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[123snap]

I am feeling very sad and lonely. I feel like I am doing this all by myself. I keep trying to reach out and am hitting a brick wall. Yes he is home, yes he is engaging as far as conversation and activities go, but there is this gap. I feel like his good friend, not his wife, certainly not his lover. I am sad because I don't think this is how I want to live my life. I am afraid to confront him about this gap. I guess I am not ready. I keep hoping that if I am patient and keep working on me that he will come around, but so far I don't see much evidence of that. I will say though that the first kiss was in April, and that had been since July, so that took a long time. They are few and far between, hugs are more frequent. I am frustrated. I can even live with the lack of sex if there was some intimacy on another level.

I know he is under a lot of stress and to complicate that he hasn't been able to exercise due to an injury, exercise he a major component of his coping. I should encourage him to do what he can and get back on the road so to speak.

I have gained back all the weight I lost, I know that is hurting my attractiveness, but I am having a hard time focusing on that part of my life. I guess I really really need to turn inward and work hard on myself. Perhaps if I start feeling attractive, then I will be more attractive and there will be a trickle down effect. I know I can't stay in this place however, so I guess I have 2 choices, accept that this is where I am or work to change it by changing what I have control over, myself. and only myself. Having had success in the past I know that I can be successful again. I know I can take it to the next level. It is up to ME. just ME, only ME and for ME