Just plodding along........

[NDDT]

Last couple of nights have been hard for me. I have been writing this letter in my head the last few days. A self rightous, scathing type letter in which I let all my anger pour forth. And perhaps I should still write this letter, let all the vile poisen spew forth. Like an infected boil, lance it and let the poisen out so I can heal.........Sort of for a time reveal in my pain, really feel it, then let it go...

Of course to write a letter and to actually send it are 2 different things. I do not think I would send this letter unless I truly would like my situation to be forever and permantly resolved. Resolved in way that would not put my family back together. Of course to do something like this might be a sort of a beyond the last resort technique. I suppose it could be named the last chance technique?

I read on a different message board quite awhile back, and this does make sense to me. "At first the leaver will see nothing but the bad in the leavee. But in time the leaver will remember the good in the leavee." ...... "The reverse is true for the leavee. At first the leavee will remember all the good in the leaver, but in time the leaver will see the bad in the leavee"

I believe this role reversal thing is happening at least for me, as I am remembering alot of the bad that was done upon me. Of course remembering all of this is doing absolutely nothing for my PMA, or detaching. It is making me angry and sullen and depressed.

It is making me want to push things, and not in the right direction. It is making me want to go talk to a lawyer. But I just did get a reminder as I read a different thread......CVA said, "As the books say, in any scenario you will know that you took the high ground and gave it your all. You cant control what she does (nor should any of us) so why fight it." That is where I want to be. I want the moral high ground, I dont want to give up, yet. One of my goals is even if things dont change to give this a full year before I push.......

Tonight whilst I am at work I want to eliminate all of these negative thoughts and letter writing from my brain. Perhaps I will need to get all of this out on paper, (or some sort of format) to push on past it.

A funny thing did happen though as I woke up today. My first consious thought of the day was actually a positive thought of her vs a negative. I remembered how when I had to get up for work or whatever how she would come in to wake me up. She would come in bed and gently rub my shoulders until I woke up. It was a nice memory, made me a little sad too. But it felt nice to remember something good about her.........

[Nomopo]

Write the letter(s). Get it out. Then trash\burn it (them).

[walkingcliche]

I'm not up on your particular sitch, but I think we are in really similar places right now. Wish I could offer a solution, but I just spent a half hour yelling at a (willing) surrogate so I can be calm when I talk to the W tonight.

I'm just gonna second Nomo's motion for now.

P.S. I'm an animation junkie, and have found a lot of deep spiritual meaning in a cartoon called "Samurai Jack". Sounds stupid, I know, but when the pressure is on I sometimes think of the main character's unshakeable calm, and it has helped me out a couple of times.

[limbo]

NDDT, I agree with Nom, and I do it quite alot, I will write a letter addressed to H and get out all those feelings that bubble up, never send them, it does feel better!
And as far as role reversal, I understand that too, because I am feeling more and more like that myself.
Remembering all the hurt, but I think I need to decide what I want more, and if him leaving is going to get rid of all that pain and hurt, or make it worse!

[new_attitude]

I agree with the previous posters. Write the letter- it will make you feel better to get it all out- but then burn it! If you send it, you may not get the reaction you're hoping for or you may change your mind after sending it. You can also vent here- soemtimes that helps.

[NDDT]

Today I want to ask a question that alot of you will probably not like.

If you know for fact and certain that your WAS is currently involved with OM/OW, why continue having any hope for a reconcilliation?

To this point in my seperation I have yet to recieve any hard evidence that this is the case. But I strongly suspect it. I think the day (if) I do get confirmation, it is done. For myself I will have to abandon all hope and proceed in rebuilding a life that does not include her.

The thing I do not really get is how all these Walk Aways go out and have there affairs, and somehow manage to convince themselves that it is the Left Behinds fault..... That we drove them to do this.
What a load of crap! When they made the choice to have there affairs, they made the choice to fail there marriage, to fail there family. When they make the choice to BLAME us for there choice, they compound it by failing there selves.

I do not have any respect for cheaters. But I give a grain of it to those who at least own up and say, "Yeah I did it, and it was wrong" Or even "Yeah I did it, and I did it because I wanted to"

Those that hide it, and when found out lie about it, or when admitting it say "it only happened because you pushed me.....you failed me.....you yada yada yada......." cannot, willnot even have the gumption to own up, instead choose to lay blame upon the spouse who was cheated on and decieved in the first place. Those are the biggest offenders, and unfortuniatly seem to be in the majority.

I guess in my situation, if it does ever come to light I will most likely be in that last catagory. If there ever was to be any chance of reconcilliation then there had better been serious owning up, and some serious apoligizing, before I could even consider trusting again. Which most likely would not take place, and in her exact words........"it's too late" I proceed forward and not look back. Do right by my child and do right by myself....

Right now, I still know nothing. I have choose not to look for any damning evidence. If it is meant to come to light, then it shall.
I will work at bettering myself. Be a good daddy. Live each day the best I can.

I realize that this post will probably not be pleasant for some of you to read, and for that I apoligize. But when I take a hard look at things, this is where I am at. I do hope that all of you have a good day.

G

[ItsKat]

It's a good question, NDDT.

I would say that you don't quite know what your line is until you get there. Before I knew about H's A, I would have said that him having an A would end our marriage right there. That was my line. Then I found out about the A and my line moved. I was willing to forgive and move on as long as he ended the A. The unfortunate thing is that he never ended the A. He continued/s his involvment w/ her and he lies about it. Because of that, my feelings and respect for him are pretty much nothing.

Why am I still hanging on? I've been asking myself that a lot lately. For me, it still comes down to the fact that I wouldn't be able to live with myself or look at my kids if I were the one to put the final nail in the coffin of this M. My H is very likely going to end our M, but it will be by his doing, not mine.

[Nomopo]

If you know for fact and certain that your WAS is currently involved with OM/OW, why continue having any hope for a reconcilliation?

Easy. Because many (I think most, actually) marriages survive infidelity. Have you read Michele's chapter on infidelity recently. And there are many many success stories on here where there was an OP. So the simple answer is an OP or an A doesn't mean you can't save your M. It doesn't mean it is hopeless.

I guess in my situation, if it does ever come to light I will most likely be in that last catagory. If there ever was to be any chance of reconcilliation then there had better been serious owning up, and some serious apoligizing, before I could even consider trusting again. Which most likely would not take place

I agree this needs to happen, but it isn't likely to happen until the WAS decides not to walk away and instead to reinvest in the M. So out those needs on the backburner too.

You still in the same spot G?

[Atlas]

NDDT,

It is crazy to read your posts, they are what my mind is saying all day. Can't control it anymore it just won't shut up and keeps talking to me. I'll have to see someone about that.

I asked the same question about the cheating yesterday. How could someone do this? How do others pursue a married person?

I think a spouses thinking gets warped when the EN are not being met, they get bitter, I know I am. You look for outlets to meet those needs.

As for slime balls after married people, they should be shot! No questions asked.

[Nomopo]

I understand all these feeling you two are expressing, and yes I think I do "hate" the OM in my sitch, but you know what (I guess this is directed more at Atlas)? The truth is this isn't about the OP and what s/he does at all. It's all about the spouses. They are the ones who broke vows, were unfaithful, etc.