Just checkin to see how you're doing. If you get a chance, please post and let us know! Hope all is well there.
-j. I hear ya on forgiveness! It is sooo hard to let things go and not feel negatively toward people that hurt us. I got a book "Forgive and Love Again" and read it over and over. Still, it was a mystery to me because I'd go through the process and then still be haunted by the feelings and anger. I've figured out a few things in the last couple of years that make it easier to forgive. I finally figured out that forgiveness is a thing I can do mostly for myself. I used to think that it let the person that wronged me off the hook, and it didn't seem fair! All of the anger I held onto was destroying me. It's not easy to explain.. but I had to get to a place where I'm unwilling to allow another person to control my emotions and self image and change me. I had to realize that I'll be OK no matter what another person is doing or throwing at me. I have a choice to make. My life is either about me and my values, or it's about other people and what they bring into it. My C gave me some great advice that has helped me to get to a place where I'm strong despite what others are doing. He said to love and nurture myself first. I had heard that many, many times and didn't exactly know what it meant. Sounded like a great concept, but I couldnt get there. He explained it like this: To love ourselves means creating a peaceful, nurturing environment in which to live. Taking care of our body, our mind and our spirit. He said I must constantly ask "Is this good for me? Is this nurturing? Is this loving?" I started doing that and things changed... it's been amazing. I get to now decide what's good for my life and do the things that nurture me without depending on someone else. It made me realize that I deserve the best and can say "no" to anything that doesn't feel good for me. I didn't have to justify or explain, or argue about things with H anymore. I could just say "I won't have that in my life because it's not good for me and you no longer get to decide what I need or what comes into my life." Forgiveness went hand in hand with loving myself and it was easier. It was OK if he decided to love someone else (almost!) because I KNOW I'm loveable and desirable.. and I'm treating myself like I am so I don't need him to affirm that for me.
I also figured out that forgiveness is sometimes gradual, depending on the hurt involved. I had to choose every day to forgive and not revisit the hurt. Every single day I had to give it up to God to take care of and put it far away from me. This meant I had to accept what happened and not try to hurt my H with the past. Every single day I had to make that decision until I was free of it.
Not sure if that makes sense and I know I'm rambling! Sorry IP for the hi-jack. Things have just changed so much since I made myself in charge of loving me and have started forgiving and not allowing others' actions to destroy my life or feelings about myself.
Hope all is well there.
