I have thought more about what you wrote yesterday.
When I met my late H, he also had forgotten how to want... so I spent my time figuring out what he wanted and getting it for him. The best thing was his pottery shop and his museum docent work-- he loved both those things and I was the one who pushed him into them.
That was a lovely thing to do for your late husband and I am sure he appreciated it very much. It seems obvious that you take great pride in being the one that pushed him. Does it make you feel worthwhile to have helped him like that?
I did that to some extent with my bf in the beginning, but less now. One thing I've noticed about our R is that we both ask virtually nothing of each other. We live on very close parallel tracks but make few requests of each other.
Does your BF know what he wants? Would it be possible that you resent him for not knowing what he wants because it doesn't allow yourself to distract yourself from the fact that you don't know what you want? As kind as it was for your late husband, it really isn't your job to figure out what someone wants and give it to them.
It would be difficult for people to request things from others if they don't know what they want. In fact I would guess that many people (and this does not necessarily mean you Lillie) don't ask for what they truly want because they don't know and yet they do know they want to FEEL happy. Then they are disappointed when their partners don't someone figure out how to GIVE them what they want and yet they do know that they don't FEEL happiness and therefore it must be their partner's fault. How can a partner figure out what you want if you don't know yourself and don't let them know what it is when you do figure it out?
I still don't know what I want.
So it still comes down to knowing what you "want." Of course want in this case means more about finding a passion in life rather than the wanting of "stuff."
A friend said to me a few years ago that she did not have something in life she was passionate about. She is still trying to figure it out but I admire that she has no expectation of her H to figure it out for her. She sees it fully as her responsibility to find that passion and to feed it. He has his passions - cars, Harley and, oddly enough, the piano. What she does do is look at the characteristics of her H that drew her to him and those are the things she continues to expect from him and those are "enough" - intense loyalty, trustworthiness, honesty and steadfastness (can you tell he was a West Point graduate?).
All of this to say that taking the time to search for your passion is your job alone. of course it would be nice if someone wanted to help but that is a high expectation to have of someone. In reality while it was a good thing for your late husband, in some ways your helping him was a distraction from finding your own passion which might not have been the best thing for you.
Anyway... just some thoughts for you. I realize that giving yourself permission to "want" something is probably a bit more difficult which is why it would help so much if someone figured it out for you.
But what is happiness except the simple harmony between a man and the life he leads? ~Albert Camus
