Yeah, I know I should just stop before they lock my thread, but I have just realized/admitted to myself that I'm pretty ticked off. Before explaining why, I'm gonna try and share a more positive part of my ever-changing plan:
During Thursday's R talk, I asked her to forgive me (for my failings, for anything I've ever said that caused her pain, and for having made a habit of treating her how I wanted to be treated rather than how she wanted to be treated). She said that she forgives me, and I thanked her for saying so, but mainly just thanked her for hearing me out (because I know she still hasn't forgiven me). She of course asked if I could forgive her, and I replied that I really wanted to (I have learned, whether she has or not, that true forgivenss has to be earned. I was just trying to open the door for her to step up and take what I want so badly to give her).
Anywho, in the Friday R talk (which shouldn't have happened, but I feel was probably unavoidable considering MIL's actions), she made reference to her unhappiness in being unable to satisfy me physically. She also showed a lot of resentment regarding the "gift" of a camera that she gave me, as she apparently expected me to become an overnight photography sensation as soon as I took it out of the box.
Now, you and I (and most rational people) know that a gift is not supposed to have those kind of strings attached, especially when no effort was made to explain such expectations, but this whole process must be grounded firmly in the concept of empathy. Here's my plan:
On the next R talk opportunity (she will have to initiate, I just want to be prepared), I plan on asking her to take some time before answering, if she chooses to answer at all, but that I would like to know what I could have done to make her feel that I was more satisfied with her efforts in our physical relationship. Hopefully, she will give me something that I can use at a later date to make her feel better about that facet of our relationship, but the very least I hope she will know that I didn't mean to hurt her in that fashion. Maybe it will work, maybe not, but it seems like a good thing to try.
As to the camera, I plan on telling her that I am very sorry I failed to live up to her expectations (though I'm not sure I should be, this is kind of true), but that the camera has given me a lot of personal pleasure and remains the finest gift I have ever received from anyone (all very true).
Let me know if you see any holes in my thinking. Now, I'd like to vent about why I am so durn angry (I knew putting a positive first would help me soften on this):
I had to take last Thursday off to watch my S, as MIL had I doctor's appointment and W has no sick or vacation time available (she got really sick in January, which I chalk up to stress and guilt). Now, I certainly don't mind spending the day with my son, and I hadn't taken a day off in quite a while, but some recent revelations make this fact clear:
W could not afford to take the morning off to watch her S while her Mother went to the doctor, but she can take the better part of a week off to get laid later this month.
And she had the nerve to try and lecture me on why I'm being selfish by not kicking myself out of the house. I won't talk to her about this, I know it would be DB death, but I hope you can see why I am questioning whether or not this is a person I really want to have in my life. Sure, she has good traits, but this one is pretty hard to swallow.
Thanks for putting up with me, and her is your lame joke:
Two apples are in an oven. One apple say to the other "Wow, it's getting pretty hot in here" The other apple says "Holy Crap! A talking apple!"
