Do I buy a house? What about sex?

[Dom R]

Very interesting stuff.

point by point:
* you didnt answer my question, on why he had decided to move out, in 2001.
I think that you being 70 pounds overweight was clearly a major factor. Good for you in getting control of yourself over that. A major "well done" on that!
Now the question is.. what other factors where there?

* you didnt answer my question on who brings up the separation. you said "it comes up..." but you didnt specifically answer.



moving on, though...

He finished by saying "I think I want to leave the relationship. I think I should see a counselor and see if they can talk me out of it."

...

This is a man who will do whatever it takes to get me out of my pants if that is what he wants. he had no problem pursuing me for the booty call. I was a little hesitant, but he persisted.

I think this is a man who is very confused about what he wants. He doesnt know what he wants. He doesnt quite know what will make him happy. He's torn between the lure of the sexy unknown greener grass out there, and what he has with you.
Trouble is.. what he has with you, is uncertain. he's not quite sure it will stick. And trouble is, you're pulling away, making it even more uncertain.

You might try the book "fall in love, stay in love" by willard harley, which goes into the idea of a "love bank", and things that different people find important to them in a relationship. It talks about "emotional needs", one of which is sex.
You can get an "emotional needs" survey online somewhere t marriagebuilders.com, fyi.


If he were fully functional and more self-aware, ideally you would be able to give him the "emotional needs" survey, and then meet his most important needs. but as things stand... it might be beneficial to you, to pretend to be him and take the survey yourself. Then figure out how you can best meet those needs.


I think he reacted "well", to your putting down boundaries about his going out and "flirting". The thing is, i dont think you neccessarily had to threaten divorce to do it.
He's crying out for help, in his own way. he said he "wants to be talked out of it".

I'm not a counsellor, but here's my gut suggestions, as a guy:

figure out what he likes. Then offer it to him, as kinda a deal.

if you have time.. and I think you might... here's how it could work:

Show him how you'd like to treat him, for the rest of your lives together (and really mean it; only do it, if you're willing to do it every day)

get back to being "friendly" in the morning with him. look good for him. cook for him. whatever he likes. And especially whaever you remember he likes, that you hvent been doing for him for a while (see the "emotional needs" thing).

After a few days of this, when he seems to be responding favourablely, have a (hopefully non-threatening) talk with him.

Maybe say something like,


"i hope you have noticed the things i've been doing for you lately. I'm sorry I havent been doing them as much as you like.
I would like to keep doing them for you every day. I love you.

it hurts me when you go out looking for attention from other women. I'd like to give you as much attention as you can handle It hurts me too much to keep doing it, though, if you are going to turn away my attentions for other women.

it's up to you; If you like how i've been treating you, then stop looking for other women, and lets keep enjoying each other.
If you'd rather be chasing other women, then I'll stop, and leave you be".


ideally, I think you should be snuggling with him, and keeping his warm fuzzy emotions very high on you when you say all this.. and then after you finish that speech, just "act as if" he accepts, and rock his world (unless he says "no" of course)

That sound like a good plan for you?

I think this works, because

1. it shows him that you have boundaries, and can be strong, yet
2. you also love him, and are a welcoming place for him to be
3. you're an ENJOYABLE place to be


I think that what you can reasonably hope for right now from him, is a "ok, i've been enjoying this, I'll stick around and see how long it lasts"

and if you can keep it up for a few months, and can really stick to it for the rest of your lives.. i think perhaps he will realize that he's in a good, safe place, and *want* to stay, for good.