Wanna hear about the trip? (ie., No chance of sleeping any time soon - thanks in part to the sitch, and in part to the late-night coffee on the drive home) this eve.
Flew in a 1969 Cessna 4-seater. Amazing ride. I'd never flown in anything even closely resembling "small". Pretty cramped (esp w/dog sitting btwn 2 back seats) & loud, but awesome view as we flew rooftops-low the whole time & only took about 2 1/2 hr including a short rest-stop in W.Palm.
Tooled the island (Guana Cay) in P's golfcart (the preferred mode of transport for the island); checked out sev. beaches for sightseeing (amazing views!), hikes, lazing about, body-surfing (P is the only one who actually really surfed tho), impromptu volleyball game, kayaking. Went to local family-friendly outdoors bar (Grabbers) sev. times for drinks, dinner (P was induced to sing w/the band - a first), watched the 4th fireworks from the chaise lounges at water's edge w/teeth-achingly strong house frozen rum drink, and to other local 'hot-spot' (Nippers) - also outdoors - for dancing (on the [picnic] tables no less!!), drinking, and, um, a certain amount of pole dancing w/the poor skinny palm tree growing up between the deck on the 'dance floor'. Okay, you getting a visual?) A regatta (sailboat race & gathering) took place the 4th & 5th & the island population swelled from 100 to 1000 overnight. Sailors everywhere. Yumm.
Visited P's island friends (year-round islanders): ~a French woman & her H - both artists. He did sculptures; she did nudes of, apparently, her H & herself mostly. Some were obviously "art"; some looked like pure porn to me. LOL. We had 'cocktail hour' w/them, their 4yr old D & another H/W under the white gauze netting on their deck overlooking the beach, then went body-surfing/swimming at dusk (yeah, looking out for sharks). ~a woman's $2.somethingMillion beach house (amazing!!!) where we were let in by her visiting S & told to make ourselves at home w/drinks & whatever we wanted until the woman came home from grocery shopping. She owned 2 of the islands very few actual cars (both jeeps, painted neon lime green & a turquoise color). ~When the power went out, a bunch of us went to a local couple's beach houise for candle-lit cocktails & impromtu killer piano-playing by the BF & singing (by me) & chocolate-chip cookies.
And, several times, I teared up or downright wept thinking of What Might Have Been, or What My Reality Is. I did some solitary beach walks & lots of thinking; mixed in w/some pushing-it-from-my-mind and enjoying the moments time. Thru it all, I had some wonderful friends who checked on me, let me be or got me thru as I needed.
All in all a really great time - and something that couldn't have happened with better timing. How else would I have gotten thru the wk knowing H had a GF living w/him & kids just up the road?! As it turnd out, I didn't learn of the "Her" until I was at Tampa BFF's to p/u the kids on Sun eve. There has GOT to be a God.
Last edited by stillme; 07/09/0704:26 AM.
Don't cry because it's over, smile because it happened.
Me: 45 - WAH: 36 S8; D6 M: 11 yrs 07/06 Initial Bomb 10/06; D Bomb 11/06 - DBing begun 1/5/07 - H moved out 03/16/07 To date: No papers filed; H not seen a L; trying to convince me to MUTUALLY file for D
Hey still -- glad to see you made it back with all of your appendages (i.e. the sharks!)!
I'm with everyone else on the H sitch -- what poor role modeling, esp in asking them to keep the OW a secret. Teaching one's kids to keep things from the other parent is really horrible. If kids learn it's okay to lie to their parents, lord only knows who'll they'll lie to in their lives!
I can kind of relate to what you're going through. My W is basically living with OM now (though she still has her own apt -- OM has a house), and for a while now she has stayed their when having the kids. I believe that W doesn't see this as an affair because they only started dating in March (4-5 months after we separated and a few months after I filed for D), and to be honest I have a hard time seeing it as an A too for the same reasons. Therefore she doesn't see this act as a fauxpa (sp). I'm just thankful that the guy is a nice guy and is good to my kids. It still hurts, and kind of hurts worse in that this might make him more appealing to W and as a result hurt my chances. However, I'd rather have it this way that have him be some abusive A-hole who could give 2 sh1ts about my kids.
My sitch differs from yours though in the secret dept. My W (at least to my knowledge) has not asked or told the kids to keep things from me. I'm thankful for this, and I just feel horrible for you and the kids that H is doing such a thing. I totally respect your feelings about him right now -- he has earned them!
Also, I can empathize with your feelings to stand for your M depsite H's actions. It is a noble thing to do, and we all have to draw that line in sand that says "I will stand/fight for my M until "X" happens." I think my line is around the same place as yours, and I actually like something that I recently read from Brandon Kirk (I know -- amazing, huh?) about where his line is. He will fight for his M even after D (like me) and all the way until she gets married again. I think that, if we truly love our S and are willing to do whatever it takes to win them back and reconcile, that this is where the line should be drawn for all of us. However, how we strategize and go about winning them back is absolutely individualized -- it is based on the variables in our sitch. This is just what I have began kicking around anyway -- not sure if it really applies to everyone or not.
Anyway, just want you to know that we care about you and know that you will stay strong through this. 48 hr rule on any impulses, and stay focused on what is going to give you the best chance of getting closer to your goals.
BTW, your trip breakdown to the Bahamas made me SOOOOOOO jealous!
Thanks Nomo, Sunny, GD, Kat. . . It's great to have y'all in my corner.
Yep on the idiocy of H's behavior. When did he turn into a moron, I wonder? I feel in danger of falling over the same cliff H has - w/not liking him, not respecting him, def. not loving him and seeing no reason why we should stay M'd. Had to do some serious praying to keep the Going-Down-With-The-Ship idea alive.
An OW! How horribly cliche'! I'm thinking to make an apptmt for the kids to see C today to talk about it. S has said he made a comment to H that S wanted to be the ring-bearer when H & GF got M'd & H said something like "I'm not going there [M]". When D said she thought it was okay that H had a GF, she explained that she needed a mommy at both houses, and a stepmommy would be fun to play w/. Ugh.
Couldn't sleep (go figure, huh?) so I re-read DR and Dobson's Love Must Be Tough tonight. Looking for an angle on this new (to me) development. Guess I'll have to re-work my Goals (esp since any last positives were somewhere before mid-March/move-out time). Thanks for the hugs & encouragement, tho. Gonna try like heck to avoid H's calls in the morning (expect he'll call around 8am to arrange for p/u of the kids for "his" Monday/Tues. but I'm re-thinking that arrangement since he took Friday & 1/2 Sat. "from" me when I was away and apparently feels the need to chastise me about what I had arranged. All's I can say is: Bite Me, H. And the Horse you rode in on.
Don't cry because it's over, smile because it happened.
Me: 45 - WAH: 36 S8; D6 M: 11 yrs 07/06 Initial Bomb 10/06; D Bomb 11/06 - DBing begun 1/5/07 - H moved out 03/16/07 To date: No papers filed; H not seen a L; trying to convince me to MUTUALLY file for D
Sorry you are in such a tough place. I know it is hard and painful to deal with finally accepting that an A is going on.
I am a bit concerned that your very understandable pain is leading you to act in ways that will hurt your children. It is really not OK to put them in the middle by condemning their father. You do not need to use him to teach them a lesson. There is enough infidelity in the world that you can use to illustrate any point you need to make without dragging him in to it. And, it can wait a few months. They are in shock right now. There is a book by Anne Katherine on boundaries that might really help you with this -- with understanding why you speaking poorly about their father is so damaging to them.
Also, truly, H should not have kept the kids over the weekend without first discussing his sitch with you and you preparing the kids for it together. But he did. It is past. He did not take time away from you though. You were away on vacation. Don't try to punish him for the A or punish the children for seeming OK with his GF by digging in your heels about the regularly scheduled visitation. It is not a fight worth starting, let alone trying to win. Let it go.
Take care of yourself. Take your focus off H and his GF.
still, I think OT makes some good points. Hard to see it that way when emotions are raw, and frankly I didn't see it that way this morning either so sorry if I steered you the wrong way.
Hope you're doing ok.
Nomopo
M 39 W 39 M'd 10 yrs; T 14 yrs S7 D4 Bomb 5-8-05 W not working on M 1-22-07; EA 2-22 DB 4-10 S 6-11 No more C Link
Still, I don't think I have ever written to you ,but I get your frsturation. My H did the exact same thing and all this after he would alwasy say "well at least I dont take them to her place, like she always wants". THe first "sleep over" at OW's w/ my kids H also told the girls to lie on somethings and not tell mommy. A freind told me to let her exprience being a step mom & soon an enough she will get tired of being his baby sitter. I dont know if your H's OW has any kids,but w/ my three and my H's OW one kid itmakes for kinda the braddy bunch at her place. I think sometimes it's starting to get to the OW when its H's weekend w/ them b/c her kid is away for the summer & when H does not have them it is pure honeymoon bliss for them.
Just hang in there & try to look at it from a diff. angle. My H even has had Ow to babysit for him while ho goes out. AND one time he evn insinuated )while she was babysiting) & I was out GAL that if he only knew I was also out..i guess he would trtied dating me?? WEIRD I know..him having OW babysit fo US to go out!
Had to leave the house this morning after incredibly awful "Talk" w/H on the phone. Ugly, ugly, ugly. I finally hung up (for the last time) when he called me the C-word (but then I had told him he was a f'ing moron & I was disgusted w/him & his selfish attitude). Sigh.
Had the argument about me "keeping the kids" from him, of course. Not good. I was afraid he'd come to the house & continue whre we left off, & try to take them. . . Left the house, went to coffee shop & called/cried to my Friend-S (sweet, calming & Christian-based support & reasoning girl in TX). She talked me out of the kid power-struggle tonight. (H had called back & said he'd arrive at S's jiu jitsu class to "talk to me" and take the kids), so thanks OT & Nomo - It just takes me a while longer than some. . . and listened to a letter I wrote thru the wee hours of non-sleeping last night in effect "dropping the rope". Gonna take it to C for her opinion, but Christian friend thinks it's awesome.
I'm still struggling w/the other issue tho. I SO do not want the kids to think that H's choices are normal or okay! Many reasons. They are pretty sheltered & trusting - and so sweet and impressionable -- But I did put in a call to C this morn. & she left a vm about 45 min. ago that she's trying to fit us in later this afternoon, so I hope that helps (us all - me AND kids). I have never once said anything else about H or his actions during this whole sitch to the kids that is neg. When D said her daddy bought her a $xxx pink Juicy purse, I said "Of course he did. He knows pink is your favorite color!" When S asked why H didn't live w/us (H never told them why), I said "It's a kind of time-out so we can get to be nicer w/each other". I have bent over backwards w/the As If and non-R talks in the face of H's increasing ugliness and squinty-looks & spew. This is just too much for mama bear to handle. It makes my teeth ache I want to snap so hard when I heard D say to H on the phone, "I miss her, too" - obviously in response to H saying he missed his GF. ~!&@$$@&*&!
Don't cry because it's over, smile because it happened.
Me: 45 - WAH: 36 S8; D6 M: 11 yrs 07/06 Initial Bomb 10/06; D Bomb 11/06 - DBing begun 1/5/07 - H moved out 03/16/07 To date: No papers filed; H not seen a L; trying to convince me to MUTUALLY file for D
And he just comes to the door!!! Can I NOT get away from him?!
(I open the door a foot & stand in his way.) Can we talk on the back patio? No. I want to talk to you. I don't want to talk any more w/you. I told you this. We have the July schedule for the kids; other than that email me or leave me a vm if you've got something to say. I cannot keep doing this w/you. I want to take the kids to j.j. No. I'm taking them. You can take them home afterwards. I can have them tonight? Yes. That's what I said. You're letting me have them tonight. Is that what your C said to do? (snide) No. I haven't even seen her yet. Fine. Let me take them now then. J. No. What part of 'stop talking to me' and you can have them after class don't you get? I want to see them. J. I want to see them. I haven't seen my kids since Tues. last week. Don't I get to spend some time w/them? Can't you think of someone - anyone - besides yourself? [tries to stare me down; takes off his sunglasses, puts them back on] (more of the same including Why don't you want me to take them to j.j.? Why don't YOU want me to take them to j.j.? (then tries to go into what S "saw" & misinterpreted as "making out") "Making Out" to a 9yr old means -- I dont' CARE what it means. S saw something & BELIEVES you were making out w/a woman on your bed. You didn't even know this! What IS that?! I want to explain -- I DON'T care. Stop talking. Do you think I'm going to say, "Oh, well, okay. That's fine then."?? To S, you have a W, you are M'd - and you're making bad choices to show him. I haven't been M'd for over a year. Well, then that's news to me, so obviously you're a liar as well as a cheat and selfish -- (stomp & stare me down again) Look, you need to stop w/the name-calling. Right. Bye. [shut the door]
Last edited by stillme; 07/09/0705:50 PM.
Don't cry because it's over, smile because it happened.
Me: 45 - WAH: 36 S8; D6 M: 11 yrs 07/06 Initial Bomb 10/06; D Bomb 11/06 - DBing begun 1/5/07 - H moved out 03/16/07 To date: No papers filed; H not seen a L; trying to convince me to MUTUALLY file for D
