I just want her to come home!

[Nomopo]

Atlas -- just caught up on you. You are doing great (despite a little blow to the PMA - to be expected, but sounds like you've bounced back already, and lots of positives in your sitch. Keep it up. And you got good input from GD, Dustin and WC.

My W told me that each night S cries to sleep asking for me. I'm so torn up about it. I have asked a few times to have a good night call with him, but she won't. If I call at night, which I have stopped, she sends it to VM and I just say I was calling to tell S goodnight.

When was this discussed? This is too bad. Would she be open to discussing it again? I assume you painted it as being for the boy.

Also, on her backing out of the family fun center, are you familiar with the castle/picnic analogy. Sounds like a classic example of that dynamic.

Keep up the good work,
Nomopo

[Atlas]

Thanks guys, your support is great and real help. I really do appreciate the responses. My time with extra work is just killing me on keeping up on everyone, so please don’t feel like I’m not trying to keep track of your sitch’s.

Well today was a real eye opener and this will be long. So after she made the excuse to come to the house and work, which she really needed to do, I noticed that she arrived just at my regular time for lunch, trying to see me. Well I was so worried that they may be there today I went early to not miss them and sure enough as I had to pull out and head back to the office she was pulling in. Oh well I tried.

So after work I go work out, GAL, and I arrive about 6:30 and she is still there. Dang just saw the wreck, that looked bad. Ok back on topic. So I arrive and the house is a mess, one of my pet pevs. I don’t say a thing and in all actuality it was so nice to not have it feel like a house with a single guy but rather a family lived there.

So she asked to talk before S and I went out to arcade for the night. Things went pretty well, nothing heavy. She did say that she is no longer filing for D, but wants a legal separation. YAAH! Until later!! As we left she told me that she would still be there when I got back and wasn’t planning on going home until we got back.

Had a great time with S, played skee ball all night, basically he runs up the aisle and throws them in the holes, but that sure helped with the tickets.

On the way back I call and say that I am taking S to eat and if she would like I will get her something. Well I get the family dinner and what she wants is just around the corner so I take it home and we have a nice dinner. After dinner, it is getting late for the S and she asks if I will put him down. Which I do.

Then it’s talk time. START READING HERE!!!

It starts off easy enough, the typical crap, I IMAGO and just let my ears bleed. She is getting a lot off her chest but is defiantly upset.

She told me about the men, and that I was right. OM (went from he’s gay to not so gay) and Other Men have befriended her but so far all they want is one thing and she has cut all contact off with them. I didn’t ask, didn’t probe, nothing. This was all on her. She swore nothing has happened and that I could trust her. She said one was scaring her with texts, I asked if I could help, but she wouldn’t say anything else. Need to find this prick and straighten his ass out.

Then she losses it, spills guts all over the place. It was a total mess, so much so that I found an inpatient crisis center at a hospital. So it starts out that no one cares for her, she has always taken care of everyone. Her mother won’t speak to her, and this just pisses her off because she basically cared for her mother at 14 a few years after her divorce. Her sister thinks she is making a mistake and basically told her that she can’t continue to clean up after her and she has her own H and life. Then she starts in on me.

I wasn’t there, and when BIL came into town he wasn’t so much there to help move, but to keep her from doing something stupid. Her anger goes on for hours, until she losses it. She is in the fetal position on our couch crying and basically making no sense, actual babbling. She says she had a nervous breakdown when moving out and she is afraid of another. Tells me that she can’t properly care for S due to her state, but she won’t seek help because I will just take him away. Tells me she has no money, for anything. I give money out all the time, still paying half her bills. They have no food, he basically eats hotdogs all day. WTF! So tomorrow I go buy groceries and stop in I guess.

I reassured her, that I made my decision, I’m here for her. I have resources to take care of her and S and gave multiple options. She refused to “check in” any where due to me taking S away. I tried to reassure a lot but nothing I say matters. Asked if I could call MIL to help, SIL, BIL anyone, but she won’t let me say anything. She is really scared.

W asks if I will run and get her some beer and smokes. I do as asked. She is still there when I get back, I’m actually afraid she will take S and leave and do something stupid. Then after a while she is a little calm, now she needs some Tylenol PM and I’m back at the store racing because I’m thinking don’t do something stupid. Probably should have never left.

After a while I talk her down, she seems calm. Keeps asking why I would do this for her, why haven’t I left and told her to go to hell. She said she wants to believe me but when someone has done the things she has done to me, only a fool would stick through it. Why are you here? Why are you doing this? Um, I love you! Didn’t say it.

Got her to mellow out, she is going to sleep her tonight in our bed, I said I would stay on the couch. Wouldn’t let her leave in this state. I even offered, with no strings attached to quit her job, stay her, I would get S cared for each day set her up with TV and she could just read and relax in bed until she was feeling well. Even offered to stay at her place while she stayed here or with my brother. She wouldn’t do it, it is a sign to take the S away.

Well I got her to take a bath, one of her favorites. She is relaxed, but now she is down on the computer “doing work.”

I’m worried she is going to pop, what do I do? I’m not really concerned about our R at this point as I am her and S. Please tell me what you think.

[Gone Dancin']

Atlas,

I'm so sorry that your W is suffering so much, but it is great that you are her rock (a term you've used with me lately), and that she confides in you with ALL of her feelings.

What did you tell her when she asked why you were still here helping her and being nice to her? If it wasn't "I love you", what was it? I think I would've buckled and done the ILY thing, but don't think it would've been the best thing to say in the long run (not yet).

Awesome about the "Legal Separation"! What a step forward! Seeds of doubt are sprouting, so it is obvious that to continue on the path that you've been on is exactly what you need to do.

I want to say more, but am tired and need to get some sleep. You've got a lot going on and I think I need more time to give you any thoughts on the really important stuff if they are to be worth a damn. But for now:

great job, Rock!

GD

[Atlas]

It has been a such a rocky night. See post above. GD thanks for the encouragement. I got to sleep at 3:30 and now it is 6.

She seems alright now, but I'm worried about her. One minute she was the cool confident person I have always known and the next I wasn't sure what I would say she is.

Well I guess things have really come into perspective. It is starting to sound like I triggered something deep down inside that is just swallowing her hole. Her family has basically abandoned her and she can't trust me. I'm worried about her emotional state, considering these large swings and how low they go.

I'm going to get her to call a counselor today and see if I can get her to skip work and just rest.

[Atlas]

I don't know what to do. This morning as she was sleeping I snooped the phone, I know I shouldn't have done this, but I couldn't help myself. Everything she told me checks out, no calls from the OM, and the New OM keeps IM'ing her but she isn't responding. I want to call this SOB and let him have it. He is doing everything to pursue my W! Sending little texts of roses, calling himself her true love. I would love to truely love his face into some concrete at this point.

I'm not going to act on it, not to her, won't call him at least for 48 hours. She thinks he is sort of scary and doesn't like him sending these texts. I should get her phone and block his number, she would never know. Another stupid idea.

Her she is building some bridges of trust, and I'm burning 'em behind me as we walk. DB'ing is so easy when she is over there and not home all the time, it is a whole new ballgame when she is in the house.

She asked me leave an insurance card and she is going to call the counseler's today. We will see. Her mental state is just shot, she isn't making sound decisions, but when was she. She is on verge of just losing it and this jerk is constantly in her ear whispering sweet nothings. Well she told me about him last night, and said she originally meet him at the pool, and he has a D about the same age as my S. They made a play date, and basically she says he had diffrent motives. She was pretty disguisted with him and with herself to think she could make male friends and they wouldn't want something more.

One thing she did say last night that had me jumping for joy inside, was at one point S is playing and the dog takes off with his army man. This is in the middle of her explainging that she wants to just seperate and not divorce. I said, "It's all right, will get you another dude!" She turns to me, why do I want another guy, I have my two guys right here. Kinda funny after I explained what I was talking to S.

I'm lost, not sure how to handle any of this, I think first priority is her mental state. I need to make sure she is alright. I need to stop the snooping, and not worry about the OM. I think she is telling me the truth. She wants to have dinner with me tonight and asked if I would grill burgers. So I'm going to the store tonight, get a nice spread put together, buy them some groceries and just keep DB'ing.

Sorry for all of the long posts, my world just feels like one second it in on the right path, the next it is blowing up in my face.

Any advice?

[NDDT]

How old is your child? My opinion is in all your decisions is that you need to make your child THE NUMBER #1 concern. I know all of this is hard but I think for all of us we need to put our children first. First in our DBing choices and all that we do. Our children are unwilling participants in all of our stories. They are the biggest victems. I think if all parents put there children first in all of there choices, these boards would resemble a ghost town. Familys intact. No OM/OW. NO MLC.

I think in your situation you need to take care of your child and yourself first. If you can help her without putting your child in harms way that is great, if not, always put the childs welfare first.

[Nomopo]

I'd say treat her like you would a really good friend. Let that guide your decisions on what to do with respect to counseling, crisis help, everything.

I agree with NDDT that you need to look out for your child's welfare. I don't quite go as far as this:

I think if all parents put there children first in all of there choices, these boards would resemble a ghost town. Familys intact. No OM/OW. NO MLC.

I can tell you I have always put my kids absolutely first in all my choices, and I think my friends and family and W would agree. In fact, I was so focused on them (and some other things), that I seriously neglected my W. And I got an OM, and EA and now a "trial" S, and we're hanging by a thread. So IMO it's not quite that simple. But you do need to take care of children and focus on what's in their best interests.

Nomo

[Atlas]

issues with the S sound like food. So I'll have groceries for them tonight. She said she feels like she just sits around crying and he isn't getting the attention he needs. I'm over there all the time without skipping work, so I can help with that. Offered to take care of him full time while she sorts through this but she won't budge. Other issue is she says what really hurts and this tears me up is he cries himself to sleep at night asking for me and saying go home.

Asked about the nightly good night calls, but I don't think it penetrated those ears at all. I'm just going to keep doing lunch with him, watch him at nights and weekends. GAL can wait, I've got one with him.

[Matt-14]

Nomopo,

I agree with what you said. I think that my W and I were focused on the kids for years and not each other. I think that is one of the reasons why we are in the state we are in.

Atlas,
Hang in there. Stop snooping...it won't do any good in the long run. Your W sounds very confused, give her space and time. She may be coming around.

Matt

[Gone Dancin']

I said, "It's all right, will get you another dude!" She turns to me, why do I want another guy, I have my two guys right here. Kinda funny after I explained what I was talking to S.

That must have been awkward for W! I also think that her saying that is pretty telling of where she is at (at least at this point). Nomo is right -- treat her like a great friend (which I think you're doing) and just be there for her. Cook her up some great burgers, play with your S and listen to her when she talks (you know all of this). When you shop for her and S, try to also
get W things that she really likes (my W loves pistacchio nuts and frozen mini eclairs, for example). Don't bring up that you did it, just do it and put it all away -- she will find it all soon enough and be very grateful.

You also know that the urge to snoop is strong, but stronger must be your will to exercise resistance to this temptation. You know that NO GOOD can come from this, so just put it out of your mind and just invest your time and energy in S and W -- not OM's. I think your W is telling you the truth in that she doesn't want anything to do with them. She sees what a great guy you are now with the unconditional love you've been giving her when no one else will -- this has been HUGE for her, and we can all see this. Let that texting OM to finish nailing his coffin shut -- see how his pursuit is so unattractive to W? Just like Michele says... If anything, just remind W that you hate to see her have to deal with such a situation, and are willing to help her in any way she wants in regard to the OM if and when she needs it. (Maybe some of us can come over and jump him in a dark alley... )

she is building some bridges of trust, and I'm burning 'em behind me as we walk.

What do you mean here? I don't see where you're burning them.

I hope W does go see a counselor and try to get to the heart of this beast, and I wouldn't try to force the issue. She knows you like the idea, she has now taken the first step by requesting the insurance card -- if she does it, then great! If she doesn't, I wouldn't push it. Maybe continue showing concern for her well being, and if you want to bring up the counselor again, maybe make it in the form of a request, like "Are you sure you wouldn't like to see a counselor about what you're going through?" or "Do you think some counseling could help you deal with 'X' right now?" Ask then back off for a while. I see this as a fragile issue.

Has W been a good mother in the past? If so, then have no doubt she can still be one. She is just confused, lost, depressed, etc. She needs your help right now, both financially and emotionally. I truly believe that if you continue being there for her without expectations, she will come back to you for the long haul -- just remember that DBing is a lifestyle, not a temporary strategy. It doesn't just fix a M -- it also helps to maintain one.

Good luck and keep us posted (and your posts aren't that long if you compare them to some of mine!)

GD