Your W seems to be friendly with you. I picture a woman wanting a D to be grouchy and other things. Don't allow fear to stop you from getting what you want.
She's friendly enough, I guess, but I wouldn't call it warm and caring by any means. It is definitely better than it has been in the past, but it still has a long way to go before I actually believe she has "in love" feelings for me again (or feelings that allow her to consider reconciliation). Time and patience, right? I do feel like we're headed in the right direction, but it is crawling at more or less a snail's pace.
I think that when a D is in the works and the LBS is being helpful, friendly, happy, etc, it allows the WAS who wants the D to feel less stressed out about it. My W sees the potential to have an amicable split, so why would she be grouchy, and what would she have reason to be grouchy for? I see your point, but I've done nothing but be supportive and accomodating, while simultaneously giving her lots of space -- she has no reason to be grouchy. I'd like to think this means she considering, but I strongly believe she is not (at least at this point).
Also, it's not that I fear this, but rather accept it as darn near inevitable. I have high hopes but low expectations (if that makes sense). My W is a very passive person -- she has never been one to initiate much of anything (stems from some rough childhood experiences), so I don't think that she would tell me how she feels and what is going on in her head and heart even if she wanted to. That's also why reading her is so difficult. She's not what one might classify a typical woman in this regard. She doesn't wear her emotions on her sleeve too much, and I think at this point she still needs so much more time (SO MUCH MORE) to even get to a point where she would consider reconciliation. I can only control me, and doing this alone can get me far, but cannot necessarily get me "what I want". Just being "rational" -- .
Nomo,
I ended up accepting a plea bargain and didn't take it to trial. It is actually my 2nd DUI in ten years (got one back in 2001 right after my mom passed away). They dropped the charge down to a 1st time DUI offense and dropped the resisting and obstructing on officer (which was total bs anyway). If I would've fought it and lost, I was looking at losing my license for two years and getting a harsh ass whooping by the judge. If I didn't have the kids, I would've probably taken my chances, but I decided that it was in the best interests of my kids to accept the plea bargain. Oh well, life could be worse (I guess... ).
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Originally Posted By: warm&sunny In reading your thread over again, I saw where W said she wanted a "clean slate" & nothing from the past, etc. In thinking of diff. ways to stall/stop D action, could you maybe add this into letting her know somehow (haven't thought of best way yet), that you completely agree w/ her wanting a clean slate & her wanting to let go of the past, & add that a D is always possible later. You both see things the same way now & agree that she needs space. [. . .] Not right away, as you agreed, but maybe 2 wks b/f final date so you can keep DBing.
I like the idea too, but I feel like it will be unsuccessful because of OM. She is close to him right now, and I don't think she would be willing to stay separated mainly because of him. I think she cares too much about how such a choice would affect him and her R with him. If he wasn't in the picture, I think I might have a chance, but at this point I'm not sure it will do any good. What do you think about doing it while she's with OM? I'm open to kicking the idea around and working on it like you said.
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As for WOAs, what does Chapman recommend besides compliments?
Besides compliments, Chapman says WOA are also words of encouragement, kind words (this one is hard to grasp, but seems to have to do with tone of voice and forgiveness), words of appreciation, and humble words (which means makes polite requests vs. demands). Chapman also suggests to use indirect WOA by saying positive things about W when she isn't present (so to or in front of the kids, IL's, mutual friends, etc.). He also suggests affirming W in front of others while she's present (which seems kind of difficult in my current sitch). Written WOA are also suggested.
If you have any other ideas guys (and all others), I'm open to hearing them and kicking them around with everyone.
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