The problem is when you put the kid in a situation where he feels solely responsible for other people's overall well-being,
I would put an even finer point on it. Children should not carry any sense of responsibility for parental wellbeing, not just solely.
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and make the kid feel like a failure when those other people bring harm upon themselves,
I can't remember the term for it, but children from disfunctional families often operate with the false notion of their own responsibility for events. For ex. the kid who thinks mom and dad are getting a divorce because of some childish naughtiness he/she did last week.
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or even when those other people allow themselves to be "anti-validated" by something the child does or fails to do.
I struggled with this one during my parenting years. The "if my child misbehaves in public, people are going to think I'm a bad parent" routine.
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This places the kid in a no-win situation, and teaches them to continue to assume way too much responsibility for other people's well-being and emotional health.
Sound about right?
Yes, it does.
And then they can grow up to become Mr & Ms Nice Folks, who continue thinking that if they do all the "right things" their spouse *should* do all the "right things" too. And resentment & frustration builds when it doesn't appear to be working out that way.
