Hopeful Happiness

[princess_nic]

ISLH - the photos are on MySpace. There are only three right now.

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The kids are with H today and tonight.

I took the opportunity to go through some video on Hi-8 to see what's on it and get stuff transferred to DVD. There is some really cute stuff of both kids when they were babies, toddlers and preschoolers. At one time, H was pretty into videotaping them, esp D10.

In one tape, D10 (then 4) interviewed each of us separately. It was summer 2001, and I was a few months pg with S5. She asked H to tell her some bad news! He answered, "I hate my job and I'm ready to quit; we have no money; I feel like my life is in a rut."

I said, "That's too depressing for posterity!"

He shrugged and said, "We can erase it."

Then, D asked him for some good news. He had to think about it for a few seconds (unlike the bad news), and finally said, "Mummy's got a bun in the oven, and you're going back to daycare in the fall!"

Two years later, there's footage of us at Cape Cod, with close-ups of me swimming and getting out of the water (Bo Derek style!), also taken by H.

So what does this tell me? It was bittersweet to see this. I know that H adored D - still does, as much as he can - and I know that he was once happy with us, regardless of what he says. I know that he was getting depressed at least four years before he left, and I know that he still cared about me enough to shoot video of me (that I didn't even know about) two years before.

I also know that as far back as 2001, he thought he was stagnating. And it had nothing to do with me.

I'm going to make the copies of these, and I will give copies to him. Not to make him feel guilty, or make him "see the light," or anything like that. But because this time is a part of his past, and I know that he will like to see the children when they were younger. I don't even know that he will see the sadness in this.

One thing I also learned is that I've come so far in two years. I never thought I would be able to look at this with anything but sadness, yet I can smile, too, at the good memories. And there were some, there were some.

Love,
N