Do I buy a house? What about sex?

[Trixi]

lots of more questions

1. you said you "usually" rub him in the morning. when did "usually" stop? and why?
If just when you kicked him out.. but he usually *likes* it.. i dont see why you should stop. keep showing him you love him. Just as long as he likes the way you show him.

I stopped when he announced that he absolutely needed to move out. Last Thursday. Naturally, he liked it a great deal.

Interesting side note- a couple weekends ago he said that he always felt like he could do what he wanted because I would always be here;he knows that there is probably no one in this world that will love him more than me; but he doesn't have the same feeling towards me. (I think he means *passion*- although we have a great sex life....)

2. 2001? he decided on 2006? WTH??? *why*???
(never heard of a WAS who actually announced their intentions.. this is way wierd)

I ferretted out his intentions late 2005. His sister said it was only fair to tell me and give me a chance to fix things. He decided in 2001 that he would remain until both children were graduated then he could be free. In 2001 I weighed 70 pounds more than I do now and had a MAJOR thyroid condition that basically made me feel like the walking dead. I was properly diagnosed in 2005. I was a fuddy duddy.
When he told me, he expressed that he had been really looking forward to his freedom and so he didn't really think I could change his mind. My changes actually had a positive impact that confused him.Hence the waffling--he has had a long standing fantasy of how great being single would be.

3. why do you "repeatedly end up talking about separating?
Does he always bring it up? or do you? whats going on here??

He will go thru cycles of being depressed/morose. He disengages. Basically, the talking about separating comes about because we are trying to figure out what in the heck is going to make him happy.

Now I am putting my foot down. he said I should have put my foot down long ago. He has also said I need to be sassier. not wimpy.
"

Umm... wow. he's telling you what he wants. you are very lucky.
LISTEN TO HIM!

from that, sounds like he wants you to fight for your marriage.
The tricky bit is in figuring out how to "fight", without breaking the bond.
How did you do it, when you "put your foot down" about him staying out all the time?

I wish he did want me to fight for the marriage. He has said that he wishes I would "just let him go".
When I put my foot down regarding going out, I said "if you really want to go out, that's fine. But you can't be married to me."
(explanation: he didn't start wearing his wedding ring until 2006. And then, only on and off and he only started wearing it at my request. He has told me that he "likes to go out and flirt". He gets WAY drunk when he goes out. I asked that if he were going to go out that we agree to a reasonable time, and he refused. Didn't want to be 'boxed' in.)

Final comment:

It's not fair that after 10 years (together 12 1/2) I should be constantly wondering.

"fair"? Pffft. who said marriage was fair.

Obviously, you still have work to be done. But maybe you need to be more "'act as if' he's going to stay".
A wild shot in the dark: maybe your recent transition to "its not fair", was what pushed him into move-out mode?

In January he announced (during one of his morose times) that he was "afraid he was going to cheat" and when I asked why, he said "Well, you know how women are with lead singers of a band." (He was not and is not currently in a band--but desires to be in one.) He finished by saying "I think I want to leave the relationship. I think I should see a counselor and see if they can talk me out of it."

PPS: maybe, rather than him "trying to be aloof", he was just confused and unsure how to act.

This is a man who will do whatever it takes to get me out of my pants if that is what he wants. he had no problem pursuing me for the booty call. I was a little hesitant, but he persisted.

Armed with that info-- still let him sleep in the bed?