I had to post,, my H is sleeping and I am up , my kids are awake too. I had a good day overall. MY H did bring home the guy who is my ex GF "BF",, he still works for my H. He also brought the whole crew, we had a BBQ. I was very upset that he brought him . I let it go , but not before my H saw my face , he knew I was angry. I tried not to be but it took over me for a while. Other than that little glitch that I cannot control.
He is trying very hard to be better with me, he really is. It has taken me ten years to get him back to how he was when I fell in love with him. he still is a work in progress but I will let him keep trying for now. I feel like I have come full circle. Last year at this time I was walking on eggshells letting him have his space and letting him be the one to decide to love me. I was also setting boundaries but I was walking on eggshells too. Last year at this time he wasnt my H , he was but in so many ways he was just lost. I would look at him and actually feel sorry for him. When he talks about our life he actually just leaves out last year like he has amnesia. In a way that reminds me he was really lost. He doesnt act like he is avoiding talking @ it , he actually just doesnt seem to remember. I mostly just let it go , but sometimes I remind him and he is like "OOOOH YEAH?~"
But for the most part I keep my promise, I told him when I discovered the affair that if he chose not to D me and complete;y leave her and commit to me,, which he did. I would never mention it again and we would start from there. that I did not want our old Marriage I would give him a new and better one and a love that he would not be able to walk away from.
I think it scared him or I dunno a beter word for it,, I let him go wished him well and just prayed for a miracle.
I have my Miracle. I have my H . I have what I always wanted and now I am working on his bad personality trait of being mean to me. I know I cannot force him to change but it seems with me being stronger he is realizing what I reaLLY NEED TO SHINE.
I simply cannot live like this, I love him too much and myself to much to live in a M, where I am constantly being criticized.
I know he gets it now finally, but this change will not happen overnite. I am patiently waiting and I will. I must admnit there are times when I get resentful and think why do I have to ?
Why do I have to be so loving, why do I have to turn the other cheek, why do I have to keep waiting for my miracle, why do I have to suffer heartache,
Then I realize because I love him that is why plain and simple. an unconditional love that never waivers, a love that stand strong. I see now that I can love him like that and not have to accept the bad just cause I love him.
He has hurt me so much and last year was the ultimate betrayal.
He "found" her and thought this is the solution to my problem with my WIFE. MY Wife doesnt do this or this or this and he was infatuated with what he thought she was to him. It hurts me ocassionally still to think about what he did ,, sometimes I stil cry. I must admit, it is a pain that has no description. I cannot even pretend to describe it in words.
How sad for him really to live with the knowledge that he was going to give up the love of his life for a lie. A Woman who had no dignity , no soul , no heart. So desperate that he was willing to give up his children and me and sell his soul to the devil.
I have all those things he thought she could give him. Fun, excitement, lust, something new , and I also haev a soul and dignity and a huge heart. And I give it to himj ecxclusively b/c I am his Wife. Noone can replace the beauty that I have inside and give only to him. As much as it kills me sometimes, I kno whe was suffering too ans she did not replace me in his heart. he tried to pretend she did and he even had ne fooled. But he admitted he never stopped loving me , just my indifference was killing him. So he felt like he had to leave, leaving was the only out, even if it meant losing the love of his life.
and when I filled myself with strength and love for me he started to see who I really was, and although he was scared he took the first step and told me he loved me.
In four weeks it will be a year that we are Reconciled and I have had my personal disasters ( when he hurts me ) and he keeps falling flat on his face but I actually have faith in GOD and I really know in my heart he will one day be well. He was so beautiful with me today and he really is reaching out to me more. And opening up more, it is a start. No pushing , no forcing. just me standing up for what I believe. In my heart I know this can be so good,, and now that it seems he is more plugged in hopefully the sky is the limit.
It feel good when I have a day where it seems I am not focused on the fact that I really am still piecing and it just seems to flow, and he doesnt know but sometimes when he kisses me it feels so divine,, he chose me and he chose our love. Hopefully he will see who I am and that he could lose me if he does not grow. I will never stop loving him or give up but thanks to you all and your support , I know it is ok to stand up for me. And the best part is now he is ready, cause if he wasnt I would just be talking and he would be looking at me but not really listening.
Little by little step by step my M will get better. God bless...
I have a suggestion that you should toss aside if you want...
The dinner thing. THat's awesome that you make such gourmet dinners. Why not try an experiment. I know when I'm done working, I'm soooo hungry I don't care what I eat, I just want to eat NOW.
So, why not try doing something less special and more easy that is done and waiting for him when he gets home. Just experiment and see what happens.
Well I have been doing well, I have gone thru so many emotions. I know I can honestly say that I am feeling like this will be ok. We are close to a year reconciled and I seem to be rehashing a lot of stuff in my mind. I really have no reason for it, it just seems to be coming up in me. I think well last year at this time, last year at this time and again last year at this time. I am really rather tired of it. Maybe it is just a part of me letting go all the way ? I dunno? I do feel some sense of this is going to be ok and I need to relax and just breathe. I think when BND , said to me you are trying to hard it was like someone hit me upside the head, jogged my brain some.
Sure I still am making gourmet meals but guess what hubby has taken me out to eat so many times since my last post I have actually lost count.
He has also made a few threats of living up north in WI where he is working and I just called his bluff and said ok. Also the last time he said it I said later to him when I could tell he regretted it and wanted to "snuggle" and for me to "forget" about it. ME: "you know when you say you are leaving , if I did not care about you I could just laugh it off and just be like that is ok , yeah its fine! But the truth is ILY and it hurts when you say those things. It is quite unnecessary, and once again if I did not care about you it would be ok , but seeing as I love you , it is not ok!" H: Speechless...
Also on July 3rd my H finally covered his Tattoo...... Can I get an AMEN! But you know it didn't magically make it ALL GO AWAY. Like Cog once said the mental image would still /always be there. I am very Happy. I thought the day would never come.Just wanted to let everyone know the demons are still lurking around my heart. Now that her name is covered I feel relieved, but I see I still have work to do. Nothing happens overnite.
When he was getting the tattoo ...
It seemed like a dream....
The day after I could see her name raised up underneath it. It actually scared me like it was EVIL. SCARY.... I mentioned it nicely to hubby before we went to bed and he said
"HONEY, do not worry when it heals you will not see it." Amazing thing is H is seeming to be so much better now. For lack of a better term. He seems so much sweeter and more at ease. The sweetest thing he did the other day is walk up to me as he was walking by me and kiss me on my forehead, he has not done that in ages. I have also come to see that every time he makes love to me it is like he is screaming from the roof top I love THIS woman , I love her and her alone, I was thinking this morning,,, when he ML to me he puts in so much love that he is just filling me up with his feelings for me, that it is so much more than just the physical pleasure. I was ready to start crying.
I know this.. That he loves me very much. He makes my days brighter. And yes he has a long way to go but I can see he is heading towards the light instead of standing in the dark and keeping the same patterns going. He really is trying and at the same time it seems like he is just being and loving me better.
I have been very emotional lately and have realized , I need to stop trying so hard and just breathe.... I am real and he needs to see it and the most amazing part is he seems to like it. We have been talking so much lately and have been learning a lot more about one another. I am sure he did not cheat COG...
but when he leaves again, which he will soon for work . I will tell him he needs to respect me and himself in a way that works and he will understand. Thank you everyone , you are the best. A work in progress but I AM making progress no less...
~WL, you are a sweetheart. I actually took you up on your idea and have tried to do that every now and again and he is ok with it. Well sort of But he does like to eat like he is at a 5 star Restaurant more often than not. The other day I just wrapped some potatoes in foil, marinaded a chicken , started the grill and VOILA! That was dinner. God bless... ~Ali
~WL, You are very funny. BTW, lately all I wanna do is make myself a Bloody Mary ( vodka _tomato juice_ etc-etc) and that can be my dinner. I have been working my a** off giving too much to everyone and everybody and I feel like hey that is a good dinner. Well I am kidding of course but does sound good. HUH? I have had a few of those since he has been home. He is still drinking alot but with my new detachment and my new attitude he is at least nice and when he tries to be cruel, I do not allow it. It has been less and less that he does this. Just last nite he arrived drunk and was nice but was joking a little too strongly ,so I just gave it right back. We ended up having a pillow fight. God bless... ~Ali
I am feeling like this will get better but with a commitment of effort and discipline on my part. I have lately as they say put my cards on the table.... and you can tell it ruffles his feathers but he needs to hear it if he wants for us to muve forward and progress. Like last nite when I called him like he asked me too he was somewhat rude, while he was still on the cell I told him Hey you dont have to get mad. And this am I said you know honey that wasnt necessary last nite. ( He wasnt mean to me like usual but he was acting like what do you want? ) Not acceptable, especially b/c I do not speak to him this way.
He also had thrown his wallet on the floor when he arrived last nite and its contents ( lots of business cards ) fell on the floor and he had some number with a girls name on it.
He asked me if I did that when he got up ,,,kinda grumpy like.
I replied " actually no you must have done that when you got here..." He looked confused.
....yeah honey dear the *w*'s number you have there is not important to me... I thought to myself.....
And you know in all reality it is probably actually not a *W* at all but a homeowner but with his history it could have been a *W*.
Guess what I am FAAAAAAAAAAAAAAR above that~ BTDT.
I refuse to get sucked into that BS anymore... he wants to live there, I dont. End of story. If he ever gets too lost in it I will have to know what to do and I WILL not tolerate it anymore. I also do not have to get upset and ruin my day over his stupidity.
I am so very proud of myself .. I used to play the GAME and get so lost in my imagination and made all other things so important. NO~ I am important and so is my DIGNITY!
Like one of the very smart Ladies here told me cant remember if it was BND or Jen Jam,,, carry yourself in way that w/o words you will get your point across.... something like that.
You get the idea. I am so terrible at quoting. But it has stayed with me and I plan on keeping this up.
Sheesh in 3 years I will be 40 and I hope and pray he will get it by then,, can I spend the next 20 just happy and content? I am getting a lot of grey hair maybe he will notice and treat me even more like a LADY! LOL!
I really need to once again thank you all, you keep me on my toes and you make me laugh and you make me cry and best of all you keep me sane!
I guess I have had a lot of time to think and now I see that like he has said many times it has always been in my hands but I never took the riegns. The reigns are in my hands now .. just have to get the mind set to keep 'em there. It seems contradictory for me to be so very Lady like and wear the pants too. LMAO~ Long dark brown hair, red toe nails, lots of curves and carrying a WHIP? HHHHHHHHMMM?????? Yeah I am having too much fun joking around ALL ~ by myself. But this is a lot more FUN than being soooooooo upset and worrying about his every move, thought and deed. Much more fun indeed!!!!!!!!!!!!
I am listening to Lily Allen,, on my IPOD. My brother just put it on my Ipod last nite... never heard it before.....I like it!
She is F****ing hilarious.... I used to be sassy like that years ago. I dare say that when I act like that my H pays attention. Need to keep working on it. Maybe get a Tattoo too? just kidding about the Tattoo.
I am feeling good today and hope that I will feel this good for awhile.... cant really mess with a strong self confident happy Woman now can he? Need to keep that in the back of my mind. Need to keep working on me.... that is the KEY to everything! God bless...
I am sitting here and wondering where I need to look to find more strength. I have been feeling rather drained lately. I told my Aunt the symptoms and she says it is probably Pre~Menopausal. YIKES! I will be 37 in December , Funny I thought was to "young" for that. I have made a commitment to myself that this week I need to go to WEIGHT WATCHERS or something along those lines. I need a formal plan and support to do this. I have tried on my own and the scale has not budged and it is very important to me , to feel better. I dont want to look like Nicole Ritchie but I do want to look in the mirror and be pleased and feel better in my own skin,, I have cleaned up my diet a ton actually and my skin is really awesome,, I look good and now it is time to get serious just as serious and disciplined as I am about my R and my M. I lack discipline in this aspect and WHY?... I really do LOVE to eat. Yesterday I had 2.5 pieces of a Chocolate cake my SIL made,, it was sooooooooooo good. It was my Nephews Birthday Party. And I am rambling on about this because I need to talk it out and put it in black and white. It needs to be important to me , I need to be important enough to do this just for me. No I am not over the top out of shape but yeah I could lose 20 lbs ... so I need to get disciplined about this. I deserve to do this for me ,, not b/c my H wants a trophy wife ( well he says it in anger and then when he is not mad he says I am beautiful just the way I am ) but just b/c I want to feel good in my skin once in for all. Time to stop talking the talk and start walking the walk. Time for real change..... just for me.
Need to keep working on it. Maybe get a Tattoo too? just kidding about the Tattoo. 