Getting started

[waw1978]

Journaling:

Weekend went well for the most part. Friday night took D4 to a local feast (carnival) and we had a great time riding the rides and playing games. D4 won several small stuffed animals and was thrilled. My Dad and S-Mom met us there and D4 was in heaven. She thinks Grampa hung the moon. We stayed out till almost midnight. My H would not have approved but I am not living my life under his rule anymore. H was gracious enough to spend the night at his sisters so D4 could sleep in her own bed and not at my Mom’s with me. I still haven’t moved to the new place so I don’t really have a place for her yet and don’t want to confuse her anymore than necessary. Trying to keep her in the same routine until I get settled and have a bed and room for her. I really appreciated that he was mature enough to do this. He has been rather spiteful and not wanting me to sleep at the house. Part of the all or nothing routine he has been playing. I think he might be realizing this isn’t getting him anywhere. I can’t know what is going through his head but at least this seems to be less of an issue.

Saturday was his day with D4 so they took off and went to his parents pool for the day and to a friends house for BBQ that night. I ended up beaching it with my best girl friend and then I went to celebrate a cousin’s birthday that night. Since I haven’t been feeling up to celebrating it was a welcomed change. We hit a few bars & a nightclub to dance and then early AM breakfast to round out the night. I didn’t get in till 4:30 but had to pick up D4 from H at 8 the next AM. He asked me to bring D4 to his bike rally that afternoon. I was reluctant since it was “my day” with her but I did anyway since it seemed to mean a lot too him. It ended up being a zillion degrees so we didn’t stay long. Due to the heat he invited me & D4 to meet back at his parents to cool off in the pool. I should have said no but D4 loves the pool and thought this would be okay. I should have went with the gut and just taken her to the beach instead. After a pleasant unpressured day at the pool H actually comes right out and asks if we can be intimate when we got home. I refrained from saying what I really wanted to say and just said no, I am not interested. I do not feel that way about him right now. He walked away looking sad and I did feel bad as I did not intentionally want to hurt his feelings. When we got home I told him I didn’t say that to hurt him but I just didn’t feel that way about him just yet. I mean we are not even holding hands or kissing or touching…Why would I want to jump in the sack? I continue to wonder if he is an idiot.

Two steps forward with the pleasant activities on Sunday & letting me & D4 sleep at the house…then the big backslide with yet another comment about the intimacy thing. Shed some light on this for me gents…WTH is he thinking? Why would he think that even asking me, again, would be a good idea? Any good will I had was totally gone after that. Back to square 1.

Now we are supposed to go to two concerts together this week. I was a little annoyed that he is going to see the show two nights in a row and never offered to let me have one night and he could have the other. My only option is to go with him if I want to go. So I agreed to this, but now I am thinking it was a mistake. We also have tickets to a second show later in the week that I still want to go to, so I agreed to that as well. I am really thinking this will give him the wrong idea since he seems to missing the point completely still.