That's a White, Anglo-American saying (sometimes) for... holy fck. Where do I even begin?
K. Need to know your race and ethnicity. Religious/philosophical/spiritual upbringing would help tremendously. Keep it short. What is your wife's racial/ethnic/religious/spiritual background?
You know that people... who have been down the road you have traveled, are often subject to... severe bouts of depression, manic disorders... severe mood swings... headaches, stomach aches... ailments of all sorts... that can be, and often are... quite painful.
How is life now? Calm? Are you away from your threats? Do you feel relatively safe, or is there ALWAYS a part of you watching? (I've lived this.... uh... kind of life... in my own way, so I have reason for asking).
Me: White, mostly Swedish, Religion: well I tend to take and explore most of them and a lot. They've all got so much good stuff it's hard to decide. But if I had to say I'd say Buddhist, taoist, christian.
Wife: Czexican (or Mexiczech), Catholic
"You know that people... who have been down the road you have traveled, are often subject to... severe bouts of depression, manic disorders... severe mood swings... headaches, stomach aches... ailments of all sorts... that can be, and often are... quite painful."
Yep had all that. Getting pretty healthy now though. Except both of us still have pretty bad upper back and neck problems. Yoga seems to help that a lot though.
"How is life now? Calm? Are you away from your threats? Do you feel relatively safe, or is there ALWAYS a part of you watching?"
Safe now. And today was a milestone in entering into calm.
I've given my wife two back massages so far today.
If it makes you feel any better, I REALLY sucked at being a girl. I mean... I've always been a primp, I've always worn make-up... but... I grew up believing that the biggest disservice God did to me was making me female. I never felt 'safe' being female. Bad things happened to females. Bad things certainly happened to me...
Up until recently, I even dated men who had little to no respect for women, and then I married a man who had... like NO respect for women.
It sounds to me like the two of you, at least in your early years, were not in an environment that was conducive to cultivating your wife's sense of female, to say the least. She was in an ultra-male world, and for her to be anything less than what she was... well, that just would have been lethal for her... wouldn't it? And to throw kids into that mix? Really?
Now your wife is beginning to explore her feminine side. The guys here really used to come down on me for being so.... harsh. And I can still revert. But I am now with a man who 'revels' in me being feminine. I am experiencing the 'rewards' of being a girl. I began to really explore that side of me... and wonder of wonders... I found out that I am actually pretty good at it. I mean, I've got all the parts and plumbing... who knew I'd be better at being a girl...
It is a slow process. Throw all that other stuff you two were dealing with into the mix, and no wonder why it has been a slow process for your wife.
So... can I ask you. When you all WERE having sex... what was it like? Is there any sexual abuse in her past? Did she seem to have any... uh... hang ups? Did she enjoy sex? Are you willing to give more examples there?
Also... when you all were doing your martial arts thing... were you the Top Dog... the master? The teacher? How did you treat her then?
got to say this whole masculine feminine conversation is interesting
what is masculine? what does it mean to be masculine? what does it mean to you? what does it mean to mean? the same with feminine
maybe we need to define the concepts is everyone on the same page
does feminine mean wearing makeup and a dress (hey I know some males that do that)
does masculine mean getting dirty fixing your car or talking car mechanics?
hey I do that at the Jeep club meetings guys ask me tech questions about my modified Jeep and I can answer them - knowledgeably even - does that make me masculine???
does your wife have an unrealistic idea of feminine (I think she used to) but I think she is redefinig that idea
is the idea that a female not having children becoming cranky ole mean spirited women a hang up from the old childless spinister victorian days?? I have two friends in their forties - married who decided not to have children for different reasons who are still happy they decided not to have children - is the definition of a worthy female someone who puts her womb to use??
should males not go forth and populate the world
interesting topic ya got going on your web site
and your wife is right kids are full of kooties my D16 has been sick for two days and she gave the kooties to me which meant I had to take four days off work instead of two two for her and two for me at least my dogs don't pass on thier kooties
so did you notice I changed your thread title the other one wasn't positive enough for me and you put it out there that you needed to be in SSM
I think you need to put it out there that things are changing
so whats new what ideas are floating around in your head these days what things are you trying
back to basics Xue - not too much thinking back to looking at what works - watch body language and make little changes as required
you are looking a bit stagnant to me like all is ok the way it is (however I know it isn't)
Well I have many thoughts to write about but no time to do it.
I just have to post this though:
Today is quite a strange day. This morning right after Yoga class a female friend/student (we try to not become friends with our students but sometimes that is difficult) who is a lot like my wife , stops in to pay her bill. Her husband is an avid student here. Then she breaks down and tells us her marriage is going through some changes and she thinks her husband is cheating on her. My W spends some time talking to her. Since we know where her husband is hanging out and we're pretty sure there's no cheating going on at least there, my W reassures her. We talk a little afterwards and I ask how her friend is. She says, oh the same as everybody is in that sitch.
We kiss and go to breakfast.
So we get back from breakfast and a friend of W calls. This is the friend I mentioned in an earlier post who was very feminine and I was so happy my W was hanging with her. W and I were planning on going to a party at her house this weekend. She has just found out her husband is cheating on her. Her husband is a very close friend of W. This one is probably at least an EA judging from the phone records.
So W takes off to go comfort her. On the way out she looks at me and says "I don't know anything about this sort of thing." So she gives me a kiss, says an a$$* her buddy is, mentions a few things about her guy friends and how I know it's all fine.
So she's a little flustered but I think she's going to come back feeling pretty lucky about her own marriage.
I grew up believing that the biggest disservice God did to me was making me female. I never felt 'safe' being female. Bad things happened to females. Bad things certainly happened to me...
After I read that again it hit me a little harder. That has absolutely been the case with my W. She gets really pissed in the movies where the girl always does something dumb and gets the gun taken away from her then some guy has to save her from her own stupidity. Common Hollywood situation and it really riles my wife up. Couple of years ago I brought home the movie "Sin City". This was near the time of the bomb, just after I think. About 15 minutes into it she can't take it and blows up. I hadn't even noticed the things in the movie that pissed her off. It was an animation and had the heads of women mounted on the wall like game. It wasn't a good thing.
There's a line in a Cramps song "Is she trying to get out of her Clitoris". It often reminds me of my wife.
I've been thinking a lot about fear of intimacy lately. I remember well in the beginning of this terrible ride reading about intimacy and what it really was. As much as I wanted to save my marriage the fear of exposing myself even to my wife, like the books told me, was the one thing I knew I could never do. It terrified me and I would have given up my marriage to avoid it. Now I crave it. Strange what this journey does to us.
But yesterday when my wife got up she was wearing a thin t-shirt with no bra. When she walked in she covered her breasts with her arms and kept her body turned in a way not to expose herself. It was not the norm I don't think. The body language said insecurity and staying hidden. This got me thinking. Is it possible that she has the same fears I had?
