H and I had a nice talk last night, and though I don't think we resolved all our differences, we did make some progress, and I feel much better. Sometimes I wish I could just download his OS and vice versa so we can speak the same language. :P
Humility and repentance is a tough pill for a lot of our spouses to handle. I believe that is what gets most of them to where we are. Will it change? I guess we'll find out.
We had a great Fourth...went to a matinee, had a BBQ with H's family and then went in to enjoy the local fireworks show. It was a perfect warm summer night, and made me think...
Tomorrow is the anniversary of our nuclear bomb. I keep having flashbacks of last year's Fourth of July...longing for H to sit next to me, tease me, hold me, love me. We were driving home with the kids from watching the fireworks show...the first time in at least a year we had all been together in one car...and wanting nothing more than for him to hold my hand. I remember saying something about him 'being here, but not really here', and feeling overwhelmed by his complete ambivalence towards me. Two days later I walked into the hotel room he was sharing with OW in the middle of the night, 1000 miles from our home.
It's been a momentous year to say the least. I'm grateful beyond words that last night was exactly what I wished for last year. That we're on the same team again, that the anguish is gone and the healing is in process. I'm a different person today. I like and trust myself so much more now.
It's great that your able to step back and see what you have accomplished over the last year. Hopefully things will continue. You seem to be in a pretty good place these days. Stay strong and we'll pitch in where we can.
Nothing new to report today...things are falling into a calm, seemingly stable pattern. I haven't pursued any R talk with H for a week or two--not really sure I want/need to rock the boat right now.
I know we're different people with different personalities and perspectives. The issues that bother me when I allow myself to think on them don't find resolution in our discussions, because he seems to view them as irrelevant. I'm trying to walk the tightrope between letting him just be himself/find his own path to self-awareness (or not) and taking care of my needs. Don't think I'm sitting idly by, twiddling my thumbs while he continues to be the philanderer. He's here, he's plugged in, and I'm walking by faith that the rest will follow.
I can relate, good changes going on, but some not relevant to what I need out of the R. I too am giving it time to see if this is just a step to where the changes need to happen.
Aud, Just knocking on the door to borrow some sugar from the next door neighbor You have accomplished an awful lot through your tenacity and even more so your FAITH. That seems to be the only way to walk or stride through life in everything...just believe and back up your beliefs... I think you are right on in no mention of the R talks..let that uncover itself when the time comes... Peace...
Let the R talks happen when they can be had without being tension filled. If I am in better control of myself, we accomplish more in the R talk. I have been enjoying the busy days of summer. We tend to do more together, since that is what everyone else is doing.
Let's hear a little more of what we can help you with.
Thanks for the prod. Sigh. I think I'm falling into complacency. I'm really enjoying the feeling of having my family back together again--like you, we're spending a lot more time together, and it's such a relief to have some help with our little ones.
Last night, S3 took a tumble from a window in the front of our house...landed about 10 feet below in the window well of the basement. He climbed out and come to find me before I even knew what had happened. Poor little guy--we were lucky, he just has some scrapes and bruises and is pretty stiff and sore. Anyway, the point to sharing this is that H was here and took over so nicely, comforting him and helping examine him, then getting him into a warm bath and snuggling till he fell asleep. It felt so good to work together to take care of our son.
H seems to be open, we've had some mini R talks recently. They go something like this (in quiet, snuggly moments):
"So, are you happy/doing okay?" "Yah." "Are you?" "Yes."
Fabulous communication, no? The thing is, I am feeling happy and content overall. There are a few things that still worry/scare me.
H seems to think that I must ask specifically in order for him to feel the need to share any information regarding contact with OW. The question "did you talk to OW today?" can be answered "no" if there was email or text rather than talking over the phone. I guess I can change my questions to be more specific: "did you have any communication with OW today?". My reservations about pursuing this information: he can easily lie, and I do not want him to think that I'm obsessive about OW, because I'm really not. It's a trust issue, and seems like a catch-22, so my approach has been to just give it time and watch it closely. I have no idea how to stand up for my position that ALL CONTACT MUST END. I have said it's a non-negotiable for me...he tries to minimize it and make it my problem, because "there's nothing there now".
One thing H said when things came to a head: "It doesn't matter where I work or with whom I work--until I figure out how to handle myself differently, this situation can happen again." This is something I agree with--the problem isn't OW, it's him. I asked him last week if he'd figured out HOW he needed to handle himself differently, and after some thought, he said that "it's not really how I handle myself, it's that I needed to care about you again." What I got from that was that for him it was the attitude shift...he had to realize he was losing me to kick him back to caring about me. In reality, this scares me too, because true change needs to be much deeper than just caring about me: he needs to care about himself and his relationship with God. What happens when/if he decides he doesn't care about me again?
So there you have it. H is definitely plugged in. He's definitely not out screwing around. He could very easily be having contact with one or both OW via phone, email, text and lie about it--he's very good at that. He has not been to talk with our church leaders, after many attempts by them to reach out to him. He attends our main church meeting with me, but leaves while the kids and I go to our auxiliary meetings. He's warm and affectionate and complmentary and thoughtful.
So many positives, so many possibilities for relapse. For me, I guess that's where I just duck my head and expect the best but prepare for the worst. What do y'all think? Ideas? Comments?
