BIG TUNA still here

[big_tuna]

Hi jazz et al.....tuna update as follows: same interaction with WAXW as before talk/email often..usually about kids..especially s16 who doesnt want to spend time with her.....s8 had baseball playoff game this past sat...her parenets came and afterward she hugged me twice for 20-30 seconds at a time in front of everyone before we left...it was strange even for her..next day sunday(dad's day) she had the boys give me a beautiful large frame w/ pictures of me /boys over the years.....i cried....also gave them $25 to take me to b-fast..i even invited her...she declined...she also gave me a card with "have a special day....i love you!....WAW handwritten in it....i just dont get it....she's been hot and cold since as usual and the rollercoaster continues...just talked to her on phone a few minutes ago...she appeared to be crying..i asked her if everything ok and told her to call me if she needs anything.....these things always set me back in the end cause i always have to hope today is the day she finally realizes her colossal mistake.....even if someday she does...could i EVER really take her back????,,pls advise all my friends.....god bless you all...BIG TUNA

[JR2007]

Wow dude, I don't know if I could be as cool as you if my Ex demostrated those kinds of behaviors.

I know I'd take my W back even after D, but I'd be torn just like you are. I'd want to see some serious change on her part. It can't always be about the spouse who wants to save things. Both PARTNERS have to do something or it'll never work out.

I think if I were you, I'd at least be dating a little. Just to be fair to you, to see that you still got it (I'm sure you do ) and to show the exW you're not sitting there pining for her, you know? Well, I don't know but I'm guessing.

Have a good one, hope all works out the way you want!

[OldFool]

Hey BT...didn't realize you were still around.

I've got to throw my hat in with the others (Jazz, et. al.) that it's time for you to move on. It's been a year, you're divorced, she's made no real statement that what she did was a mistake or, if it was, that she has any intention of trying to correct it. Like one of the other posters pointed out (and quite correctly), it takes BOTH partners to make a relationship work. While one can make the way home easier or harder, at some point, they both have to want it.

You point out you've "been faking it for a year". I think you're right. I'd also bet your XW knows it. It's time to start living like the divorced person you are. Perhaps after you've each played the field a bit, you'll both come to realize the value in what you had. It's a rare occurrence...but it does happen in some cases. If it doesn't, you'll be in a better position to deal with it and establish a meaningful relationship with someone else.

I'm sorry your XW seems to be toying with you. I'm sending good thoughts and wishes your way.

[big_tuna]

old fool....ive said it before and ill say it again...you are no oldfool...your input ALWAYS appreciated and i have to say i agree with you again.....she is toying with me so bad.....one day she says ILY and the next is a distant colossal b****...its killing me to still love her and have hope that she will she will wake up and realize her mistake....her rollercoaster is even worse these days....for example on 7/4 she called me 14 times!..i counted ....then other days no calls or contact...when i look at her and talk to her its as if she is hollow inside....you are right..its been over 1 year and we are divorced so its time i really try to move on and act accordingly....in some ways i feel better each day but i always have this nagging question that continues to haunt me....WHY?...in the courthouse parking lot 79 days ago the day of the D we cried together for 30 minutes or more and she said "there are so many things i need to tell you"...i of course have stated then and since that i would love to hear them so while i try to move forward part of me is dying to know if she has any rational expanation for the meltdown that destroyed my family...maybe ill never know huh?....OF/Jazz/Catfan/sep4n/maris/ et al. im still here praying for you guys and i welcome your comments and input as i continue to try to move forward with my life...thank you all...BIG TUNA

[big_tuna]

hey wes...she seems reluctant to share them with me....maybe someday!
BT

[OldFool]

...she is toying with me so bad...

You make me think of something Ann Landers (the advice columnist) once wrote, "No one can take advantage of you unless you let them." Your XW can't "toy" with you unless you are willing to let her. It may be time to cut the ties (though only you know when that time is).

...its killing me to still love her and have hope that she will she will wake up and realize her mistake...

Many who pursue a course of action such as the one upon which your XW has chosen to embark do come to the realization it was a mistake. The problem is, this event usually occurs years later after they have gone through their own trials. I think the disconnect for you is that you believe this might happen in the next few days, weeks, or months when, in reality, it is likely to occur much further down the road.

I understand where you are and I went through it too. I firmly believe that my STBXW will come to this realization at some point as well, but I have recognized and accepted that it will not be anytime soon enough to save anything.

...for example on 7/4 she called me 14 times!

This is disturbing behavior. I never called my W 14 times in one day even when we were married and in your case, you're not! I can't think of a single person I know who would consider this normal, reasonable, or acceptable behavior by an ex-spouse (unless it involved the health or well-being of a child).

i always have this nagging question that continues to haunt me....WHY?

Welcome to the group. I'd bet most folks here have that same question and I bet just as many, regardless of how long they've been at it, still don't have a good answer. I think you just have to come to terms with not knowing. I don't know that my STBXW is self-aware enough to even be able to answer this for herself, let alone provide me with a reasonable explanation.

...she said "there are so many things i need to tell you"...

Yada...yada...yada. The WAS says a million things. The only things you can count on are the things they back up with action. Doesn't sound like she's expending much effort to share with you (and she clearly knows how to contact you...at least by phone ).

...part of me is dying to know if she has any rational expanation for the meltdown that destroyed my family...maybe ill never know huh?

I doubt it...and probably not.

I'm praying that you will find the strength and courage to turn your face toward a new horizon and strike out in search of a new and better life.

[big_tuna]

thanks.OF..you are right on the mark....it is torture(especially this far down the road ) for me to see her and hope for the epiphany soon....you are right its probably not coming soon....tonite i met her and S8 down by the river at a restaurant on the back deck for the fireworks...i sorta invited myself....wanted to see S8 and her too i suppose...but she hugs and kisses me like an old friend not like someone shes loved and shared the last 23 years with...because i still love her and still do not understand whats happened- these types of get togethers are pure unadulterated torture for me...as hard as it will be i must seek out those new horizons you allude to...after the fireworks she dropped me at my car and headed back to her apt. with S8 and i went out solo for a drink..im waiting for S16 to call me to pick him up from his summer job so i figured id ramble a little here while i wait.....OF ill re-read your response to my previous post as i value your take on things...thanks to all you guys...BT

jazz_ as far as i can see there is no one else at this point

[big_tuna]

hi all...BT checking in...as brooks and dunn say...its getting better all the time......had a fabulous weekend with my two boys @ the Cal Ripken induction in Cooperstown NY this weekend...it was awesome for me and 75 thousand fellow orioles fans...including my two sons..we had a blast!...blessings to all my friends here.....BT

[SallyM]

how very cool! haven't been to cooperstown in a couple of years, but always a good time, and induction must have been special (love camden, btw, the first year H and I were dating I took him there for his birthday...great time).

glad you are hangin in. thanks for all of your support on my threads, btw.