Well, got through my sister's wedding yesterday. It was a FUN day. I really like what the pastor had to say about M during the ceremony. He talked about love being a "decision" and not a feeling, and about just how many marriages are ending in D, and that he thinks its because spouses don't realize that love is "giving". Not what you usually hear at a wedding... at least not that direct... and I thought it was good. Was nice to see an old childhood friend who wants to reconnect. She told me she was going to be on the lookout for a guy for me after she learned of my sitch, and she also thinks I'll make a great real estate agent. She's been through some of this and is now happily remarried and just had her 2nd child 13 years after her 1st.
I'd say you're right, HS... I am definitely getting more comfortable with taking care of me and asking for what I want. I still take my backslide seriously, and think they have the power to scare off the WAS even if they were genuinely extending an olive branch. I love that you're wanting me to feel better, but you guys might be going a little easy on me. Yeah, I want to truly be attracting people into my life... I just don't think I have been. I'll get there. I am getting myself back again.
I'm glad to be in a place where I see that I need to DO better WHILE not beating myself up over it. I need to be accountable to myself. The lashing out absolutely was a behavior of mine that pushed my H away. It felt abusive to him, and I think it was at times. I want and need to change that for ME no matter who I am relating with. What happened was I'd taken things personally. Sure, totally understandable, but that seems to invite a situation of feeling like I'm "being cheated on" and wanting to control him, instead of being detached and letting that be his problem. I won't be that weak or the victim, or use the hurt as an excuse to abuse him... I choose to be strong, confident, and in control of me. I don't know what came first, the chicken or the egg, but I will do my part. I think I'm learning to respect myself and believe it's the only way I will teach others how to treat me with respect. I want to deal with my anger in a more mature way and I've been doing a good job of it... just had a backslide. Bottom line... that wasn't how I want to handle myself, but change takes effort and time. It's really great to see that I'm learning to love myself... I'm patient and kind to ME. I'm excited about that.
Ian... yeah, I don't think it's an accident when our timing is off with theirs and vice versa. When and if it's meant to be, it will be. I think we need to work on ourselves in order to let that happen though. Besides taking things personally, I didn't have patience and wanted MORE when I was being given SOMETHING. I recognized this stuff and am correcting myself, and I'm feeling pretty darn good with where I'm at today. I'm OK with not getting it perfect for once too... yay! And I don't feel like I have to be perfect in order to move forward. Yep, keeping my focus on my career and financial independence.
Nice, Trip. I'm definitely not down.... had some tough times over the last week, but I'm coming back strong I think. Keep looking ahead is great advice!
Me: 37 M: 14 yrs Separated 10/06; Filed for D 12/07 Life is good.
