When's it my turn?

[SDFoundGirl]

Hey Julie--thanks for the kudos!

Jen--Well....essentially, family gatherings when FIL and SIL are together have a general script. SIL and FIL don't listen to each other, aren't heard, and essentially apply pressure to each other to change. H joins in...he thinks his sis is inflexible, she thinks he's self-righteous and judgmental.

In the past, I'd jump into the conversation to try to "help," and I'd just end up feeling upset because no one listened to me. We'd be going home and I would just b!tch about H's family, how I couldn't stand them, didn't ever want to be with them, etc. etc.

This time, however...I sat back and watched with a nice glass of wine in hand. BIL and I cracked jokes about other things and talked about strategies to stay out of the mess (BIL has *always* avoided these land mines....). I *did* at one point look at H when he and his sis were talking about how each perceives the other and tell him excitedly, "You guys need to check in with each other!" That's a strategy our MC gave us...H laughed, and the tension was broken...and then SIL wanted to know what that strategy was. So, basically, that sitch got a lot lighter.

And then...well, my step-MIL started getting quietly pissy about things (she'd told all of us to go ahead and play cards and enjoy each other instead of helping her clean up. So...we did. And she was ticked that no one was helping and chewed my step-SIL out which resulted in tears and declarations to the rest of us that she was done with her mother, etc. etc. I told her that she couldn't own other people's feelings, that she had to know herself and know she couldn't change her mom. You can only own your own crazy, and if her mom was upset, that was mom's choice, she had to take responsibility for not speaking her needs. Also, that even if mom thought something about her daughter, that didn't make it true.

So yeah, it was at that point that BIL looked at me and told me I'd changed. Because in the past, I would have joined in the bashing of everyone because THEY were wrong, THEY were evil and crazy. This time I just sat back and let it go, and I had a blast. I played with all the kiddos and chose to have a good time while others engaged in the usual family script.

I like my way better!