I hear you on the early AM conversations - my W used to work nights and would come home wanting to talk sometimes at 1:00 or 2:00AM. In the past I was almost annoyed and that came through loud and clear. So I burned into my memory to say something like "can we talk about this tomorrow when I can give you my full attention?" and leave it at that.
Anyway, still pullin' for ya.
Sven
Last edited by SvenTheRed; 07/03/0702:38 PM.
Never sacrifice the great for the good. Sometimes the beauty of grace is that it makes life not fair.
Good advice Sven. I really appreciate all the support I get here. Thanks for encouragement and pulling for me.
I have to work on disengaging. Due to my profession, I'm pretty good at that. I can deflect someone for hours, break their fixation, all kinds of good stuff. Multiple contingencies? All day, everyday.
When it comes to her? Man o' man, all that goes right out the window.
Screw waiting for the holiday. My co-workers know I'm nuts. I just cranked it up and I'm dancing out loud. I've got canned heat in my heels!
First tune on the play list. I was listening to this when I read OneWishes good news. So in honor of OneWish and my desire to piss off my co-worker who hates my music and my dancing, although she does love me because it makes her laugh. LOL. Let the lights go down and the ball go up playas!
Canned Heat Lyrics Artist(Band):Jamiroquai
You know this boogie is for real.
I used to put my faith in worship, But then my chance to get to Heaven sli-i-pped I used to worry about the future But then I threw my caution to the wind. I had no reason to be care free No no no, until I took a trip to the other side of town Yeah yeah yeah, you know I heard that boogie rhythm Hey- I had no choice but to get down down down down.
CHORUS
Dance, nothing left for me to do but dance, All these bad times I'm going through just dance Got canned heat in my heels tonight baby
I feel the thunder see the lightning I know this anger's heaven sent. So I've got to hang out all my hang-ups Because of the boogie I feel so hell bent It's just an instant gut reaction, that I got I know I never ever felt like this before, I dont know what to do But then thats nothing new, Stuck between hell and high water I need a cure to make it through.
Hey- dancing nothing left for me to do but dance All these bad times I'm going through just dance, Hey, got canned heat in my heels tonight baby You know know know I'm gonna dance yeah
All the nasty things that people say, but I'm gonna make it anyway... Dance yeah! Got canned heat in my heels tonight baby! You know I've got canned heat in my heels baby You know this boogie is for real...
Only the wind can blow the answer And she cries to me when I'm asleep She says you know that you can go much faster I know that peoples' talk can be so cheap Yeah yeah I got this voodoo child inveined on me I'm gonna use my power to ascend You know I got these running heels to use Sometimes there's no way to lose I was born to run And built to last You've never seen my feet cause' they can go so fast
Dance…yeah, hey! Nothing left for me to do but Dance All these bad times I'm going through just Dance…Hey Got Canned Heat in my heels tonight, baby
Hey I've got to dance yeah! all the nasty things that people say But I'm gonna make it anyway, Dance yeah! Got canned heat in my heels tonight baby
You know this boogie is for real , So much canned heat in my heels yeah! Gonna dance, gonna dance my blues away tonight, You know I'm gonna dance my blues away,
You know this boogie is for real , So much canned heat in my heels yeah! Gonna dance, gonna dance my blues away tonight, Dance! Got canned heat in my heels tonight, Oh oh oh oh, canned heat in my heels tonight Oh oh oh oh, canned heat in my heels tonight Got so much...
Dance!
Hey DJ Let the music play I'm gonna live this party life Hey DJ Throw my cares away I'm gonna live this party life Hey DJ Let the music play I'm gonna live this party life Hey DJ Throw my cares away I'm gonna live this party life
Canned heat in my heels tonight!
You know, you know this boogie is for real Got so much Canned Heat in my heels Gonna dance, gonna dance my blues away tonight Whoooooooo! You know, you know this boogie This boogie is for real
~Ty, Sounds like things are doing better. I am so HAPPY for you.Keep up the good work and let us know how you are doing when you have time. Hopefully you are too busy, to post for awhile ,with good things happening in your M. All my best to you! God bless.... ~Ali
I'm broken right now. I thought we were on such a high. Madness. Insanity. Things seemed to be chugging along. Not great, but better at least, some progress is better than none.
My wife told me Thursday she has been involved with someone. It is the friend we traveled to see and stay with for the 4th of July holidays. Typing this now is making me sick, that pit of the stomach thing. I'm actually starting to sweat.
I had to see them together, with her husband and kids there as well as mine, interacting... It's madness. Pit of the stomach, all day everyday we were there. We arrived there Tuesday and didn't leave until Sunday morning. I had the strangest fantasy of walking out of the front door and just walking. On the highway driving home I thought about pulling over to the shoulder and just getting out, walking up this hill to a road and just walking until wherever. When we stopped to get gas I actually looked at the back door of the store and thought, just walk out that door. They are on the other side, they'll never see you leave. I couldn't do it. Just thinking it makes me feel like the ultimate scumbag.
My wife told me that she had never "gone there" before, meaning acted on her SSA, until she felt that our marriage was "over anyway, so what's the big deal".
She told me that she has to have this. I need to let her have this, our marriage to be "open". She told me this is a safe place for her, the other woman isn't going to leave her husband, just "needs" this also. That I and OW's husband can get what we need from them, meaning a relationship with a woman, but they can't get what they need from us. I did talk to the other woman. She has been friends with me for 20 years, man that hurts. She and my wife have been friends for at least 25 years. Nothing has ever happened before and I do believe her. The other woman told me that for her it's mostly a choice, something she enjoys but can't usually pursue due to pressure from the other person for a greater committment, ie; leave your husband and make a life with me. She said for my wife it isn't a choice, my wife has told her, (and me), that my wife doesn't feel anything for men at any level. She just can't. She tries but just can't. So being able to have this with this other woman fulfills this need at least at some level. The OW told me that she pursued my wife. That a year ago my wife told her of her struggle with same sex attraction. That she didn't know what to do, it was such a struggle but she didn't see anyway she could ever act on it. Nothing happened then. The OW decided that when my wife returned in April for a week long visit, OW was going to see if W would go there, as OW felt that "connection". God typing that is making me sick.
I don't know what to do or think right now. I'm not interested in an "open" marriage, whatever that is. My wife said it would only be this friend, none others.
W asked me to give her time to get on her feet, we can live separate lives in the same house while W gets a job and gets everything together so she or I can leave.
I CAN'T DO IT!
I thought I could. I honestly can't think clearly right now. I waffle between wanting to rip this wide open and expose it all to the world. W has told everyone how emotionally abusive and manipulative I have been, as the reason why she just has to get out of this marriage. Even W cheating? My fault. W has done everything to minimize it. She thought the R is over anyway, I can't be "this" for her. Blah, blah, blah.
The other side of me thinks, numerous people have told me that I can make this work. That W can come back to the R. I just have to work hard at making her feel emotionally safe with me, the connection will happen between us again and the "need" to act on this SSA will diminish. DB Coach Chuck was familiar with a group called Exodus International. They helped me a lot to understand my W's issues, ie; severe sexual abuse starting at age 3, non-existant relationship with her mother, the smothering/emotional abuse/manipulative behavior from me. All that made a tough gig even tougher. So that side of me wants to ride it out. Keep DB'ing hardcore and let God work. It's going to take more than a few months for her to get on her feet financially anyway do from that perspective I would have time to let it work.
I just don't know.
I'm talking to a lawyer. I've prayed, I've studied and I've worked. God forgive me.
Well, crap. Don't have much to offer other than thoughts and prayers. Time for some soul searching there my friend. As a man, father, and husband, what are your non-negotiables? Follow your heart and soul to those.
BTW, I would say too that you can make this work - but I don't believe it will work with another OP in the picture. You deserve to give love freely and receive it back freely - it sounds like it won't be returned freely - or as some part of service - not sure how I would feel about that. You have to remember that your W is pretty broken right now and as much as you WANT her to find her way out of that, she needs to be the one to fully recommmit. So another tough question for you - how much of you wants to hang on just so you can "prove" that you have changed? Don't get me wrong, a worthy endeavor, but one based in ego. To me, the selfless thing to do is to just let go...and hope that someday she realises what she is letting go of...
All my prayers,
Sven
Never sacrifice the great for the good. Sometimes the beauty of grace is that it makes life not fair.
.....You have to remember that your W is pretty broken right now and as much as you WANT her to find her way out of that, she needs to be the one to fully recommmit. So another tough question for you - how much of you wants to hang on just so you can "prove" that you have changed? Don't get me wrong, a worthy endeavor, but one based in ego. To me, the selfless thing to do is to just let go...and hope that someday she realises what she is letting go of...
All my prayers,
Sven
I'm having to remind myself several times a day, she is so broken. I don't know what else to tell myself. It's a mantra. Sometimes a prayer, sometimes a curse, right now I don't know what context I'm saying it in except my own brokeness at this point.
Please Sven, I'm not being an idiot here, I just can't think real clear. (I drove to work, after getting here I realized I didn't look once when changing lanes, I must have driven through several red lights because I don't remember ever stopping once at an intersection. I'm dazed to say the least).
Can you explain what you mean regarding letting go?
