Same thing has happened to a couple of guys on the forum ... Whatisis, comes to mind immediately. One has to wonder if she has always had this SSA, or is this just a recent, curiosity of hers?
All I can say now is that you should try and calm your thoughts (sometimes the stop sign method works ... when you feel your thoughts spiralling, you put up the big, red, stop sign, and tell yourself stop these thoughts ... think of something else). How would you feel if this was OM, or do you feel more betrayed because the OW was a long-time friend? Your W is clearly not emotionally stable right now, or thinking rationally. I don't think it's fair for a person to ask anyone to share them with someone else. And, you need to make that clear to your W ... that you are not willing to share her with anyone, that that is not the kind of message you want your children to get about M, and that you want your boundaries completely known to her, then stick to it.
I am really, really sorry for what you are going through. I know you feel bad about your part in the M breakdown (controlling, anger, etc.), but I am really impressed that you are here, trying so hard to find a way to repair the damage, to look inside yourself and change what needs changing. I can see that this A has knocked you for a loop, and came out of far left field.
Look, there is no point in endangering yourself, or allowing this to eat you up inside. You have to be there for your children. It doesn't seem as if your W is, or that she feels what she is doing is wrong, and that it will impact your kids much. But, it will. So, for their sake, CALM DOWN!!!! Okay!?
Once you are calm then write down how you are going to GAL, focus on goals that will help you get away from all this hurt, upset and confusion, i.e. golfing, go fishing, hang out with friends, go to the gym, spend time with the kids doing some fun activity (like ice skating, or swimming, or just at the park if young enough, movies, or whatever). Now is the time to be strong for them ... and realize that walking away is not an option. You will never forgive yourself if you did.
We are here for you. Take care.
Me:57 H:52 M:28 Got another lawyer last year and filed. D35,S/D twins28,D22 EA4/04 End? Who knows? "Life is like a mirror. Smile at it and it smiles back at you." — Peace Pilgrim
Sorry to hear your having to endure this crap, but yep, I'd find some who are going through the same mess and get some of their wisdom. Perhaps that's what has made things so effective for me here, I know those who are talking here know quite well of what they speak. Of course the fact that their here with the same goals as I make a huge difference also.
I guess I'm saying that an OP is an OP (whether and OM or OW) and repair to the R can't happen if the WAS remains committed to continuing the R with the OP. You then have to ratchet up the GAL and the detachment that much further to counter - and to spare your sanity.
In essence, I was reliving my sitch in Feb 2006 where my W was leaning heavy to her new life with the OM - and making it clear that is what she is going to do. So I ratcheted the GAL, told her I was letting her go and moving on. I completely believe in the power of DR/DB'g, but I think sometimes it keeps you "holding" on - it is a very personal choice to continue to do so. But the LRT is meant to be the LRT. I can't sit back and tell you what to do, but I can tell you that I was getting D'd a year and a half ago - and I was okay with it. I hadn't failed in trying to save my M - I became a better person, husband, father from it. It was just that I had a partner that at the time wasn't willing to re-invest in us. So, instead of trying to continue to sell, I let it go.
So, I don't have any advice other than to say if you want to save it, hang on...you've got lots more time to do so, but I emphasize LOTS more time...only you can tell if you have the intestinal fortitude to make it? Great if you do. It is the "better" path.
Now on detaching - what if you detached completely - even physically - next time she looks to ML, what would happen if you declined? Just wondering there...
tyler, my thoughts and prayers are with you. Hang in there....
Sven
Never sacrifice the great for the good. Sometimes the beauty of grace is that it makes life not fair.
Thanks peeps. I'm just not very 'present' right now. I feel like I'm in a fog. I don't even know if that makes sense.
BeingMe, when she first told me about this struggle she said it has been her whole life. Her first memory, at age 3, is being sexually abused by her grandfather. I do understand, to whatever degree possible for me, how that would make it difficult if not impossible for me to ever want to be intimate with anything that even closely resembled the abuser...., at any level. I'm trying to keep it together. Extreme ups and downs at the moment. The thing that hurts the most is this was a friend. The OW told me that W shared this struggle with her during a visit back in January. OW invited W back in April for a week of political events. OW said that when she invited W back, she had made the decision to try and seduce my W. She did in April. I need to take your advice and get my goals squared away in light of these events. To be totally honest? I can't even think past the next few hours right now. Sorry to sound like such a wuss. I gotta cowboy up here and quick. I'm taking a beating.
Phoenix_spark, good advice. I did join a board that deals specifically with this issue; spouses of those with SSA. It has helped some. Reading through some of the threads here dealing with this helps as well.
I know I didn't cause this attraction in her, but I didn't help. I hurt her by doubting her and such. This just reinforced in her mind that men are not safe. Sucks. She told me once that she will go out with her friends and they will point some guy out that they are all ga-ga about. She will look and try, try to feel something, anything that they are feeling. Nothing, nada, zip. I said, that's kind of a good thing, I would be uncomfortable if you were acting like some boy crazy teen. She said, you don't understand, I'm usually feeling whatever it is that they are feeling, only it's for the guys girlfriend or some other girl walking by.
W has told me she would give anything to change this but nothing has worked to change her.
One of the counselors I talked to about this specific issue told me that the problems in our R, my behavior for sure, are making this struggle much greater for her.
What to do now?
Still don't know.
Thank you Sven. Honestly, you don't realize how important your, and everyone else's words are right now. I flip between blind rage and walking away, sometimes within seconds. I can't wait for the emotional crap to subside so I can think and decide clearly.
You know, I was hesitant to post on other folks threads. I didn't think I had a handle on this stuff so what help could I offer? Then I got an e-mail asking me to check out someone in Newcomers, offer help. I thought, things are getting better, coming around, maybe I can help others. I have the knowledge and a year of experience, (not much but still more than someone just starting out), maybe I can at least tell them what NOT to do in those first months as I have made plenty of mistakes. Learn from my screwups, it's easier.
I still believe in all of the stuff I posted, DB'ing, Homer's material, the coaching from Jody and Chuck, advice from peeps on this board.
I want to call her and tell her what I'm feeling. I know not to but...
In April, we went to see a band play for her b-day. Something came up and she mentioned going to see her friend the following week for the political/social events. She said something strange re; SSA. I asked if she had told this friend/OW. W said, what would be the point? It doesn't change who I am.
Liar. W had already told her and OW had already formulated her plan to seduce W.
W said, its hard enough to deal with this without everybody looking at you funny. I stupidly asked, do you see yourself pursuing this? W said, how, it's nothing that can ever be part of my life now. I said stupidly, I know, I mean't in the future. W said, I'm married. I said again stupidly, I know but still. W said, I'm not a cheater, I don't cheat, don't start doubting me again.
Liar.
Yet I can never bring this up. I have to just let it go. It's eating me alive. I want to call the OW's husband. W and OW say he knows, he is fine. Really, so I can call him and ask him how the hell he is able to wrap his brain around this whole polyarmoury concept or whatever term they want to use. You sure he won't mind?
Or maybe I can make the same mistake I've seen a bunch of other people around here do. Maybe I can call the OW. She is a friend and prior to this, we talked weekly, sometimes daily after her father died due to cancer. Maybe I can call her and ask what if feels like to see me and my children and know she set out to seduce their mother and my wife. Just what does that feel like, if you feel anything?
Thankfully, I can type this here. I want to confront, to smash, shred, destroy. I want to make others hurt the way I'm hurting right now. Motherfuckers. This was deliberate. Planned. Strange as it sounds, that seems to make it worse. They were planning and I was walking around in la-la land, thinking about how great it was going to be to see old friends, W and I have been getting along much better so the kids will have a fun, tension-free trip. Yah! Woohoo!
Stupid. How naive.
I just gotta keep it here, vent here.
Don't chase, pursue, call. Be happy and agreeable. GAL, PMA and of course, STFU.
Tyler....whoa....don't you dare start blaming yourself. Call me...go to your email. FIB
Me 55; XW 47; 2 kids (S13, D11) Bomb 05/19/06 Original thread http://tinyurl.com/yg2ou2t Last anniversary 04/25/10, Divorced 5/12/10 Status: Loving father of 2 beautiful children;
I hope you had a decent workout and were able to clear your head.
Be careful here buddy - you're not the failure here - at all. You've made all efforts to make the changes needed in YOU to be a better H, person, and father. You just have a confused partner.
If your guilty of anything, it's holding onto hope - and that carries NO shame with it. It does however, keep the hurt close. You need some time to process the events of the past couple days - GIVE yourself that time. Things will get better.
Drop me an e-mail if you need to vent further - although I see that FIB reached out as well.
Sven
Never sacrifice the great for the good. Sometimes the beauty of grace is that it makes life not fair.
Tyler, this is not about sexuality, it's about her self image in a world where she has not resolved the past issue of being dominated / controlled by a man during her abuse.
My W had a friend who left her husband and did a similar thing. Went to a woman for comfort because in HER mind men were unsafe.
This isn't any different than any other OP where you have one vulnerable, hurt and confused person who is seduced by an emotional predator who is only interested in getting THEIR needs fulfilled.
I think you need to treat this like any other affair, and not stand for it.
Me:57 H:52 M:28 Got another lawyer last year and filed. D35,S/D twins28,D22 EA4/04 End? Who knows? "Life is like a mirror. Smile at it and it smiles back at you." — Peace Pilgrim
