Last couple of nights have been hard for me. I have been writing this letter in my head the last few days. A self rightous, scathing type letter in which I let all my anger pour forth. And perhaps I should still write this letter, let all the vile poisen spew forth. Like an infected boil, lance it and let the poisen out so I can heal.........Sort of for a time reveal in my pain, really feel it, then let it go...
Of course to write a letter and to actually send it are 2 different things. I do not think I would send this letter unless I truly would like my situation to be forever and permantly resolved. Resolved in way that would not put my family back together. Of course to do something like this might be a sort of a beyond the last resort technique. I suppose it could be named the last chance technique?
I read on a different message board quite awhile back, and this does make sense to me. "At first the leaver will see nothing but the bad in the leavee. But in time the leaver will remember the good in the leavee." ...... "The reverse is true for the leavee. At first the leavee will remember all the good in the leaver, but in time the leaver will see the bad in the leavee"
I believe this role reversal thing is happening at least for me, as I am remembering alot of the bad that was done upon me. Of course remembering all of this is doing absolutely nothing for my PMA, or detaching. It is making me angry and sullen and depressed.
It is making me want to push things, and not in the right direction. It is making me want to go talk to a lawyer. But I just did get a reminder as I read a different thread......CVA said, "As the books say, in any scenario you will know that you took the high ground and gave it your all. You cant control what she does (nor should any of us) so why fight it." That is where I want to be. I want the moral high ground, I dont want to give up, yet. One of my goals is even if things dont change to give this a full year before I push.......
Tonight whilst I am at work I want to eliminate all of these negative thoughts and letter writing from my brain. Perhaps I will need to get all of this out on paper, (or some sort of format) to push on past it.
A funny thing did happen though as I woke up today. My first consious thought of the day was actually a positive thought of her vs a negative. I remembered how when I had to get up for work or whatever how she would come in to wake me up. She would come in bed and gently rub my shoulders until I woke up. It was a nice memory, made me a little sad too. But it felt nice to remember something good about her.........
