I'm thinking about "why am I still unhappy for no reason" and for some reason I have been thinking about my childhood a lot, maybe it's b/c you guys discuss it a lot, and I was so INSECURE and I have no idea WHY.
Personally, I think you have a reason to at least feel slightly melancholy. Your Husband is in Korea. Give yourself a bit of a break. You are dealing with quite a lot.
And... I think you also need to understand what 'happy' means. To me, 'happy' is not a constant state of euphoria, where you are smiling and laughing all the time. That is... well.. euphoric.
You seem to be in quite a philosophical mood... so you might want to check out a book called, "The Art of Happiness" by the Dahli Lama. It might help change your perspective a bit.
Oh, the joys of growing up in an alcoholic family. Constantly taking guage of the surrounding relational temperature in order to determine the best tactic to keep things stable.
and this
Quote:
The alcoholism resulted in my "adultification" at a very early age. With an underlying way-out-of-proportion sense of responsibility for the people around me and the desire to "protect" them from additional hurt, I self-insulated in order not to "impose" on others.
Well now THAT sounds familiar! I did have to face having more knowledge about my parents financial situation than I probably should have as they edged up to losing the farm. I tried to protect my brothers and I also tried to help my mother as she was probably facing issues with depression. I have always said that basically I helped my mom out with her emotional issues which also left me feeling like I did not want to burden her with my issues. I usually figured out how to take care of myself without drawing attention and without needing or wanting much from others. Although that does not mean that others haven't helped me a lot because they have.
Learning to take care of yourself is good. Learning to hide things from people to protect their feelings is not good. Learning to hide and deny the fact that you want things is not good. Learning to take the blame for problems stemming from other people's mental disorders is not good.
And I'm not convinced that there's any harm in knowing your family's financial situation while growing up. As long as you don't feel responsible for it without actually having control over it. If bad times are coming, it's best that no one's taken by surprise any more than necessary, right? And when the kids move out, they'll have to know how much things cost and how much they should expect to make from various lines of work.
Originally Posted By: fearless
What might be my problem is that I am kind of proud of myself for dealing so well (well in context) with all of it. Not that it was easy but I feel good about the way things have turned for me despite having some tough times. (I just heard this phrase "If the mountain was smooth, you wouldn't be able to climb it" last weekend and I loved it)
You should be proud of dealing well with things. As long as you have a clear view of just how well you're dealing and what bad habits you still have to unlearn.
a fine and enviable madness, this delusion that all questions have answers, and nothing is beyond the reach of a strong left arm.
Yes, but if the SL lacks, then shortcomings in other areas like a not so clean house tend to get magnified out of proportion. I suppose that only reinforces the notion that maintaining a good SL is not as important as maintaining a Beaver Cleaver household.
Right. This then leads the LDW to try to step up the housework (or in my case, spend way too much time feeling guilty about being a lousy housekeeper). Sex doesn't even enter the equation.
Corri, I'm 35. And you are right. See, I always get what I need from you guys!! If I was euphoric all the time, I would end up in the looney bin. I'm very hard on myself, I will admit that, but I won't even go into that
You made me feel better -- thanks.
Me: 38 H: 35 S4, S5, S10 Bomb 01/07 Wanted D - nothing would change his mind Numerous A's prior to D bomb; EA prior/during D bomb Piecing 04/07 Deployed for a year 05/07 Still Piecing 2010 M 11 yrs 05/10
But... 'wanting' is healthy. It is okay to want. That was very hard for me to learn.
Well, that's what Sesame Street is trying to teach me this week. And I've got umpteen years spent denying personal wants and desires and any that might have leaked out I mostly labled as selfish, sinful, impositions to fight against. To the point that I feel like a freakin' cliche'. Or a Mr. Nice Guy sans penis.
Quote:
He played by "The Book of Should Be's." Since he was 'playing by the book,' he was therefore 'entitled' to his wants.
That's straight out of the book.
I never quite made it fully to entitled because my empathy levels do run high.
My tools of choice were resentment and withdrawal, rather than entitlement.
Well, that and the occasional explosive tossing of foodfilled plates.
I can testify that these are not successful, productive choices.
My goal is to learn to verbalize my wants.
But first I've got to disinter and resurrect them.
Certainly we should be cautious about letting wants get out of hand, or more to the point, we should prioritize them properly. A "need" is simply a stronger want. So you're always making decisions about prioritizing your wants. Do you want a big-screen TV or do you want a larger house or do you want to spend lots of time with your kids and get enough sleep nearly every night?
I'm looking at emotional/relational wants and needs as an issue as opposed to material wants/things.
How to walk a line between honestly expressing emotional wants and/or needs in a relationship - both giving AND receiving without being (or feeling like) a self-absorbed narcissist.
I have had difficulties with expressing wants in both the emotional and the material world. I can live without the latest electronics without damage to my psyche, but I'm sure that emotional needs have a far greater, deeper impact.
It's evidently not something that comes natural to some of us.
Originally Posted By: GonnaGoBlind Yes, but if the SL lacks, then shortcomings in other areas like a not so clean house tend to get magnified out of proportion. I suppose that only reinforces the notion that maintaining a good SL is not as important as maintaining a Beaver Cleaver household.
Right. This then leads the LDW to try to step up the housework (or in my case, spend way too much time feeling guilty about being a lousy housekeeper). Sex doesn't even enter the equation.
Or push the PLAY button on my internal recorder playing my list of "spouse's perceived shortcomings".
Learning to take care of yourself is good. Check Learning to hide things from people to protect their feelings is not good. I didn't and don't really hide things. Learning to hide and deny the fact that you want things is not good. Didn't hide or deny but took responsibility for figuring out how to get it myself Learning to take the blame for problems stemming from other people's mental disorders is not good. I don't really take the blame but I do tend to try to overhelp people. It's not my fault but I do want to help them feel better.
And I'm not convinced that there's any harm in knowing your family's financial situation while growing up. As long as you don't feel responsible for it without actually having control over it. If bad times are coming, it's best that no one's taken by surprise any more than necessary, right? And when the kids move out, they'll have to know how much things cost and how much they should expect to make from various lines of work.
I think you are right that understanding finances is a positive thing. And maybe it wasn't a problem because I for sure knew it wasn't my fault because it wasn't my mom or dad's either. I guess the hardest thing was the few years leading up to actually losing the farm where my mom would alternate between crying and raging that was hard. I specifically remember my younger brothers (They were probably about 9 and 12 years old and I was 14) coming to me because they wanted to give mom and dad all their money to save the farm. I remember being touched but also upset that they were so aware. I gently explained that mom and dad didn't want their money plus they didn't have anywhere near enough money to save the farm.
My mom blamed herself for losing the farm. My dad was a great farmer so she felt it must have been her fault for not working off the farm. As long as you have a clear view of just how well you're dealing and what bad habits you still have to unlearn.
Yeah, still trying to figure it out much less work on it!! But I am staying on it.
But what is happiness except the simple harmony between a man and the life he leads? ~Albert Camus
If you don't feel that you have the "right" to want more sex, but you do have the "right" to want a cleaner house or better food, you'll express those wants because you might as well improve something about your situation.
Originally Posted By: MrsNOP
I'm looking at emotional/relational wants and needs as an issue as opposed to material wants/things.
How to walk a line between honestly expressing emotional wants and/or needs in a relationship - both giving AND receiving without being (or feeling like) a self-absorbed narcissist.
I have had difficulties with expressing wants in both the emotional and the material world. I can live without the latest electronics without damage to my psyche, but I'm sure that emotional needs have a far greater, deeper impact.
It's evidently not something that comes natural to some of us.
You got that right. Not long ago, she asked me to stay with her and watch TV instead of going on my computer. I smiled and said "only if I get some attention", by which I meant her arms around me, rubbing my stomach, and maybe a backrub. I got all three and really enjoyed it. Sounds pretty boring, but I never used to ask for anything like that... I just took what affection she offered and always wanted more but never said so. Which is nuts seeing as how she loves doing that stuff, as I'm discovering, and just because she's not in the mood for it at a particular time doesn't mean she's had enough of me and isn't ever going to want to do it again. I still wonder if she'll decide I'm too clingy at some point, but I figure that backing off and staying backed off without any resentment when she's not in the mood should keep that from happening. People don't get annoyed when you ask for things; they get annoyed when you whine for things and don't take no for an answer. Or if they can't give no for an answer, but that's not your fault.
a fine and enviable madness, this delusion that all questions have answers, and nothing is beyond the reach of a strong left arm.
