Well my wife couldn't leave well enought alone, here we were on the last day of her 5 day visit, longest time we've gone with her here and not had any kind of emotional blowout. I did everything I could to let her have a nice time here with the kids, no pressure, no R talk, no nothing.
She calls me at work (while I'm on the toilet, she seems to have ESP for when I unzip my pants...) and starts with "how much money do we owe on the house" and I tell her, then "what monthly payments do we have besides the 2 cars" and I start to tell her "utilities, insurance, ..." and she interrupts me with "no those are just normal expenses, any other debts, do you have any other loans, is there a 2nd on the house, etc." and I tell her, ya there is the 2nd on the house from when we bought it, but it is paid off, I do have a business loan for work that is $30,000. She gets irritated, "why do you have a loan for $30k for work, you don't have to do that, why did you do that..." I stepped up a bit and let her know that she doesn't know what she is talking about, she has no idea what I didn't have to do or anything else about starting the business. She tells me that she doesn't want to get stuck with my debt and I tell her I'm not asking her to, she doesn't have to worry about it, I don't expect her to pay it. We talked a bit more, after I stuck up for myself when she tried to lay into me about the business loan she kind of calmed down and by the end of the conversation it seemed to end on a decent note.
Then on my way to my IC appt, she calls me again, tells me that she just talked to her brother and he told her that he was closing the office I work in. I told her that he had just mentioned yesterday for the first time about not renewing the lease and going month to month, that he is considering moving some of the people in the office to his office and closing this one to save money, but nothing had been decided and he changes his mind constantly so who knows what will happen. She wants to know if I told her brother about her Bahai "Year of Patience" and why was I talking to him about us. I told her that he'd asked if she was divorcing me or not and since I work for him he has an interest in if I'm moving, plus he worries about her and what is going on. I told her that I'd just answered the questions he'd asked, I didn't do telling him any of the intimate details of our lives and that she has no problem talking to her friends and sister about us so what is the difference? Now she wants to sell the house again, it is "too much work for me and I can rent a place". I told her that I dind't want to sell the house, it was better to get thru sorting our marriage out first, adding the stress of selling the house would just make it worse, she said it would be less stressful. Same old crap all over again, she is moving on, she needs someone else, can't even remember what all she said, but I finally said, "I have to go" and she wanted to know why, I told her "I've been standing outside my therapist's office for 30 mins now and I'm missing my appointment and I also have a call coming in from work and I need to find out why they're calling me." She said "ok, bye" in an upbeat voice.
I called work back, then went in for the last 15 mins of my IC appt. Talked about how the week had gone and then the 2 conversations I'd just had with my wife and by then the session was over. IC said we could continue on Tuesday at my next appt.
I considered just going to hang out at the sports bar and letting S15 take my wife to the airport and just not dealing with her, but decided that was a weak thing to do and something I'd do in the past, conflict avoidance. So I went straight home, sat in the truck for a few mins listening to the rest of a song and praying for some strength, guidance and wisdom. Got out of the truck as my wife was coming out to meet me. She said that she was taking S13 and S15 to get some food, did I want to go, I said no, just take them. Then she wanted to know if I'd called her brother about him closing the office. I said no, and explained to her what I knew about her brother's financial state and what he was considering. She said something about how she has never been able to feel any "consistency" from me about work. She was very tired and that I didn't know how tired she was and she can't take anything or she'll just kill herself. I told her that I've done everything I can to not put any pressure on her, to give her some time and space to heal. She said that she can't just leave everything in limbo, it isn't fair to me, I need to be able to get on with my life. I told her that was up to me, I'm not telling her that she has to make a decision today, that I need to get on with my life, she said it was her that needed to get on with her life. I went into the house to change into my work around the house clothes. She came in a few mins later, said the kids want me to go with them, then she started in with "why can't I see that our marriage is over" and "the sex is gone and with out sex you don't have a marriage" which is strange coming from her since all she ever tells me is that "I think sex is the answer to everything, why do I think sex is so important" and here she is trying to tell me the exact thing she usually complains to me about. She tells me that she hasn't wanted to have sex with me in years and if I couldn't see that then I was stupid. I told her to go take the kids, I don't want to go, she asked "is it because you don't want to be with me" and I told her that "I don't want to be upset" as I tried to hold myself together and keep the tears from flowing.
She left with the kids, I went into the shop to work on my Camaro and listen to a CD that arrived today from Rejoice Minitries called "Restoration of Your Marriage - Part 2" while sweat poured off me since it is 106 degree outside and the shop was at least that hot. It was a good message on the CD and I was able to gather some strength back and after getting a bit done on the car, I headed in to the house, figured hiding in the shop wasn't the best thing to do, more of my old conflict avoidance behavior. So I went into the house and sat reading a magazine and watching TV. My wife came in and sat down, she'd come back from feeding the kids while I was in the shop and now she'd been packing her stuff up. She told me that she would pay for a housekeeper to clean the house and the boys would pull weeds outside. She had a much better attitude and some concern and caring in her voice instead of the snotty way she'd been acting all week. I told her that I could take care of the house and she said that I was busy and it would be better to get a housekeeper, the place is dusty and it will be easier on me. Now this was a big change from her wanting to sell the house a couple hours earlier. She started talking about some other stuff and I couldn't look at her, between the tight shirt she was wearing and how I was feeling, I just wanted to look anywhere but in her direction. She got up to go pack and asked what time her flight was and when she needed to leave. I laid down on the couch and watched a bit of TV and closed my eyes to rest. A bit later my wife came in and wanted to know if I was sick and should she have S15 take her to the airport and I told her no, I'd take her.
I went out to the truck and started it and got the A/C going, waited for her to haul her suitcase out and load it up herself in the truck. On the drive to the airport she started with more R talk, how I couldn't give her what she needed, she was at a cross road in her life, didn't want to hurt me, didn't hate me. We talked about 30 mins, sitting in front of the airport at the end, I told her that I believe that God can heal her heart and our marriage, if she has any faith in God doesn't see believe He can do that. She doesn't know, she is tired, emotional can't deal with anything, isn't the same person she was, she'd had a nervous breakdown and I wasn't able to deal with it and had my own, neither of us was there for the other. Why wasn't I so committed to our marriage years ago when she needed me to help her get things do and get out of bed and help her. I told her that I can't do anything about that, I'm sorry, but I can't make up for it either, but I've already addressed that and I get my ass out of bed and I get everything done. She knows I've changed and I'm trying to still change, but it is too late, I broke her heart and now she is sorry that she is breaking mine. She needs to go out and find something else. I told her that I'm not the problem, her job, her friends aren't the solution, the problem is inside her, changing her husband isn't going to fix the problem. She talked about how she is severely depressed and has been for years, but she uses work to combat it and she has to work, also she said I was depressed too and that I just bring her down more, she needs someone that is depressed to "bring her up" and that isn't me. I told her that is true, I have been depressed and I'm not nearly as depressed as I was and I'm working on it, she said that is good, I need that for myself. I told her that I might have contributed to her problems, the same with D23, but we weren't the problems. I told her that I didn't want to go back to our old marriage anymore than she did, I want to build a new one brick by brick using everything we've learned about ourselves and each other. She said she wasn't going to anymore counseling, I could go if I want, but she know she is the only one that can fix what is wrong inside, I told her that is true, therapists can give you a magic solution, but they can help you fix yourself. I also said that she needs to get rid of the pain and resentment from the past, but she doesn't need to get rid of me to do that, she said maybe she does...
I finally had heard enough, had said my peace, hopefully I put some ideas in her head that maybe God can help her heal, but I'd remained fairly steady without too much emotion in my voice or tears, she was calm and open and honest and it was a good talk. I said "ok, well have a good flight" and she said she would, then she said that she'd been feeling for a year now that she doesn't want to be married, she doesn't want to give me any "false hope", she'd give it until the end of the year." She got out, struggled a bit to get her suitcase out, said "ok, bye" and I said "bye" and after she took a couple steps I left.
I feel at peace with myself about what I said and how I handled myself, I didn't say anything I regret. I don't know where she is headed in her head, but I'm doing good. Sent her a txt msg on the way home that said "Thanks 4 talking. I'm here 4 you however u need. I pray that u can heal enough 2 open your heart again & that u will allow me the chance 2 luv u before u go elsewhere" and she replied with "Thanks." Later she sent me "I am back" when she landed and I told her "K. Have a safe drive home. Thanks 4 all your help while u where here."
I keep thinking of things I forgot, but then forgot them before I could add them in... Oh well, too long a post already.
