Hey all- I have been on and off this board for years now. I will try to keep it as brief as possible because I REALLY need advice ASAP. Me:40 WH:44 Married: 10 years on July 26th DD:19 DS:20 Both children living on their own. No affairs (Well, he had a brief online thing end of 2004)
Current sitch: He has been ambivalent about "us" for a couple years. Actually, he had planned to divorce me in 2006 (unbeknownst to me). I found out his intentions late 2005 during a discussion. I did everything I could to be a good wife. Lost a lot of weight. Tried to meet his needs, etc. So, the ambivalence regarding "us" is due to me making changes that made it hard for him to actually divorce.
He has been really a poo-head lately. Continued to say he didn't know if he wanted to be married, etc. Refused to actually put in the time to build up love feelings. Started playing guitar and writing music and now he wants to "pursue" his music.
Finally, last week I couldn't take it anymore and I pressured him for an answer. He picked splitting up.
Our initial options were: 1-He rent an apartment and rent furniture and clear his head. 2-I rent from my parents. -I go and buy a house.
At first he was going to be the one to leave. Then he decided that I should go and buy a house. Reason: he doesn't want to "lead me on" by doing a trial separation, because he doesn't think he will change his mind. I pointed out that reversing the purchase of a house (should he change his mind) is expensive, and he said that *if* he did change his mind and we lost some money-so what? it's only money. The important thing would be that we would both KNOW that he REALLY wanted to be with me and our relationship would be WAY better than it ever has been.......But, he didn't see himself changing his mind....but maybe he would...but he didn't think so...but who knows, he can't read the future....he might realize that he really misses me. (these are all words out of his mouth)
Since he "made up his mind" I asked him to sleep on the couch. Then yesterday we were hanging out and I made the mistake of falling for an afternoon "booty call". It was a great time, darn it! That evening I told him that he could move back to the bed if he wanted and he did. (STUPID ME)
This morning it was awkward between us. I can tell that I made a HUGE mistake. I am going to set up the spare room for him to move into tonight.
Question: Buy a house? What about the sex?
Me-43 H-46 M 12 yrs 7/09 T 15 2 grown kids bomb 7/05/07 H moved out 8/04/07 11/22/09 told him I quit;let's get ball rolling Mid Dec- he isn't sure he wants D End 2/2010-Starting to consider piecing
heh.. i just posted on MLC, that some person's spouse was probably not having an MLC.
now in here, I'm thinking maybe your husband IS having an MLC
"dont know if want to be married".. "pursuing his music"... that seems to be MLC to me. note: he didnt say "dont care about you". just not sure if he wants to be *married*.
I dont think that things "being awkward" in the morning, means that it was a mistake to be together again. I think that perhaps it was an opportunity to correct a mistake.
personally, my gut says let him stay in the bed with you, and keep working on making that a positive thing for him to stay in.
he might flipflop on what he says, on what he is planning to do with his life. but meanwhile, he may stay in the bed with you every night, i'm guessing :-)
perhaps, if you both support his efforts to "find himself", but also make being with you an open and warm place to be.. he will realize that he can be who he wants to be.. while still remaining married to you.
hang in there.
My current status: june 2006. Wife ran out and filed D. Finalized Jan 11, 2010, after 12.5 years M. 3 wonderful sons caught in the middle
My vote goes for option 1. I am about to see what happens when my W leaves at the end of the week (ugh). She announced she had found a flat and taken a six months lease. Who knows what will happen, I have my hopes but I feel she does really need to clear her head, if nothing else. At the moment she feels there is nothing there for her and wants something different. Perhaps your H is the same?
He is the one doing all the dithering and questioning the R, therefore he will probably benefit most (mentally) from a change of situation (unless you really have had enough and want to move). As for changing his mind, well, I've rapdily come round to the conclusion that it is impossible to predict what will happen, therefore everything is still possible. After all, there was a time he still loved you so why can that not return assuming nothing dreadful has happened. Also, you may find that life without him is an improvement. As I said, who knows?
In addition, renting an apartment feels like it would be a cheaper experiment to undertake in the short term. Sure, at the end of the period you may end up moving anyway, but at least you will have given it a go. Also if you do buy a house and things eventually improve, what do you do? Sell up again and be wary of another yo-yo situation?
Finally onto sex. Well, my W and I have had no real intimacy since the bomb three months ago, other than hugs and the occasional kiss. I miss intimacy deeply, really deeply (and I am not talking about sex here). She is just so incredibly beautiful. However, I feel I must wait for far greater signs of comfort and take the lead from her in this regard. I would be wary of sex at the moment but feel I would be very weak willed all the same*. I miss her so much, but as you have found, the sex may be great but the immediate aftermath can be odd. If you can detach you could always treat it as a way to release tension and just enjoy it. However, being a woman you have far greater power with it than you probably think. But having sex you give up some of that power.
Hope that helps.
Max
* I find it very hard to emotionally detach sex from love, so am easily hurt.
Me 36 W 37 Bomb (Easter 07) Sep (WAW July 07) "It's over" (end Oct 07) T10.5 years, M2 (before bomb)
I agree, it does depend on the man. However, the flip side is that in Agent 99's sitch by continuing to have sex, her H feels he is having his cake and eating it. Withdrawl of sex is pretty powerful either way. He will certainly miss it if you do.
If my wife gave me some intimacy at the moment I would melt, but at the same time I can completely empathsize why nothing is happening. I am just really wary she'll just have sex with someone else - that really would be a devastating bomb knowing who I am.
Me 36 W 37 Bomb (Easter 07) Sep (WAW July 07) "It's over" (end Oct 07) T10.5 years, M2 (before bomb)
I won't tell you what to do, but I will tell you what not to do. Definitely don't buy a house. Whoever moves out should rent a place. You are totally correct in that buying a house is hard to reverse. If he did decides to get back together and you agree, having that house to unload would only add to an already stressful situation.
the "having cake and eating it" thing, is usually a problem, for a spouse actively involved in an affair.
I think he's in an MLC. I dont think you cant punish a person in MLC, to come back to you. withholding sex in her situation right now, i think would be a punishment.
Now, if he moves out, but still comes back on a semi-regular basis for a "booty call".. then I think that would be a form of "cake eating", and should be stopped at that point.
But right now.. he's all talk about moving out, but hasnt actually DONE it. better to keep him at home, in my opinion.
once they move out, it's very difficult to come back.
My current status: june 2006. Wife ran out and filed D. Finalized Jan 11, 2010, after 12.5 years M. 3 wonderful sons caught in the middle
I would agree with Dom. Maybe you shouldn't even bring up anyone moving out again. If he brings it up deal with it then. Being separated is not the ideal situation.
I've been separated for nine months now and I think my wife has become way too comfortable with the living situation.
I think we have a consensus here. Don't buy a house. Don't even move out, and don't separate the bedrooms unless you really can't stand to have him laying beside you.
He doesn't want you to move out. He wants to know how you feel about the marriage. "If you think its that far gone, YOU move out." Finding a house, even an apt to rent, is WORK. It requires making DECISIONS. None of which he is willing to do right now, so he puts it all on you.
What led up to this latest situation? Were you asking him to make some changes, maybe go to counseling? This could just be his way of pushing back against those suggestions.
I agree that this is probably MLC, even if there is an OW that you don't know about. If there is OW, then no sex. But if there isn't--why not?
