Really like your comments. Seems we have a group of problem solvers here :-)
Sven, no fireworks but a nice time nevertheless. We did take the time to go to two fireworks shows. Just the two of us (and thousands of other people :-)) This in itself was a step considering the stress we've been under lately. There have been some slight hints of affection.
Theoden,
Defeminize? Yep for sure. There have been many defeminizing influences since the beginning. Not wanting children yes. She says she thinks they have kooties but she loves kids. I think that issue actually has to do with her self esteem, not being good enough. But that's another story. She's always had male friends, never wore makeup, etc. I even worried she had a non man oriented sexuality. She had a lesbian best friend before she met me and she also had a sister who (at our wedding) announced she was leaving her husband for a woman. I've ruled that out though. I'm happy to say she is really moving towards the feminine and accepting it. She considered the feminine weak. I hope that she finds the strength in it soon. She's recently started wearing colorful clothes (she always wore black) and makeup. Last night I was thrilled to hear her talking on the phone with her girlfriend (who is the wife of one of her old friends) giggling like a girl. Her new found girl friend is extremely feminine and she is rubbing off. I love that. I've even heard her giving how to turn a man on advice to my wife.
SD,
"Have you tried other techniques?"
Yep. The Paul and Ann I did about a year ago. Admittedly I think there is strong evidence that if I did more of this I would have solved it by now. This has been my weakness. I didn't do this enough.
However my W did it to herself over the weekend. She went out of town to a wedding shower. She had struggled considerably over whether or not to go. Got pretty emotional over it. After I used my new found listening and comforting skills and calmed her down she said "It's tough being a woman, dealing with all this emotion" I was flabbergasted.
So anyway she went. When she called to check on me I wasn't home. She called again later and I was but didn't answer. Left a couple of messages and asked that I call her if I needed anything. She called several times. I could hear the concern in her voice and the sweetness. I was just out walking the dogs but regardless the effect was the same.
I definitely take the opportunity in that to tell her she's hot. At first she shot back a nasty remark. But I kept it up. After months of this now she likes it. That is one example of persisting even if something doesn't work. The long term effects are quite different.
"In any case, you are an amazing person to stand for your marriage for so long."
That has been a day by day decision. For three years I have consciously asked myself that question each and every day. I thought this would only take a couple weeks in the beginning :-)
