Having some mixed success/failure, now what?

[Nomopo]

I'm not even going to try and go point by point with that.

Didn't expect you to; just hoped you'd read it and maybe find something useful. I would be curious to hear your response to my questions about the so-called "hostage" situation.

My goal, set much earlier than you might expect, has always been Home By Halloween.

It's your goal, but you might consider a goal of evaluating your progress as of Halloween. If you're making progress (eg, she is committed to working on the M and/or says she wants to come home but just needs more time), but she's not home, would you really want to pull the plug? I've learned that absolute deadlines don't really fit these sitches. Similarly, our new C told me once that she always asks couples to keep trying as long as they are making progress. I liked that.

Sounds like you did an excellent job on responding to her attempts to point out why getting back together wouldn't work and also the sex issue. And your realization that you need to make her laugh is a good one.

Somehow, I have to get it across to her that if she gets on the plane week after next to continue her affair, it is well and truly over. No kindness, no contact, just lawyers, money, and the brutally painful divorce that she has earned.

Is this consistent with your earlier post: "I was really worried for a while that I had sunk the ship completely. Maybe so, maybe not, but either way [b]I'm not giving up. Ever."?

as though my pain stems from the fact that she is absolutely lousy at covert action.

Well, at least you recognize (I think) that your emotions seem to be in charge of you now, instead of the other way around.

Well, friends and neighbors, the 3 most broken things I can see in my life are my family, my marriage, and my wife.

Where do you fit on that list?

Surprise! I'm mad.

Bwahahaha!!

You know, made sure he felt like he actually had at least 1 parent that gives a damn.

Do you really think because she had to work late she doesn't give a damn? If so, pull your head out. I have to work late sometimes, and I can assure it doesn't mean I don't give a damn. You pick some stupid stuff to get made about. And as far as her not calling you, guess what: she doesn't give a damn about what you would like. And I suspect she wasn't all that thrilled to cal you to let you kow given how you apparently view her for having to work late. You need to do some serious self examination. Your attitude is contributing to this mess (whether you think you hide it on the phone or not), and I don't think you understand that. This is why you need to focus more on YOU.

W claims that she asked MIL to call me so I could tell him good night, but that he fell asleep before MIL was expecting him to. Utter crap, that.

And how exactly do you know that is not true? Did you look in your crystal ball?

So, yeah: I'm madder than that town in Norway.

And how is all that anger working out for you so far in your R/M?

By now you should know that I'm pretty sneaky, and these last few months have really helped me develop my "hard edge".

I wonder if W knows too.

Offering her the money at the stage that I did conveyed a lot of information: For one, that I can be nice

If you choose to, and I doubt she is as impressed by this as she would be if you just were nice.

even though she knows she deserves no kindness from me

I doubt seriously she "knows" knows this.

48 hours, I know, but she is really starting to push it.

Let me guess. You feel obligated to push back. You'd rather fight than find solutions. Go for it. I hope it works out for you.

Nomopo