My friends said I should never be in fear of a husband. They said they had never seen me frightened before. He is not physically intimidating, just really cranky.
I think you should stop talking to your friends about your marriage. They see you unhappy, and will thus just keep advising you to leave. You instead need to talk to people who want to help you with your marriage.
If you want to talk to a real live person, I think you need to either find a long-time married couple, who truely believe in "til death do us part", or find a marriage counsellor, who is "pro-marriage". (there are a lot of so-called marriage counsellors, who act more like individual counsellors, and its all about "what makes you happy". Dont See Those Ones!!)
Last edited by Dom, Rand; 07/09/0703:42 PM.
My current status: june 2006. Wife ran out and filed D. Finalized Jan 11, 2010, after 12.5 years M. 3 wonderful sons caught in the middle
If your H is using drugs again that issue has to be addressed before ANY DB principle can work. If he is using methamphetamine that would explain the anger and hostility. As I said before, legal separation is not divorce. With someone using drugs this might be wise. They are unpredictable. Legal separation can sometimes be used as a tool to 'wake someone up' and really see the seriousness of a situation without the drastic step of divorce. Do a search on legal separation and when and why it is used. You'll find that in there someplace. Perhaps, in addition to financial and child custody considerations, you can use this to confront H with his drug problem and convince him to seek help. As for Mom's advice, she doesn't want to see you hurt so she says what she does. But it's YOUR marriage and your problem, so you must ultimately decide what to do. Standing for a marriage is very difficult and not for the faint of heart, but it is worth the effort. You must pray for your husband. If YOU don't, who will?
David
The fires of true love can never be quenched, because the source of its flame is God Himself! - Shulamith
I think it has been about 50/50 regarding advice. I try to steer away from any talk but it is inevitable. People can read it on my face. One thing my friend said still rings in my ears. "He is not the man you married." I know people grow and change but he is absolutely detaching himself to get me to move on. It seems cruel but it is actually working. I am getting closer to moving on and letting go. Is there some book that is antiDB? How is it that he knows how to be so strong and steadfast in his maneuvers to stay apart? He states his mantra over and over. "ILYBINILWY and you need to move one. It is not about you. Nothing is about you. I hope we can still be friends." These are NOT my H words. I know he got them from another source. No way would he ever talk like that.
Me:38 H:39 MLC M:10 R:23 years D6 S3 Bomb: Easter, 2007 "Every day may not be good, but there's something good in every day."
hehheh.... he's gotten them from the "wayward spouse rulebook". It's a mysterious, phantom book, that I've heard tell is somehow shared by spouses in his situation, but when confronted afterwards, they can never tell where it came from, or what happened to it.
My spouse has never used those words on me yet.. but i hear that many many do.
On your "no way would he ever talk like that", comment: that's why people sometimes talk about the "alien" that has possessed their spouse while having an affair. It's like a different person has taken them over.
My current status: june 2006. Wife ran out and filed D. Finalized Jan 11, 2010, after 12.5 years M. 3 wonderful sons caught in the middle
No one recognizes him except for the children , but just last night my D5 told my S2, "We don't have a Daddy anymore!" My S2 was crying for him in his bed. They still see him I mean see the real him, but everyone else sees a space oddity for sure. He talks different, acts different, he is cold in a level that is discusting. he will not see his old friends and he is insulting to mine. Like we are the enemies.
Me:38 H:39 MLC M:10 R:23 years D6 S3 Bomb: Easter, 2007 "Every day may not be good, but there's something good in every day."
Today I feel so close to it. He really wants out. I think he will start being verbally abusive again. So far he has been civil to get his way, but I keep catching him lying about everything. I say something like, "Your mom was looking for you on the phone." And he will get all bitchy like I am snooping. I'll say, "What time will you have the kids home?" He will get nasty. Ugh, those papers are looking mighty inviting right about now.
Me:38 H:39 MLC M:10 R:23 years D6 S3 Bomb: Easter, 2007 "Every day may not be good, but there's something good in every day."
A bit. I will go there now. I really need a strategy to survive this brow beating. He actually said it does not matter what I do now because I am only trying to save a marriage that is dead. No matter what I do, he has decided it is too late! Maybe he is right. defeated.
Me:38 H:39 MLC M:10 R:23 years D6 S3 Bomb: Easter, 2007 "Every day may not be good, but there's something good in every day."
A bit. I will go there now. I really need a strategy to survive this brow beating. He actually said it does not matter what I do now because I am only trying to save a marriage that is dead. No matter what I do, he has decided it is too late! Maybe he is right. defeated.
Me:38 H:39 MLC M:10 R:23 years D6 S3 Bomb: Easter, 2007 "Every day may not be good, but there's something good in every day."
He actually said it does not matter what I do now because I am only trying to save a marriage that is dead. No matter what I do, he has decided it is too late!
Blah, blah, blah and your mama wears Army boots. Who's he trying to convince: you or him?
Go to the MLC board and read, read, read. Read Smurf's MLC resources. Read EVERYTHING Snodderly has posted.
Then come back here and tell me that you found the script your H is reading from.
I think you're in for a surprise...
David
The fires of true love can never be quenched, because the source of its flame is God Himself! - Shulamith
