Thanks CK, I appreciate the reinforcement. I've always been a very analytical person, but this is ridiculous!
Going out with the boys tonight and plan on detaching and working on getting back to the core GD. Still staying sober, but I plan on holding a pool table all night and maybe do a little dancin' on the side!
I think the important thing to remember is that your W's affair only meets some of her EN. The divorce is totally seperate from her EN being meet. As you stated, this may go through, but eventually the excitement of the new thing will wear, and when there are issues becuase EN are not being meet, she will run. When she runs just be the rock that she can grab.
Couple of things to add to Atlas'. In reading your thread over again, I saw where W said she wanted a "clean slate" & nothing from the past, etc. In thinking of diff. ways to stall/stop D action, could you maybe add this into letting her know somehow (haven't thought of best way yet), that you completely agree w/ her wanting a clean slate & her wanting to let go of the past, & add that a D is always possible later. You both see things the same way now & agree that she needs space.
I can't quite get my mind wrapped around what I'm trying to say here. What did you tell her b/f about changing your mind on the D? Was the only time w/ the L conveying message, or was it you, in person?
Not right away, as you agreed, but maybe 2 wks b/f final date so you can keep DBing.
L&L, Sunny
On a side note regarding the DUI; I served on a jury 10 yrs ago where there was no test taken either. He was acquited. Of course, I don't know how yours will come out, but a good sign still the same.
My MIL, the best Irish mum, was killed by a drunk driver 4 yrs ago. She was hit by his truck as she came around the back of their car. So.... very happy that you're no longer drinking & the lesson wasn't as severe as the results of his bad choice was.
Atlas is right. No matter what happens, the novelty will wear off quickly and your W is going to be the one that suffers. GD, once you start letting go and having fun with friends, you'll have an easier time to detach. Both of us have something good going for us...kids. Our W's know that we will always be in their lives several times a week. They will wake up one day and realize how stupid they are being. My W did this last summer. She thanked me for hanging in there. It takes patience and grit to go through this mess.
OneWish's Story
"We can't solve problems by using the same kind of thinking we used when we created them."
GD If you come up with a way not to over analyze every word you hear and action you see let me know. But like everyone keeps saying, if it comes from one of these WASs, take it with a grain of salt. They really don't know what they're saying or what they want so you're better off putting all that thought into the pool table tonight. I liked the idea of getting back to the core GD, I'm going to have to work on that too. The reality is you already know all the advice you're getting here, it is just very reassuring to have other people confirm your thoughts and let you know you are not alone in this. Good luck.
Thanks, TZ, Atlas, sunny, O -- you guys are great!
I'll post sometime late tonight on the last few days (once W picks up the kids and I go see a friend tonight), and respond to you all. You are right though, TZ -- a lot of this I already know, but it seems so difficult when trying to apply it to one's own sitch (doesn't everyone agree?).
One question that I would like some quick advice on before W picks up the kids in 3 hrs:
Since W has been sick for the last 3 weeks, and has mentioned this to me a few times, I was considering getting a pink carnation and maybe a little card or Sympathy/Get Well card FROM THE KIDS that says something like "Sorry you're sick Mommy. Hope you're feeling better! Love S5 & D3". The just have the kids give it to her when she picks them up.
I feel like this might not be a good idea -- can't really tell. I've considered that maybe I should just get the carnation, or maybe just the card (or maybe nothing at all and just have the kids express their concern and sympathy for her when she picks them up -- opinions on this?)
When we showed up at her work on Mother's Day to tie a couple of "Happy Mother's Day" balloons to her car, she was coming out to go run an errand and saw us (talk about poor timing!). I thought to myself, "Dang, now I'll probably see some distancing from her." However, when I told her what we were about to do, she got really soft and was like "Ahhhhh! I can go back inside for a few minutes if you want." I just said "No that's okay. I'll take them to McDonald's for lunch and go ahead and do it when we're done. She said okay and that was that. The point I'm getting at is that she knew that this was my idea and still thought that the whole thing was sweet. I'm wondering if what I'm considering doing today would be regarded in the same way. I'm afraid that it won't simply because there isn't a holiday attached to it.
I don't think it will bomb in front of the kids, but it might in her mind -- I don't know (here I go over analyzing again. STOP IT GD!). However, if guru thinks it's good (AND NOT PURSUING?), then I think I'll go with it.
Like you said, what have I got to lose? I think I'll also takes sunny's advice to you and back off again completely afterwards.
Its a little pursing, but I think she'll like it (even if she doesn't admit it-and she probably won't). She can't honestly say you haven't given he space. And, again, the only wrong button is . . . . Well, you know. And you haven't been pushing this button.
Good luck. Looking forward to hearing how it goes immed and over the next week or so.
Nomo (not a guru)
M 39 W 39 M'd 10 yrs; T 14 yrs S7 D4 Bomb 5-8-05 W not working on M 1-22-07; EA 2-22 DB 4-10 S 6-11 No more C Link
I'm afraid that it won't simply because there isn't a holiday attached to it.
Do that and maybe buy her favorite candy and put it into a nice bag. What do you have to lose? Nothing. What is she going to do, say that she can't accept the candy? Just do it! She'll accept it and she'll appreciate it. I did this for my W when she was sick, I bought her some chocolate and she thanked me. She was happy. This could be part of her love language. Certainly, don't over-do-it. Every now and then a surprise is great. I need to do a surprise now that I think of it!
I am doing a 180 today. W asked me to drop off D3 around 6:30pm. I have plans to meet up with a friend and I am going to take her back a half hour early and leave immediately.
Any new thoughts on my sitch, fellas?
OneWish's Story
"We can't solve problems by using the same kind of thinking we used when we created them."
