Living with my WAW 3

[SuperDad]

Journaling:
Today was an interesting one. W went for a long walk this morning. I did chores while she was gone. We ate lunch separately as she and the kids ate while I was still working. She then decided to take a nap and I ran errands (incl. buying some new clothes and shoes and getting a haircut).

When I got back, I approached her about her plans for the trip to Texas. Esp. regarding when the kids will stay with my parents and whether she has any concrete dates that she needs to be in specific places. She still did not, but was leary of us all spending too much time together in Austin. My ASSumption is that she wants to have more time with OM, but who knows.

Really at this point I am ready for her to move on. I decided to use this opportunity to discuss along these lines. I asked her if she had made any plans for the future. She got defensive and said:

W: "You mean like a job? I have a job, I'm a mom."
SD: That's not a full time job anymore and anyway, your "job" was also to be my wife and you retired from that job. You need to make a plan for how you are going to take care of yourself in the future.
W: You can't force me to get a job.
SD: You are right, but you can't force me to continue to live like this either. I have been very patient with the sitch because I need you to be happy in the long run with your path in life so you can be the mom that our kids need. However, I am not willing to live like this forever. I would like you to start thinking about what you want to do and how you think that things can move forward. This inherently involves you being able to support yourself as I am not willing to sacrifice my happiness so that you can live the life that you want. You cannot say that you want to pursue other relationships, to the exclusion of our relationship, and then expect me to support you!

She said that she had a job in Austin but that she turned it down, because... I sort of cut her off at this point and said "So you think that I manipulated the sitch to force you to stay?" (I then appologized for cutting her off and asked whether I was putting words in her mouth?)

This was followed by a LONG silence on her part.

I said that this was not my intent and I thought that you were for sure leaving! You turning down the job and staying in FL was the biggest surprise I have had in my life! I am so grateful to be with the kids, but still, I thought that this was good that you had a plan. Now, I feel that we are back to ground zero.

Again, LONG silence on her part.

She made some points like she does not want to be "dependent" upon someone else for her happiness and that she is not looking for a "relationship" like I want (meaning a lifelong one). She also pointed out that "lots" of people, including ones we know, live together long after the marriage is dead. This was preceded by my defining our current relationship as "not married anymore". I again said that I want to live life to its fullest and not compromise my opportunities to experience everything that life has to offer. Including a complete R where all aspects of life are shared. I reflected that we had never really had this. I did not in any way intimate that I was expecting/looking for this with her. Nor did I repeat my past statements that I am still willing to work on our R.

At the end of the convo., I sat reflecting on the couch for a bit. Then I asked her if she noticed my haircut. She claimed that she couldn't even tell I got it cut! I have to point out here that she cut my hair for 15 years and that I got it cut substantially differently this time than ever before. I am sure that this is in line with her "not noticing" the changes that I have made in my life. She has refused to directly acknowledge any physical or behavioral change on my part, only focusing on the times when I have difficulties, esp. with the kids.

At this point, I am going to move forward assuming that our R will never be reopened and that I should just lookout for my best interests and for those of the kids. The main problem with this is that she is still financially dependent upon me and she is not showing any desire to support herself. Right now she still has complete control over our finances and I am again paying for her vacation, including trips to see OM.

Nevertheless, I will let this to happen and will pay for it. If only to show her that I have reached a level of detachment that let's this happen. I know that this will not directly bring her to work on our R, but I also know that she is questioning a lot of things right now and that my using finances to control the sitch will only "prove" her belief that I somehow am a master of manipulating her (in fact, I am totally incompetent at this!).

After the convo (about 30 min), I went to neighbor's to watch the Copa America quarterfinals (Argentina was fantastic by the way). When I got home everyone was asleep (8:45 pm) Yup, she is really a wild MLCer!

Sorry for the long post, but I really wanted to get this one down for future reference.

SD