I'm broken right now. I thought we were on such a high. Madness. Insanity. Things seemed to be chugging along. Not great, but better at least, some progress is better than none.
My wife told me Thursday she has been involved with someone. It is the friend we traveled to see and stay with for the 4th of July holidays. Typing this now is making me sick, that pit of the stomach thing. I'm actually starting to sweat.
I had to see them together, with her husband and kids there as well as mine, interacting... It's madness. Pit of the stomach, all day everyday we were there. We arrived there Tuesday and didn't leave until Sunday morning. I had the strangest fantasy of walking out of the front door and just walking. On the highway driving home I thought about pulling over to the shoulder and just getting out, walking up this hill to a road and just walking until wherever. When we stopped to get gas I actually looked at the back door of the store and thought, just walk out that door. They are on the other side, they'll never see you leave. I couldn't do it. Just thinking it makes me feel like the ultimate scumbag.
My wife told me that she had never "gone there" before, meaning acted on her SSA, until she felt that our marriage was "over anyway, so what's the big deal".
She told me that she has to have this. I need to let her have this, our marriage to be "open". She told me this is a safe place for her, the other woman isn't going to leave her husband, just "needs" this also. That I and OW's husband can get what we need from them, meaning a relationship with a woman, but they can't get what they need from us. I did talk to the other woman. She has been friends with me for 20 years, man that hurts. She and my wife have been friends for at least 25 years. Nothing has ever happened before and I do believe her. The other woman told me that for her it's mostly a choice, something she enjoys but can't usually pursue due to pressure from the other person for a greater committment, ie; leave your husband and make a life with me. She said for my wife it isn't a choice, my wife has told her, (and me), that my wife doesn't feel anything for men at any level. She just can't. She tries but just can't. So being able to have this with this other woman fulfills this need at least at some level. The OW told me that she pursued my wife. That a year ago my wife told her of her struggle with same sex attraction. That she didn't know what to do, it was such a struggle but she didn't see anyway she could ever act on it. Nothing happened then. The OW decided that when my wife returned in April for a week long visit, OW was going to see if W would go there, as OW felt that "connection". God typing that is making me sick.
I don't know what to do or think right now. I'm not interested in an "open" marriage, whatever that is. My wife said it would only be this friend, none others.
W asked me to give her time to get on her feet, we can live separate lives in the same house while W gets a job and gets everything together so she or I can leave.
I CAN'T DO IT!
I thought I could. I honestly can't think clearly right now. I waffle between wanting to rip this wide open and expose it all to the world. W has told everyone how emotionally abusive and manipulative I have been, as the reason why she just has to get out of this marriage. Even W cheating? My fault. W has done everything to minimize it. She thought the R is over anyway, I can't be "this" for her. Blah, blah, blah.
The other side of me thinks, numerous people have told me that I can make this work. That W can come back to the R. I just have to work hard at making her feel emotionally safe with me, the connection will happen between us again and the "need" to act on this SSA will diminish. DB Coach Chuck was familiar with a group called Exodus International. They helped me a lot to understand my W's issues, ie; severe sexual abuse starting at age 3, non-existant relationship with her mother, the smothering/emotional abuse/manipulative behavior from me. All that made a tough gig even tougher. So that side of me wants to ride it out. Keep DB'ing hardcore and let God work. It's going to take more than a few months for her to get on her feet financially anyway do from that perspective I would have time to let it work.
I just don't know.
I'm talking to a lawyer. I've prayed, I've studied and I've worked. God forgive me.
