why we grew up never believing in Santa Claus. Same here but for other reasons. People that had $$$, their kids believed in Santa Clause. I saw poor kids getting very little and put "parents/relatives income = gifts."
I think it is because it was just so clear that the money was not there. Same here Fearless when it comes to things. Dysfunctional parent/s added to the problems for me as a kid. Rides in the car were by a list of rules considered crazy by most peoples standards.
I got away and over the kid stuff/hang ups when I went to work and started to earn what I considered a good income. Then some garbage happened in my life. The income took a dive. The R suffered and here I am.
I was in first grade; they found my Dad's old bike You Lucky dog. I had to wait till I was in the 6th. grade.
And yet I don't have the issues Mrs. NOP, DIY and others talk about. I think it is because it was just so clear that the money was not there. But they gave us everything else that they could. And my parents did not get mad at us for asking as much as you could tell how hurt they were they couldn't give us much.
My parents didn't express anger over this issue. I could see that they weren't in a position to do much. For a time, we scraped by just to eat.
So, I self controlled because I didn't want to add to their load.
The alcoholism resulted in my "adultification" at a very early age. With an underlying way-out-of-proportion sense of responsibility for the people around me and the desire to "protect" them from additional hurt, I self-insulated in order not to "impose" on others. All in all, just another brick on the wall.
Oh. Now I think I see the difference between bad "adultification" and a healthy encouragement to our kids to become successful, productive, self-sufficient members of society.
The problem is when you put the kid in a situation where he feels solely responsible for other people's overall well-being, particularly people that ought to be taking care of themselves, and make the kid feel like a failure when those other people bring harm upon themselves, or even when those other people allow themselves to be "anti-validated" by something the child does or fails to do. This places the kid in a no-win situation, and teaches them to continue to assume way too much responsibility for other people's well-being and emotional health.
Sound about right?
a fine and enviable madness, this delusion that all questions have answers, and nothing is beyond the reach of a strong left arm.
Fearless: I was in first grade; they found my Dad's old bike
Lou: You Lucky dog. I had to wait till I was in the 6th. grade.
My parents would never buy me a bike. I bought my first one for myself with my own money when I was a senior in COLLEGE.
I also learned never to ask for anything. When I met my late H, he also had forgotten how to want... so I spent my time figuring out what he wanted and getting it for him. The best thing was his pottery shop and his museum docent work-- he loved both those things and I was the one who pushed him into them. I did that to some extent with my bf in the beginning, but less now. One thing I've noticed about our R is that we both ask virtually nothing of each other. We live on very close parallel tracks but make few requests of each other.
The alcoholism resulted in my "adultification" at a very early age.
My shrink called this... "when the kids become the parents." The parents are so involved in their own problems, they become emotionally unavailable to their children. As a means of coping, the kids learn not to 'impose' on their parents.
Quite honestly, I think this tends to get out of hand in today's society... as our kids are still 'kids' at age 25. However. Mental IQ and emotional IQ are very different, and emotional IQ most always develops at a slower rate.... especially when the mental IQ is higher. If you have one or both parents who have emotionally checked out... your 'growth' into an emotionally functioning adult is going to check out with them.
The thing that my shrink spent the most time on me with was bringing my 'emotional' development in line with my chronological age. I was severely 'stunted' from my childhood... but unfortunately... people like me and Mrs. NOP and DIY pass through society unnoticed, for their is nothing in place to 'measure' youths that are 'at risk.' I think it is getting better... but... it is very hard to recognize... and even harder to correct.
Because... I was the model child. I did what I was told. I smiled. I was happy. I kept the peace in my family. I had a job. I got up and went to bed when I was supposed to. I made good grades. I played sports. Inside, I was the loneliest person you'd ever want to meet.
Remember the movie, The Sixth Sense? The little boy told Bruce Willis... I drew monsters and killing once. Everyone got upset. They took me into a room, and they questioned me and they scared me. So I started drawing rainbows. People don't take you into dark rooms and question you when you draw rainbows.
The alcoholism resulted in my "adultification" at a very early age. With an underlying way-out-of-proportion sense of responsibility for the people around me and the desire to "protect" them from additional hurt, I self-insulated in order not to "impose" on others. All in all, just another brick on the wall.
Well now THAT sounds familiar! I did have to face having more knowledge about my parents financial situation than I probably should have as they edged up to losing the farm. I tried to protect my brothers and I also tried to help my mother as she was probably facing issues with depression. I have always said that basically I helped my mom out with her emotional issues which also left me feeling like I did not want to burden her with my issues. I usually figured out how to take care of myself without drawing attention and without needing or wanting much from others. Although that does not mean that others haven't helped me a lot because they have.
What might be my problem is that I am kind of proud of myself for dealing so well (well in context) with all of it. Not that it was easy but I feel good about the way things have turned for me despite having some tough times. (I just heard this phrase "If the mountain was smooth, you wouldn't be able to climb it" last weekend and I loved it)
Interesting thoughts for me. Thanks
But what is happiness except the simple harmony between a man and the life he leads? ~Albert Camus
But... 'wanting' is healthy. It is okay to want. That was very hard for me to learn. And there is a huge difference between feeling a 'want,' and feeling entitled. My xH felt entitled. He was a Nice Guy. He played by "The Book of Should Be's." Since he was 'playing by the book,' he was therefore 'entitled' to his wants. If he has a 'need,' I was to meet it. If I did not meet it, I was the evil withholding wife... and it was not even in the equation if I had wants and needs of my own. My xH was so emotionally stunted, that 'empathy' for another never really entered his mind. I learned, the very painful way... that it wasn't really on purpose. He had NEVER learned empathy, from ANYONE in his formative years. This trait was absent from his being. Except if the kids get hurt... and by hurt, I mean, physically hurt. It has to be physically hurt, where there are actual visible signs... a kid throwing up, bleeding, an arm broken...
Ewh. I'm thinking on all kinds of examples from my x marriage right now, and it is making me... very sad. K. That's enough of that.
It's so bizarre that every day, I get on here and we are discussing what I was thinking about this a.m. I hadn't caught up on this thread, but this a.m. I'm thinking about "why am I still unhappy for no reason" and for some reason I have been thinking about my childhood a lot, maybe it's b/c you guys discuss it a lot, and I was so INSECURE and I have no idea WHY. Even at a young age, I was so self-conscious. Why? I look at my 7 yr old and don't see that in him. Is it the difference between a boy & a girl or were my parents not encouraging enough for something? I just don't get it.
Me: 38 H: 35 S4, S5, S10 Bomb 01/07 Wanted D - nothing would change his mind Numerous A's prior to D bomb; EA prior/during D bomb Piecing 04/07 Deployed for a year 05/07 Still Piecing 2010 M 11 yrs 05/10
The problem is when you put the kid in a situation where he feels solely responsible for other people's overall well-being,
I would put an even finer point on it. Children should not carry any sense of responsibility for parental wellbeing, not just solely.
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and make the kid feel like a failure when those other people bring harm upon themselves,
I can't remember the term for it, but children from disfunctional families often operate with the false notion of their own responsibility for events. For ex. the kid who thinks mom and dad are getting a divorce because of some childish naughtiness he/she did last week.
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or even when those other people allow themselves to be "anti-validated" by something the child does or fails to do.
I struggled with this one during my parenting years. The "if my child misbehaves in public, people are going to think I'm a bad parent" routine.
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This places the kid in a no-win situation, and teaches them to continue to assume way too much responsibility for other people's well-being and emotional health.
Sound about right?
Yes, it does.
And then they can grow up to become Mr & Ms Nice Folks, who continue thinking that if they do all the "right things" their spouse *should* do all the "right things" too. And resentment & frustration builds when it doesn't appear to be working out that way.
