Thanks for the feedback Nomo, sunny, O, and Atlas!
I was actually surprised at the unanimous support for this idea. Even more surprised was I about the "candy" option O and sunny suggested (which I didn't read about until late tonight, but don't think I would've done anyway -- I think the carnation and card were enough).
Okay, journaling for the last two days (I'll try to keep this short, despite my tendancies to be occasionally long-winded).
Saturday I played with the kids and cleaned the house all day. Then around 7:00 p.m. I took the kids over to the IL's house to give everyone gifts I brought them from Hawaii (which went real well). I hung out for a while BSing with MIL and the kids (FIL was out for the night playing poker). Then around 8:00 I headed home and my two Sister IL's (16 and 13) followed me because they were going to spend the night watching the kids while I went out.
Got to my buddy's house around 9:30 and found out that an old friend who moved to AZ 6 years ago had just gotten into town with his W and that they were wanted to go out on the town too. We all met up at a casual watering hole and caught up on things for about an hour or so (and yes, I stayed sober the whole night and was the DD), and then decided to head downtown into the nightlife scene.
We had a great time barhopping for the rest of the night, and closed down the town. I didn't end up getting home until 3:30, and I must say that it felt pretty good driving during this time of night without a concern in the world about being pulled over! A good night, and it was nice getting back into the swing of things socially.
So today (Sunday) I did some more housework and played with the kids throughout the day. Then went and got the carnation and card for the kids to give to W(had to buy 6 carnations, but only had the kids give W one, as I thought anymore would be overdoing it). It was a short and sweet kid-like get well/sympathy card with a nice little statement inside, and in addition to it I wrote "Sorry you're sick, Mommy. Hope you're feeling better!" Then I helped the kids write their own "Love S5" and "Love D3" underneath. Then I helped D3 draw a heart (she insisted -- it was so cute!), and allowed her to color all throughout the card(for flava and character!).
In preparing for W to pick up the kids, I made the kids dinner, then gave them baths so Mom wouldn't have to (remember she is suffering from Type I Diabetes now and hasn't been feeling well anyway, so I've decided to do this for her every Sunday), and packed up their stuff.
W showed up and the kids hid from her (they always do -- it's a short game of hide n seek in the living room. Really cute). W never is into this a whole lot, but plays along for the kids. When she find them they jump out and D3 grabs the flower and S5 gets the card. They both run back to W and tell her "Sorry you're sick and hope you're feeling better," as they give her the gifts. She hugged and thanked them, and they all talked about the flower and how flowers stay alive. W then tells them that they'll go and put it in water.
I tell the kids to get their flip flops on and get ready to go. I asked W if she was feeling better, and she said a little, and showed me her swollen glands under her jaw line (she could actually grab onto them -- they were huge!). She also complained about her pay check being wrong because they forgot to put in her sick pay. I validated and said, "Those b@st@rds" and the like, but didn't ask her if she needed any help (I figured it would be best to let her ask, and then be helpful if she did). She didn't ask for any help, so that was that.
I then told her that I was sorry that the house and yard aren't in selling shape yet (I had previously told her that I would try to have it up for sale by the first week in July), and that I planned on having it pretty much ready to go on the market by the end of the week. She was nice about this and said that it was okay, and we had some small talk about the kids and the schedule.
After this I then brought up something about the D (first R talk since May, but it was kind of necessary). I told her that my L had sent her L paperwork that seemed to be standard procedure stuff (Interrogatories), but that I felt the language was kind of antagonistic (or at least negative in nature), and just wanted to warn her so she wouldn't think I was trying to be a dick about anything. I stressed that my L wrote it up and emailed me a copy, and that's how I knew about it. She said okay, and then I brought up my recent attempt at unfiling.
I wasn't expecting to do this -- it just happened. I told her (in a kind of sheepish vs. confident manner -- damn it!) that I did it because I regretted the fact that I filed in the first place, and was hoping that she would accept it and refile if she wanted to -- that way I would feel better about the final outcome. This all didn't come out very eloquently at all, but I think I got my point across. I even think she kind of teared up a little, but couldn't tell for sure. She gave a kind of sad half smile and kind of guiltily said "sorry" about her refusal, and I said that it was okay and that I understood. I then said that I had figured she would refuse it when I first requested to unfile, and that this way the D would go through much faster. I wasn't very impressed with myself throughout this conversation, but I guess it could've been worse.
We then rounded up the kids, and I asked her if she needed any help out (I expected her to say no), and she said "I think I might be able to get it all" in a way that hinted she would like some help. I grabbed a bag and followed her and the kids out, and was glad to see OM wasn't waiting in the car, at least. We teased D3 about throwing her in the trunk with the stuff because she was wanting to look inside, so had a little laugh about that. Then I asked her if she wanted help strapping them into their carseats -- this is the first time I've offered to help with this. She said sure, so I buckled in D3 while she did S5. I then kissed the kids goodbye and W and I said goodbye and she said thanks, but didn't look at me at all during any of this parting talk (which kind of bummed me out).
Well, the post was long after all -- sorry for those of you who trudged through it, but thanks for your courage in doing so!
I don't know if the flower and card was a positive or not, but I will monitor things and see. W seems pretty invested in ending the M, so I'm not sure any of what I do will help us reconcile at this point, but like I've said before: a few years down the road all of this may pay off if she's ever ready to reconsider getting back together. Until then (or until she gets remarried), I will just keep helping her when she needs it, validating her feelings, giving her space, working on my 180s, and being a good dad (I guess most of this will actually continue forever). I actually think her PLL is WOA, so I'm going to look for occasional subtle ways to work these in without sounding the pursuit alarm! Any suggestions?
Oh, when the kids asked if they were going over to OM's son's house tonight (meaning OM's house), W did say "We'll see." It hurt to hear it, but I just ignored it and stayed friendly and upbeat. I figure she didn't want to say "Yes" in front of me and make me hurt any worse, but who knows -- I'll try not to analyze this one! Now I don't know why I mentioned it.
Sorry again for the long post -- Definitely something I need to work on!
