Pretty Much Done

[built4speed]

Well, we had the final meeting Thursday to get all the parameters of the D decided. I was surprised to get to the end of a page of notes and have nothing left to talk about. W and both attys didn't have anything left either. So, it is done.

We both feel screwed so it is probably a fair deal. I've leaving W half of my house equity so she can stay in the house. She will pay me when she sells, with interest. I am paying all kids expenses plus $400 a month for "inflation". It's not the state mandated 32%, but the kids live with me half the time, so in theory there shouldn't be any payments to her, so it is very generous, in my opinioin. W just has to cover her own expenses with her salary, which is easily doable. She earns double the average family income for our state, just on her salary, before I pay anything. Private schooling is paid out of an account of stock we had. All other assets were split evenly.

I am sad and bummed. I didn't want my marriage to end. I was not given a choice. Stand? Sure, it would just screw up my life for another two years, and then it would happen anyway. She'd claim it was another "controlling" behavior. I give up.

Well, I didn't even get home before W was calling me screaming that the deal was unfair. We spent two entire meetings going over this and now she doesn't like it. I'm paying 100% of the kid expenses plus another $400 thrown on for "inflation", and 75% of the expense for both of our vacations, PLUS another $288 in two years to cover driving kids around, and that is not good enough. I could not talk to her about it at the car dealership (I was getting an oil change) so I hung up on her.

I came home and went for a run. When I got home, W called me in and wanted to talk to me. My running buddy headed for his house, and she is yelling at him down the block! I come in and she is all over me about how the deal is not fair. She wants to see the numbers. I get out my briefcase and pull out the sheet we were using at the meeting, and show her the details. Before I can even show her anything, she says the deal is off and she is calling her atty tomorrow. I say then if your mind is decided, there is no use to showing you the details. I back away and she smashes my thick folder of D paperwork all over the foyer, and then proceeds to empty the contents of the top of our foyer bureau (cameras, books, papers) all over the floor. I just back up and head away from her. She follows me yelling how and my kids will starve and I go back outside to get away from her and she follows me across the yard yelling my about how I am a terrible father, loud enough now so the neighbors can hear. I just keep walking away until she goes back in the house. I lay in the grass to stretch. After a few minutes she comes back out and I go in the house, and tell her I am not talking to her if she is just going to harangue me.

I go up the stairs, and I'm still covered in sweat because it was a hot run, and she is right on my tail, haranguing. I go in my bedroom, and one of the kids is on the bed watching TV. I close the door and lock it so I can get my shower in peace (she's been known to want to have an entire argument while I'm trying to escape in the shower). As I head towards the shower I hear this tremendous crash: she has broken the door down! I am in shock; I can hardly believe it. There are chunks of wood on the floor. S10 scoots out of the room like a scared animal. I hear later that S12 was crying uncontrollably saying he can't take this anymore. I don't know what she will do next. I grab the phone and tell her I think I need to call 911. I tell her that will probably mean a temporary restraining order, since it will be the second time she has been violently out of control. She starts begging me not to call and I don't know what to do. I'm scared that she will get out of control on one of the kids after I move since I won't be here to get beat on, but they will. I don't want to do this. I realize if I call, the entire divorce agreement will need to be scraped, and we'll be stuck in the morass for three more years. She points out she's never been violent towards the kids, a valid point. I wimp out and throw the phone on the bed and go get my shower. I ask her to go in the other room (since now I can't lock the door), but of course as soon as I am in the shower she is in the bathroom, trying to work the financials! I can't hear over the shower water. I tell her the deal is done and I'm finished negotiating.

I there might have been a time when I was willing to listen to her issues, but now that time has past. I have taken every kind of abuse in this divorce. I have had money stolen for over two years, and all the while she was asking me to do house improvements knowing full well she was going to file. I spent thousands on them, and put backbreaking labor into that electric light in the front yard, and I will get no use of them. I have been showered in glass and ice on my birthday in front of my kids, all for asking for the checkbook from my own account! She drained $4000 out of that account the next day (illustrating why I was asking for the checkbook in the first place, the irony completely lost, I'm sure). I have heard interminable complaints about me calling the police for that. That has been the only thing that kept her from more violence, until now. I've had stuff thrown at my head, had her kicking (hard) the back of my chair in my office, and then had her say she would lie if I told anyone she did it. I have supplied every number asked for, been completely transparent on all issues financial, and have continuously had my integrity questioned (I would call it slander). She treats spliting the assets in half like she's doing me a favor. She is sure I'm hiding money, sure I have some secret account, sure I am getting promotions and raises that I have not gotten (including being accused at the attys, right in the meeting, of having a promotion that I have not gotten - and neither lawyer even flinched - that's how used to the unfounded accusations we've all gotten). I've been accused of having a girlfriend, had her claim she had a boyfriend, had her claim she has another lawyer "waiting in the wings" to file traditionally, and had her stealing files off my computer. And Wednesday she questioned an email I got from an automated real estate service announcing new property available in my area. "Are you on Match.com?" was the question/conclusion, while I was helping her send pictures to her relatives. Most of the things I've been accused of doing, she actually was doing them!

So, I am officially done with this nonsense. I have negotiated in good faith, brought up issues and concerns to get them addressed, been sensitive to the kids needs, agreed to move out of my house, let her use my home equity to my detriment, put all assets forward, tried to understand the law and our options, gotten full agreement from her on the decisions we made, faithfully followed the collaborative agreement I signed, and basically been treated like garbage (at times) by her. Now the violence thing is happening again. I am not agreeing to more negotiations. I'm done. If this deal is not good enough, she will have to file, and with the crap she has pulled, she will get pummeled in court. In spite of the accusations, I have not been operating offensively. That passivity will not continue forward from here.

Do you blame me?