My Miracle will come....

[Delil@h]

~BND, thanks.
Are you a mind reader? I have to say.. I feel so good but yes underneath this all there is just a feeling of ... uuuggghhh.
FRUSTRATION....

I cannot change anyone but me and the feeling bubbling up in me these past few weeks that hubby has been home is one of... I need to let all this ugliness out and I cant cause he is being quite nice and so it is old pent up stuff. I may just have to look into that or YOGA. Right now he is letting me down ( the drinking again) ... he promised to be home in an hour and it has been almost 6.

And you know what I am not terribly angry just more let down. He called awhile ago and said he is getting me a Puppy today... I will believe it when I see it. I am Happy but I am no longer going to hold my breath.... for anything. It just is not good for me.
Thanks BND you are a sweetheart.
God bless...
~Ali

[Delil@h]

Well it has been an interesting few days since I posted last. MY HUBBY did get me a puppy , he is @ 9 months old and he is a Bichon Frise. He is sooooooooooooo adorable. We just love him, and he is soooooooooo spoiled! He is really cute too!


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


I would like to also say that I am soooooooooooooo proud of me~!
The other day some *W*s pull up in a car to drop off someone ( guy that works for H) and to make a long story short,, I did talk to my H @ it. That day and the next morning. and he knows now how it made me feel and that it was inappropriate.


I must admit:

I walked out to the car where my H was talking to them .(( I WANTED TO KICK HIM!)))

... one of the girls I do know my H has known her for years she is an acquaintance of his. ( he had been drinking a looooooooooot that day) All I did was look at them and I am quite sure I wasnt smiling.... yuck!
He did not like that I went out there.
..... he said it looked like I do not trust him,,,, I told him I understand your point of view but you apparently do not understand mine. He THEN told me he loves me and he respects me... and hugged and kissed me~

NEXT MORNING.... we talked about it more and he said basically he was sorry.

Also that I hurt his feelings by acting like I do not trust him etc etc etc...

and I did say .....

(((( ....cause he started to mention the past.AND HOW I USED TO BE X, Y, OR Z. ( JEALOUS, GO OUT ONCE IN AWHILE, AND SUSPICIOUS)))))))

"YOU NEED TO STOP LIVING THERE,,, OR DO YOU WANT ME TO LIVE THERE TOO????????????????"

"Cause then the way I acted the other day was far , I mean far too Ladylike."

"With your history I should have went out there and made a scene or worse and also for sure thought the worst of you. I trust you but that just wasnt ok."


I repeated .. "YOU NEED TO STOP LIVING THERE,, WE ARE HERE NOW AND I WORK EVERYDAY TO LET THE PAST GO... YOU NEED TO ALSO."


We talked about the issue more later and I explained ..

"what if I was bent over by a car and sticking my BUTT in the air and talking to them and you walked up?"

He said that is different .

And I said NO actually it is not.
I also told him.... I know you were not "doing anything bad" but you had your butt in the AIR and you were like hee, hee, heee.ha, ha, ha and I literally just wanted to walk up to you and kick you in the a**. He agreed.


So I am proud of me cause I am making progress and he is getting better and validating me ( even though it takes 2 or 3 convos ) and seeing that I HAVE FEELINGS TOO.

We also talked more about his "DRINKING PROBLEM".
I AM NOT TAKING IT ON , IT HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH ME!!!!!!!!!!!!

~ HE IS JUST STARTING TO SEE THE PROBLEMS IT CAUSES.PRAISE GOD~

HE even admitted he would not have been so friendly to those girls had He not been drinking so much.


Will post more later...it is getting somewhat easier to tell him exactly how I feel w/o fear. I am very proud of that ....

God bless...

[Delil@h]

I have been thru a lot lately and have been far too busy to post. I have really been working hard on my M again and my R with my H has been improving so so much. My H still drinks more than he should but I can not control that as much as I would love to change it he needs to change that for himself. I tell how I feel so much more now and he does actually listen and he has been trying harder to "adjust" and take my thoughts and feeling into consideration. He has honestly never been like this before with me,, and I notice that if I state how I feel in a non accusatory way and let him no where I stand he really tries to accommodate me in a genuine way. He says ILY to me very frequently now and he shows me who he is more and we actually talk a lot more now. He is more open with me and he is really trying hard to stay here and not travel away to work anymore. All on his own. I have put worrying about my weight on hold though once again ,, it is as if I am trying to just make sure this is real and nothing else matters. I have lost a few pounds since he Has been home and yet I do not fuss about it and have just been putting foods in my body that will nourish me not hurt me or make me feel bad.... too much sugar or dairy and I feel yucky.

I also noticed that the more I let go and just be the more he comes closer to me. I have really worked hard on the controlling every outcome thing that I do seem to have. Like last nite he went out and he got home very late. I was asleep and he did not wake me like he used to he just laid by me and this am instead of being upset and "controlling" everything... I got ready .. put on this fabulous Teal dress that I have and told the kids to get ready and we were going for breakfast. I would have normally sat around waiting for him to get up and then have a talk about his bad behavior. ETC, ETC , ETC!

Nope~
I tapped his foot and said we'll be back later and he drowsily asked "where are you going?" and I said "to breakfast OK.~" ( extreme 180 for me )
He said " ok"

He called @ 10 minutes later and told me he loved me and to take care. I was shocked to say the least.
( are you kidding me that was awesome... even just a month ago he would have been pouting cause I left~ AWSEOME he is growing up after all and letting go)

Progress and it feels so awesome... I am very proud of all my hard work.
So much has transpired and what I can say is that when you really and truly work hard on yourself and let go of all these preconceived notions of how my life is supposed to be X, y or z it gets so much better and when you really focus on changing you first and foremost it just makes you strong and everything that happens you seem to look for the silver lining cause you feel like you deserve so much more and want to achieve it all by yourself. I know this will get better and I will succeed. I am so proud of this New Me that seems to get stronger everyday. And hey if I am still a little chubby too damn bad. I am a strong Woman who wont take sh*t anymore and does it in way that God would love and be proud of. No more turning my cheek constantly that was getting old. My Life is too short to waste on what could be.

I watched the movie Premonition the other day and when it was over I had this enormous lump in my throat. I understood for some reason while still watching it the enormous amount of pain I put him thru and the desperation he must have felt to have to allow himself to believe he needed to "fix" it with her. Not justifying it just understood it more, this has been one crazy ride. and in a week it will soon be the year ANNIVESARY of our Reconciliation. OUT OF SOMETHING SO UGLY AND GROTESQUE ( sp?) has emerged a Relationship I only used to dream of and a Me that Is so good. ~WOW
All thanks to my H saying to himself "HEY I WILL GIVE THIS ANOTHER TRY`"

AND ME?

WORKING MY A** OFF.... Phweeew... Sheesh it has been a long road and I see now that I will never reach the end.
I need to keep working on this ,,,,
and yet not walking on egshells sure makes the "walking" down the road so much easier and when your partner is walking down it with you holding your hand right next to you...
not in front leading or begrudginly trailing behind but right next to you. Praise God! Miracles do happen with a lot of sweat and tears and getting back up even though it seems like you will just fall flat on your face once again. Get up brush off your knees and start over! I have my H back and the best part is I have ME back and he has the Wife he was waiting so long for. For so long I was afraid to be vibrant and alive ....be me..... for GOds sake and now that I am .......MY M has truly been restored.

P.S.

( the puppy is awesome , the kids love him too... having trouble with my teenager and yet I know it will all be ok. I CAN do this.) ... thank you all so much for your support.
~Ali
God bless...

[oldtimer]

You sound great. Keep off the eggshells!

You can only have the R you want if you are the person you would want to be in that R.

[COG]

Ali,

You are my hero! YOU have earned, and deserve all the blessings you now enjoy. Your last post says it all. Please Please Please forward you post to Michelle so she can post it on the success thread. Just think of how low you were, and how reading a post like your last one might have lifted you just enough to keep on trying. We are all called to give hope to the weary. So just forward it over to Michele right now.

[e-mail]

God Bless you!

Love,

COG

PS I'm going to forward it myself right now, but it would be nice if YOU contacted Michele also.

[cherrishher]

Hi Ali,

Long time....I was stopping by the board to check on a few friends and saw your post(s). It makes me so happy to see you are still working on building a new R with H.

God bless you both and keep up the good work.

~ C ~

[BeingMe]

Fantastic! So glad to hear your wonderful update!

[brandnewday]

Hola!!!
Just seeing how things are going.
Stay on track sweetie, you are doing great.
Do NOT second guess yourself.
At the end of the day we are only accountable for our own actions, not anyone elses.
As long as you can look at yourself in the mirror each day and have a clear conscience you are doing wonderfully!!!

[Delil@h]

~Thank you all for the kind words.... they do keep me very encouraged!!

I must say I AM VERY proud of me and not 2nd guessing myself either BND! I have been better at not backing down and letting him have his way all the time. He does hear what I say and I need to keep doing this..... I will post more later on this topic. This part of my self that I had put away for good for so many years really needed to come back and I actually get out what I need to say and I stand my ground even if his feathers get ruffled!

~Cog, I think I AM finally ready to post to Michelle... I do feel strong enough now and I do feel like he is in this 100% now. With everything that he has , that he is... he was in it before but 100% on HIS terms alone and now it really feels like a partnership , he even told me the other day he respects me and loves me very much !!!!!!!! IT WAS A STATEMENT HE WAS NOT WAITING FOR ME TO SAY ANYTHING BACK!
YEAH ,, FINALLY!!!!
( *and for that I am super Happy actually!!!!
Because now the bumps arent so hard to manage.)

Will post more later.. Thank you all for stopping by to cheer me on and keep me going. ( OT, BEING ME , BND, COG AND CHERISHHER AND EVERYONE ELSE WHO READS AND KEEPS ME IN THEIR THOUGHTS ~)

It really does help to know I have support and friends who care.
Love and God bless, ~Ali.

[Delil@h]

Well a year to the day....
my H has just left and said it in front of the kids too. He is not coming back he is done. He was mad cause the water bill had not been paid I had asked him two weeks ago. And he says he told me I had to change and I did not take him seriously. my 10 yr old daughter said she wants to kill herself and she is hyprevantalating. Anyone have any advice for my kids and how to take their mind off this?

I am so upset but know I wil be ok. I love him but this is too much. he even told me hed slap me in front of my daughter if he had to cause I raised my voice to him. And he did not care if she watched. I actually did talk loudly but I was not rude, I was just making a statement. He was acussing me of lying and I do not lie....

Sorrry you all I did my best... this is why I was so afraid to say I made it cause he always seems to hang loving me and being my companion for life over my head... How sad really. I am beside myself but I am staying strong for my kids.....
I have to.......

God bless....