I concur with OTB. Bad marriage/poor communication/letting green fuzz grow on the cheese in the frig: 50/50. Having the affair, 100% her fault, along with filing for D.
In my case, I was the one who had the EA, and my W is the one who insisted on separation and filed for D. When I moved out, I was still trying to reconcile and so (at W's suggestion)I told my boys it was MY fault. I have since regretted this.
But in your case it is much clearer. She had the affair, she filed for divorce. There is no reason for you to accept half the blame for the divorce. No reason you should hide this from your church friends or to tell your girls that this is something you "both" want, if you DON'T. Say "Mommy doesn't want to live with me anymore" when it comes up, not "Mommy and Daddy have decided its best for everybody if we have two houses."
She wants all this kept quiet because she still feels guilty about it. Why let her off the hook? Maybe the guilt will make her re-think things; probably not. But if she's out the door anyway, she should at least take the responsibility with her.
