Well I have been doing well, I have gone thru so many emotions. I know I can honestly say that I am feeling like this will be ok. We are close to a year reconciled and I seem to be rehashing a lot of stuff in my mind. I really have no reason for it, it just seems to be coming up in me. I think well last year at this time, last year at this time and again last year at this time. I am really rather tired of it. Maybe it is just a part of me letting go all the way ? I dunno? I do feel some sense of this is going to be ok and I need to relax and just breathe. I think when BND , said to me you are trying to hard it was like someone hit me upside the head, jogged my brain some.
Sure I still am making gourmet meals but guess what hubby has taken me out to eat so many times since my last post I have actually lost count.
He has also made a few threats of living up north in WI where he is working and I just called his bluff and said ok. Also the last time he said it I said later to him when I could tell he regretted it and wanted to "snuggle" and for me to "forget" about it. ME: "you know when you say you are leaving , if I did not care about you I could just laugh it off and just be like that is ok , yeah its fine! But the truth is ILY and it hurts when you say those things. It is quite unnecessary, and once again if I did not care about you it would be ok , but seeing as I love you , it is not ok!" H: Speechless...
Also on July 3rd my H finally covered his Tattoo...... Can I get an AMEN! But you know it didn't magically make it ALL GO AWAY. Like Cog once said the mental image would still /always be there. I am very Happy. I thought the day would never come.Just wanted to let everyone know the demons are still lurking around my heart. Now that her name is covered I feel relieved, but I see I still have work to do. Nothing happens overnite.
When he was getting the tattoo ...
It seemed like a dream....
The day after I could see her name raised up underneath it. It actually scared me like it was EVIL. SCARY.... I mentioned it nicely to hubby before we went to bed and he said
"HONEY, do not worry when it heals you will not see it." Amazing thing is H is seeming to be so much better now. For lack of a better term. He seems so much sweeter and more at ease. The sweetest thing he did the other day is walk up to me as he was walking by me and kiss me on my forehead, he has not done that in ages. I have also come to see that every time he makes love to me it is like he is screaming from the roof top I love THIS woman , I love her and her alone, I was thinking this morning,,, when he ML to me he puts in so much love that he is just filling me up with his feelings for me, that it is so much more than just the physical pleasure. I was ready to start crying.
I know this.. That he loves me very much. He makes my days brighter. And yes he has a long way to go but I can see he is heading towards the light instead of standing in the dark and keeping the same patterns going. He really is trying and at the same time it seems like he is just being and loving me better.
I have been very emotional lately and have realized , I need to stop trying so hard and just breathe.... I am real and he needs to see it and the most amazing part is he seems to like it. We have been talking so much lately and have been learning a lot more about one another. I am sure he did not cheat COG...
but when he leaves again, which he will soon for work . I will tell him he needs to respect me and himself in a way that works and he will understand. Thank you everyone , you are the best. A work in progress but I AM making progress no less...
