Do I buy a house? What about sex?

[Dom R]

wow. you've really been trying hard. I understand why you want to give up now. you're tired!

some extra comments:

Ok you gave more history about 2001. you described how YOU felt.
you, you, you.
I dont see one thing about HIM. what made HIM decide then.

Seems like either you just dont know, or you know but dont want to admit it somehow?

"I point out that he is sticking me in a box; that's not me anymore." good for you!

He refuses to do the 15 hours of undivided attention. ...
I *never* bring up separation or divorce; he does, and then I talk him out of it

Ok, he's firmly in walkaway mode.
and we still dont know why.

he doesnt know if your marriage is worth putting in the effort... but he doesnt know what it would look like, to make it worth the effort.
maybe it's really pure MLC, "I dont really know if I even want to be married" angst at this point. He has no idea what he is doing.

What do you all think of this:
"Gosh, this morning things seemed like they were a little awkward between us" (Pause to see if he agrees.)
Assuming he does-
"I went ahead and set up the guest room for you."

I think it's horrible.
you've gone from pulling, to pushing.
I think you need to stop both.

Show him what life can be like with you. Then let him decide for himself. Treat him according to his actions. His actions, are his decision, even if he doesnt verbalize a decision to you then.
if he stops messing around, then keep being good to him.
If he doesnt stop, then withdraw from him.

One of his alleged complaints is that I do too much for him. That I am too nice to him. That I haven't made him *want* to not desire his freedom, but despite emotional needs questions, the counseling, etc, he can not articulate what it would take for me to fulfill his needs. He feels "drawn" to having his freedom.

This is babble. i say ignore it.
Unless he's turning into some bizzare submissive freak.
In which case, instead of petting him in the morning, try tying him up.
Just kidding... i think....


but anyways.. notice the reoccurring theme. "freedom".
So stop telling him what to do. Stop pulling. Stop pushing. just say, "you HAVE your freedom. you're free to choose."
And then treat him according to his actions.
(it will probably take him quite some time to realize that he really does have the freedom over himself that he's been asking for all along. dont expect a coherent response to that. just look at his actions)

MB doesnt address MLCs, really. DB does. Unfortunately, from what I read, DB basically says, "not much you can do, you have to ride it out".

I read that as saying, "set your boundaries. sit tight for him to wake up. but meanwhile, dont expect him to be a caring, responsive husband until he does wake up".

I think there are two overlapping issues here:

1. the unknown issue(s) that caused him to make that decision in 2001

2. an MLC.

I think you have largely addressed #1, by losing that weight. but I feel there's more to it.

[Sara]

I agree. Keep the sex going. If you stop it may be very hard to get started again. Intimacy breaks down a lot of barriers and reduces hostility. Without it, you are on a highway to divorce.

I sell real estate. I don't know where you live, but right now prices are falling all over the country, and houses are taking 6 months to 18 months to sell. If you are not into a long-term investment, now is not the time to buy real estate.

[Trixi]

wow-
I am sure getting opposing views!

I sell RE, too. Seattle area is still doing okay price wise.
But good point about having to carry two mortgages for a period of time.

[Dom R]

ps: i heavily edited my prior post while you wre replying.

[Trixi]

I think there are two overlapping issues here:

1. the unknown issue(s) that caused him to make that decision in 2001

2. an MLC.

I think you have largely addressed #1, by losing that weight. but I feel there's more to it.

The issue re 2001- what I tried to describe was that I was miserable to be around. He was disappointed in me. I wasn't a good wife/partner.
He just doesn't know WHAT he needs to be happy.

[Trixi]

My mother just made a valid point regarding who moves where.

If I stay and he goes, what will ensure he pays the mortgage? If he has a great time "out there" then I could very easily be left holding the bag and getting the house ready for sale by myself, etc.
Right now, he is in the frame of mind where he would help me move. If he had to move out and then back, then he probably wouldn't be very helpful.

Personally, I feel like since *I* don't want this, *I* shouldn't be forced to do all the work to make it happen.

[Dom R]

if he doesnt pay the mortgage, thats when you file legal separation.
that's when you have to start thinking of putting the house up for sale.

yeah, it's a lot of work.
sorry you may be stuck with it.
but dont file anything because you're worried about what "might" happen. Have a plan for contingencies like this.. and if the event happens, then follow the plan.
Meanwhile.. once you've made the plan.. stop worring about it. know that you are covered.

[MikeinMidland2]

Sounds like *you* have at least one thing *you* know for now.

Start with that.

[Trixi]

If only I *knew* what the plan is.
He doesn't seem to want to talk any further about the details.

[SuperDad]

If only I *knew* what the plan is.
He doesn't seem to want to talk any further about the details.

Hi Agent99,
Remember

Believe none of what you hear and less than 1/2 of what you see.

It does not matter anyway what he says! Have you re-read DR recently? If not, do it! If so,

Are you starting with a beginners mind? Really?

Have you set short term, solution oriented goals?

Do these goals included GAL elements that are JUST FOR YOU?!

I see that you are very focused on him and his actions. For a while, just forget about him and ask yourself: "What am I all about, what is the path in life that will make me happy?"

I have in the past 4 months been really internally focused and have (lovingly) detached from my W's MLC and other issues. This has been the most freeing experience of my life and I am now really just getting to the point where I can apply some of the DBing principles.

Hope this helps a bit anyway,
SD