Stillme & the Plan

[stillme]

Thanks, Kat. "Bounce" may not be the right word. Feel like I'm going 'ping-ping-piinnnnngggg' sometimes & about to give myself whiplash w/the quickness of it all. Is it a true denial? Maybe just stubbornness? An "I'll be dammmed if he'll beat me down" attitude? I don't know. I just know that - in my gut (which is deeper than my heart, and more elemental than my head) I've got to NOT give up. I mean, how much more of a Thump on the Head do I need to GET that my life is being lead by a higher power? Hellloooo! H drops this latest bomb & I'VE GOT A PRIVATE PLANE WAITING TO TAKE ME AWAY?!! What?! The 'coincidences' that have occurred in this (as well as the whole rest of my life!) are amazing. I honestly feel LEAD, and like I KNOW that I need to be right where I am today. I actually told the C today (an hr after the "seeing someone" bomb!) that I STILL say I'm so glad for this whole sitch. I may not know HOW to handle it, and certainly do the wrong things - alot - but it's all STILL good cuz i'm becoming a better person - and happier and healthier - and my life will be GREAT whichever way this M-thing turns out. As Homer says, and I truly believe now: I PREFER to be M'd to H, but I don't NEED to be.

Whew! Too much thinking for today. Gotta get packing.

Oh, and I THINK I just figured out how (and DID) change the password to my computer - you know - just in case. . . lol. Ciao!

[stillme]

Sunny? Uh, that's nice and all but if 21-yr old short-dark-&-handsome Italian dude didn't get me to budge, no CA girlie-girl w/nicer hair than me is gonna! (But for the sake of, uh, Others who shall remain nameless, let me just say that I'm looking forward to being had, too.)

[Nomopo]

If I can't go, I guess being placated sounds pretty fun too.

And let me just add that all this code speak between you two is HOT!

[Gone Dancin']

Agreed!

Enjoy the Bahamas, still!

[Nomopo]

still jealous here

[stillme]

Ciao, all! Nomo, how's the Fort?

First, a self-photo and some brief words about the trip: http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v127/jean1331/bahamas/bahamasebayetc112.jpg - Fan-friggin-tastic! - Amazing! - STUPENDOUS! (more details later)

Now, a brief highlight (venting, journaling, etc.) of the Sitch:
H is having (and has had) an affair w/Wisconsin chick (Andrea) who is keeping 'our' (H's) dog. Go figure. Friend-A wins the Reality Pool. She called it (the state, the dog-sitter, the timing, etc.) a while ago. I just didn't have any 'proof'. H actually has GF currently staying at his apt w/him for 4th of July thru tomorrow. S saw daddy 'making out' w/GF on his bed & when S was telling me this, D was shushing S saying, "A!!! Daddy said not to tell mommy!" Oh, yay, huh? H brought kids to my BFF to keep for wkend while I was away (tho NOT as agreed upon - another long story) and brought along GF & introduced her to my BFF! BFF says (ha!) that GF looks alot like me (same coloring, hair, big blue eyes. She noticed the similarities right away.) H called me prolly 6-7 tmes in a 2hr time span while I was at BFF's this eve. I let the first one go to vm &, with each subsequent call, clicked "send to vm" & didn't return them. He even tried calling BFF's cell, but she let it go to vm the first time (He told her to have me call him back & that he wanted to talk to the kids) & second time she answered & he talked to kids then told S to pass the phone to me. I politely declined. (And, no, he wasn't "missing the kids" b/c he had them UNTIL YEST. NOON, talked to them on BFF's cell this morn. & is expecting to pick them up as scheduled tomorrow.) The one vm he left for me said (firmly, like my Boss again), "J. Call me as soon as you get this message. We need to talk about this wkend" [ie., that I had asked BFF to watch the kids Fri-Sun instead of him & prolly to find out what I'd found out about GF] It'll take a bit to explain what-all went on about the kid-sharing/caring for plan while I was away, but I'll get to that. . . Suffice to say that, tho he had agreed to the arrangement when I asked him on Tues., he didn't follow thru & kept putting off getting them to BFF's.

I am SOOOOO angry at H! I am finding it very hard to find ANY positive adjectives to describe him. All this time, he has been blaming me, making me out to be the Source of All Things Bad in the R & the reason why the M would not work out, being ugly & disrespectful to me, spewing & acting blameless himself, plus focusing on the financial "stress" and strain caused by my "refusal to get a 'real' job" as his motivating factor in his anger & hatred towards me . . .plus actively plotting to NOT pay child support (by "setting a precident" [his words] for keeping the kids 50% of the time] AND to NOT pay alimony b/c I don't "deserve" it . . . all the while he has been having an A!! He has had the kids CALL THIS WOMAN to "talk about the dog"! He has told the kids that his having a GF is okay b/c he doesn't love me anymore, and is not living w/me! He is sleeping w/her in his bedroom WHILE MY KIDS ARE IN THE NEXT ROOM! How the he!1 more disrespectful to me, M in gen'l & our "R" (no matter what form it is currently) can he be?!!! Does he not consider AT ALL what this crap is doing to the kids?! I think of him & see a monster.

Of course, he doesn't consider himself "M'd"; he has no respect for me or our R (such that it is) but WTF?! In the eyes of our little children (much less the law & God), he is STILL F'ING MARRIED!!! Acting like this behavior is NORMAL in front of a 6 & 9 yr old is acceptable in what universe?! THIS from a man who wouldn't let his kids see Shrek for the language involved! It is beyond understandable.

BFF & her H were urging me to, basically, file for D myself but -HA! - I still cannot do it. I still feel strongly that I am to stand for my M. (Is that weird of what?!) Not only will I NEVER be the one to cave under pressure from H, but I will NOT take his responsibility on for him! He has been trying to pass the D-buck since this started, and I will not do it.

I also will not let my children think this is acceptable. After some talk on the drive home from Tampa - and break-my-heart tears from D when she said at the end, "I just want to go back to the beginning, when I was a baby and everything was good." I asked if they knew what M was, and said it was basically a promise 2 people made to each other & to God that, no matter what, they would stay M'd. I asked if they thought it was ok that daddy had a GF. At the same time, S said "No" and D said "I guess so", and they went back & forth w/each other about it. We ended by talking about how one day M & D MAY very well be D'd & then it would be okay (by the law & by God & by each other) that there be GF's & BF's but until then daddy was making a bad choice to have a GF, and to say that it was okay, and to tell the kids to NOT tell were also bad choices. I also reminded them that Miss B/C had discussed the "no secrets" rule about children & D & we talked about that some. I said that I was not saying that they couldn't like Miss GF or that daddy was bad, just that it was a bad choice & it was not a right way for M'd people to act & it was not a normal thing to do.

D's prayer at bedtime: "Dear God, please help daddy think about his bad choices and about what it means to be M'd. Help him remember to talk to You and ask You what he should be doing. I just want everyone to do what's good and right. . ."

[Nomopo]

Hi!!! We've missed you! I was just going to post "Donde esta?" I'll read your thread next, but I saw the picture. VERY COOL! And I didn't hold down the fort much. Was offline mainly. Sunny, GD and others did most of the work.

I did scan your post very quickly and I will say upfront that my WAW completely denies the effect of the OM on our chances or her ability to evaluate the sitch clearly. It's ludicrous, but it is what it is.

Back after I read your post,
Nomopo

PS - did I mention we missed you?

[Nomopo]

I am so glad your trip was awesome! I am still jealous. And, again, that picture is very cool! I am guessing there is one with you in it, but you didn't care to go public yet.

I am SOOOOO angry at H! I am finding it very hard to find ANY positive adjectives to describe him.

You have every right to be, and I doubt there are any appropriate positive adjectives.

All this time, he has been blaming me, making me out to be the Source of All Things Bad in the R & the reason why the M would not work out, being ugly & disrespectful to me, spewing & acting blameless himself, plus focusing on the financial "stress" and strain caused by my "refusal to get a 'real' job" as his motivating factor in his anger & hatred towards me . . .plus actively plotting to NOT pay child support (by "setting a precident" [his words] for keeping the kids 50% of the time] AND to NOT pay alimony b/c I don't "deserve" it . . . all the while he has been having an A!!

Yep, and I can assure you he would say (and a superficial level may believe) that she is irrelevant and immaterial to what is happening between the two of you. Which, of course, ia absurd, but don't be surprised if and when you hear it.

He has had the kids CALL THIS WOMAN to "talk about the dog"! He has told the kids that his having a GF is okay b/c he doesn't love me anymore, and is not living w/me! He is sleeping w/her in his bedroom WHILE MY KIDS ARE IN THE NEXT ROOM! How the he!1 more disrespectful to me, M in gen'l & our "R" (no matter what form it is currently) can he be?!!! Does he not consider AT ALL what this crap is doing to the kids?! I think of him & see a monster.

This is AWFUL. I am so sorry. I guess the disrespect to you and the M shouldn't surprise me. After all, he's been disrespecting you for a while. But I am STUNNED about how he is conducting himself vis-a-vis your kids. If he is doing nothing wrong, then why tell your D (and S?) not to tell mommy? And talk about using the kids by telling them to keep it secret from mom!! Awful. And sad. Again, sorry. (((((stillme)))))

Of course, he doesn't consider himself "M'd"; he has no respect for me or our R (such that it is) but WTF?! In the eyes of our little children (much less the law & God), he is STILL F'ING MARRIED!!! Acting like this behavior is NORMAL in front of a 6 & 9 yr old is acceptable in what universe?! THIS from a man who wouldn't let his kids see Shrek for the language involved! It is beyond understandable.

Oh, you said everything I was thinking, if I had just read farther. Sorry.

BFF & her H were urging me to, basically, file for D myself but -HA! - I still cannot do it. I still feel strongly that I am to stand for my M. (Is that weird of what?!)

Good for you! Not at all weird, if you ask me (or any of the rest of us who have had spouses in As.

break-my-heart tears from D when she said at the end, "I just want to go back to the beginning, when I was a baby and everything was good."

I asked if they knew what M was, and said it was basically a promise 2 people made to each other & to God that, no matter what, they would stay M'd. I asked if they thought it was ok that daddy had a GF. At the same time, S said "No" and D said "I guess so", and they went back & forth w/each other about it. We ended by talking about how one day M & D MAY very well be D'd & then it would be okay (by the law & by God & by each other) that there be GF's & BF's but until then daddy was making a bad choice to have a GF, and to say that it was okay, and to tell the kids to NOT tell were also bad choices.

I am sorry he put you in this position.

D's prayer at bedtime: "Dear God, please help daddy think about his bad choices and about what it means to be M'd. Help him remember to talk to You and ask You what he should be doing. I just want everyone to do what's good and right. . ."

Bless her heart...

Glad you had a great trip, glad your back with us, sorry for all the toughness. Big hugs, of course. (((((j)))))

Nomopo

[SunnySeason]

Welcome back Still,

I'm so sorry your great trip was tainted by H's......don't even have the words to descibe his behavior.

The most egregious are the ones involving the kids & his duplicitous nature in his still unfinished R w/you. Seems that he wanted you to take the hit for it all, while he proceeds seemingly unaccountable along his way.

I know you're going to handle this in the same way you've dealt w/ all the other difficult situations you've found yourself facing.

I have confidence that you can stand up to H & his boss like persona with grace & dignity (apparently he is lacking in this at the moment, but might recognize it in you, show him what it is!).

I understand why you're still standing, as Nomo says, all of us here w/ S's in, or who have been in A's are still standing also.

Glad you're back.....

{{{{{StillMe}}}}}

Sunny

[ItsKat]

Hi, Still! I am glad you had a great time on your trip. I love the picture. You look so familiar to me!

I just want to say Ick, Ick, Ick about what your H is doing. The way he is parading her in front of the kids and asking them to lie about it, Yuck!

I was really hoping that your sitch might have actually been one w/o and OP and now I am wondering if there are ANY sitches w/o OPs!

I completely understand your frustrations w/ H on this as I have (and still am) BTDT. I HATE how they do something wrong and somehow we are to blame for it and everything else wrong. How the hell does that work? Grrrrrrr.

I think I am the most sad at how much your kids are exposed and in the middle of this. Poor babies. I am glad they have you to help steer them the right way.

((((still))))