Ok, so here is an update (of sorts) as I haven't posted in a while
H and I haven't gone to the ST for 2 weeks now (he's on holidays) and won't be going until the 23rd. I feel like a fish out of water, thrashing around and not getting anywhere. It is a perfect opportunity for H to conveniently "forget" about the effort he has to put into this (i.e. the sensate focusing ST wanted us to do at least twice in the first week). I remind him and it goes no where. Now, in all due fairness, it has been EXTREMELY hot the last 10 days and we don't have air conditioning in our house so the thought of someone touching either of us is not exactly a turn-on. However, all the more reason to have multiple showers together to cool down right? - NOT!!
Well the hot spell has finally broken this weekend and tonight shouldn't be more than about 75-80F (as opposed to 100+). With the ceiling fans going, there shouldn't be any excuse. I suggested it this morning and he said we would do it later tonight "when it got cooler"
On another note, we were sitting having breakfast this morning and I brought up some conversation about OW and our R. He told me the OW had called him twice, but he told me about it. First of all, he didn't really have much choice but to tell me because he is giving me his cell bills every month BUT at least he told me BEFORE I saw the bill and her number on there. He said the first time she left a voicemail message, saying she'd like to talk to him. Then she phoned again (the same day) and he said he answered and just said "don't call me anymore" and hung up before she could respond. I guess the time on the cell bill will confirm how long he actually talked to her - that one shouldn't have been more than a minute charge. He then told me if she continues to call he will just change his cell number.
I thanked him for telling me and he said "I wasn't going to tell you until after your visit with your brother tomorrow but since we were talking about it anyway ...
I wish he would have told me the day it happened but at least he told me BEFORE I saw it on the cell bill, that's a start.
Heywyre
M - 57 H - 65 1st A-bomb - Nov 27/02 2nd A-bomb - Dec 13/06 together 21 years *************************** Insanity is doing something over and over and expecting different results (Albert Einstein)
HW, it is hot in MT. Days in the low 100f, nights 70'ish. (half the house and 1 bedroom has A/C) with lots of fans.
This AM we actually needed a sheet to cover up a little. . I did some spooning earlier but BB got too warm. Then I raised up our shirts and gave BB a short back rub, turned over, then did a little bare back to bare back contact this AM, with just the ceiling and the extra fan going.
It wasn't sensate focusing like your ST suggested, but it was something.
I read some couples place a foot on their partner. Just trying to give your some alternatives ideas.
He told me the OW had called him twice, but he told me about it. That is better than 6 months ago.
I was thinking what I might do if I wanted to get away with something if I was in your H's position. Buying a 700 minuet Phone Card for $21.00 came to mind. That way no one except him and OW would know who called whom. I am not saying he isn't being 100% honest with you, it is a possibility.
I had a phone card when I went to see my relatives in the Philadelphia area. I used most of the 700 minuets calling BB.
Thanks for the suggestions Lou - H and I have always been "touchy" kind of people. We spoon every night (except for the last week or so, last night was the first time in about two weeks. If we can't spoon, he at least puts his hand on my back or hip and I usually have my foot on him.
As for the phone card, he's already been down that route, as well as having the secret cell phone. I know if he really wants to do it, he will find a way of just being sneakier but her calling him on his regular cell phone indicates to me that he doesn't have a secret one anymore, otherwise she would be using that one. That he told me, regardless of the fact I would have found out when the next bill came in, is still an improvement. However, I am not about to let my guard down just yet - not for a long, long time
Heywyre
M - 57 H - 65 1st A-bomb - Nov 27/02 2nd A-bomb - Dec 13/06 together 21 years *************************** Insanity is doing something over and over and expecting different results (Albert Einstein)
As for the phone card, he's already been down that route, as well as having the secret cell phone. I didn't know. I wasn't trying to cause any additional stress. Just thinking "what a person might do."
H and I have always been "touchy" kind of people. Good. I didn't know how touch starved your R was. I was imagining more disconnection, more separateness.
he at least puts his hand on my back or hip and I usually have my foot on him. That sounds like what goes on here, "IF" there are not some other requirements or things that don't jive with BB's list.
I have been "suggesting" to H that we should at least try and do some sensate focusing, since it has been two weeks since we last saw the ST and he wanted us to do it twice in the first week.
We were watching a show on TV and it was getting pretty late. I quietly and very calmly said "I guess we aren't going to do the SF tonight huh". H reached over, and took my hand and said "I don't feel comfortable doing that, it doesn't feel natural to me. We need to do things our own way, in our own time". He said he felt like it was forced and going "too fast" for him. That is when he suggested instead of the SF perhaps we could just go to bed in the nude - Yeee Haww - I am all for that!
So that's what we did and it was great! He did get an erection before we fell asleep and again this morning when were cuddling and I asked if he would like me to take care of him - he declined saying he wanted to wait until he got the blood results back and we "would take it from there". I don't know if that is because he is concerned about the results or just knows that I am and it might hinder our progress if it is in the back of my mind.
But he did suggest we should be doing that every night until we can "get back to normal" so I am one pretty happy camper today
Heywyre
M - 57 H - 65 1st A-bomb - Nov 27/02 2nd A-bomb - Dec 13/06 together 21 years *************************** Insanity is doing something over and over and expecting different results (Albert Einstein)
I quietly and very calmly said "I guess we aren't going to do the SF tonight huh".
I'd like you to consider addressing a sitch like this by stating something about YOU instead of timidly putting out a hypothesis about where your H is coming from.
This is similar to what you posted a while back
Originally Posted By: Hey
I guess I should have said something to him, maybe I will today like "you seemed like you were a little annoyed/frustrated yesterday" and see how that goes
which led me to post that long list of feelings...
Instead of "I guess we're not...etc." why not look inside YOU and find out how YOU feel and reveal that. For example, "I'm looking forward to our [exercise, time alone, whatever] with eager anticipation. The thought of getting right to it makes me really happy." or "I'm anxious about our homework because I'm sad that we've let time go by without doing it. I've really missed the connection with you."
Anyway... you get the idea. Expose yourself. Come out of hiding and make statements about yourself. You know how many times we've read on this board that one partner "didn't have the slightest idea how important this was" to the other partner. Yeah, yeah, I know, you'd have to be pretty avoidant not to know, especially when you've been to therapy together and everything, but it does happen.
Yes, I know perhaps I should have approached it a little differently but I am so exhausted from always being the one that's brings this to the forefront. And, quite frankly, I haven't been looking forward to it all that much because he has made it more of a chore as opposed to being some quality time together
However, he had to go for his blood results today, so I am thinking that might have been on his mind (although he would never admit it)
Heywyre
M - 57 H - 65 1st A-bomb - Nov 27/02 2nd A-bomb - Dec 13/06 together 21 years *************************** Insanity is doing something over and over and expecting different results (Albert Einstein)
