Living with my WAW 3

[C_K]

SD

I think that your GAL activities should be for you so doing what you enjoy is the right thing. I think its more about you not sitting around at home falling apart.
As for the mystery thing that can be a bit more supple. Yesterday after helping W move , I had a few hours by myself so I went home had a shower and put on some tidy clothes , shaved , aftershave etc then made myself dinner . When I went up to pick up D it looked like I had been out .


Dave

[SuperDad]

Thanks guys,
C_K, we are still living in the same house, so I have to be a bit more creative! The real problem is my lack of desire to spend effort on this area. I really have a great life that most of the world would trade for in a second. Except that my WAW is acting like the teenage daughter I never had!

Nomo, you're right about the beers around the world idea though. There are some people at work who I can go out with and watch some sporting events, etc. Just need to make a bit more effort!

Thanks for checking in CVA. As you can see, I am home tonight, maybe tomorrow I will GAL and do something fun!

SD

[SuperDad]

Journaling:
Just booked a room on the beach for our mini-vacation on the way out to visit friends and family in TX. Talked to wife yesterday a bit and today at more length about vacation plans. The difference was amazing. Maybe some of the way I handled it, but yesterday when her friend was over and they had been drinking wine together, she was in a totally pissy mood about everything I said. Today was much more upbeat.

She definitely wants/expects me to take the lead on just about everything. So I did, I booked the hotel without any consultation. Also taking care of the logistics of most stuff.

I think this applies to just about everything in our lives. She will be happier if I take charge!? I have been thinking about taking over finances and just giving her a set budget to deal with her stuff. This has potential for great conflict, but if at the same time I give a carrot like having things done around the house that I have put off for years, maybe she will find it a good thing?

One other thing happened today. Her car died when she was out alone. She called me, I came to her "rescue", figured out that it was the starter, got the car towed to the garage, and then let her take my car for the day. She was very appreciative and made a joke that she would make German food for dinner as my "reward". (It was already on the menu.) I think this is a double edged sword as I was her "rescuer" in this case, but she only needed to be rescued because she has an old car, which I would have already replaced if it weren't for the sitch.

At some point, I am just going to have to put down an ultimatum, but for now I am sticking with the Do Nothing strategy where our R is concerned and focusing on living my life as best I can.

As usual insight is welcome/appreciated!

SD

[C_K]

SD

For what its worth , stick with the do nothing strategy , let W make the moves for now.
The DBing basiscs are reasonably easy and I think you can probably DB in your sleep by now.
Focus on yourself and the kids. A physical seperation has some stuff going for it but I couldnt recommend it if you dont need to if only for your kids sake. I know you are following my sitch so at least you can watch me make all the mistakes LOL!

Dave

[SuperDad]

Dave,
I will share my mistakes here as well, so we all can learn together!

I just got back from the beach with S8. Both the boys were going to go with me, but S6 was in a sour mood and so I said to him "Your mom is going shopping, you can stay with her if you like. No one is saying you have to go to the beach!"

He opted to stay with her. This is important because one of W's complaints was that I always force them to do things with me that they don't want to do. Therefore, one of my goals is to just state what I am doing and let anyone who wants to join do so!

In the end, S8 and I had a great time. We went to a great county park(Ponce Inlet)where you can fish on one side of the jetty and there is an incredible sugar white sand beach on the other. Didn't catch a darned thing, but had a great time. Waves were small enough for S8 to really have fun on the boogie board. Can't wait til he is ready to surf!

Well, gotta get some dinner and then watch the Copa America quarterfinals with the guys!

Take care folks, SD

[C_K]

Excellent interaction with the boys, keep showing those changes.

Remember give your W plenty of space. This is quite difficult when you are together but do it as best as you can.

Dave

[SuperDad]

Journaling:
Today was an interesting one. W went for a long walk this morning. I did chores while she was gone. We ate lunch separately as she and the kids ate while I was still working. She then decided to take a nap and I ran errands (incl. buying some new clothes and shoes and getting a haircut).

When I got back, I approached her about her plans for the trip to Texas. Esp. regarding when the kids will stay with my parents and whether she has any concrete dates that she needs to be in specific places. She still did not, but was leary of us all spending too much time together in Austin. My ASSumption is that she wants to have more time with OM, but who knows.

Really at this point I am ready for her to move on. I decided to use this opportunity to discuss along these lines. I asked her if she had made any plans for the future. She got defensive and said:

W: "You mean like a job? I have a job, I'm a mom."
SD: That's not a full time job anymore and anyway, your "job" was also to be my wife and you retired from that job. You need to make a plan for how you are going to take care of yourself in the future.
W: You can't force me to get a job.
SD: You are right, but you can't force me to continue to live like this either. I have been very patient with the sitch because I need you to be happy in the long run with your path in life so you can be the mom that our kids need. However, I am not willing to live like this forever. I would like you to start thinking about what you want to do and how you think that things can move forward. This inherently involves you being able to support yourself as I am not willing to sacrifice my happiness so that you can live the life that you want. You cannot say that you want to pursue other relationships, to the exclusion of our relationship, and then expect me to support you!

She said that she had a job in Austin but that she turned it down, because... I sort of cut her off at this point and said "So you think that I manipulated the sitch to force you to stay?" (I then appologized for cutting her off and asked whether I was putting words in her mouth?)

This was followed by a LONG silence on her part.

I said that this was not my intent and I thought that you were for sure leaving! You turning down the job and staying in FL was the biggest surprise I have had in my life! I am so grateful to be with the kids, but still, I thought that this was good that you had a plan. Now, I feel that we are back to ground zero.

Again, LONG silence on her part.

She made some points like she does not want to be "dependent" upon someone else for her happiness and that she is not looking for a "relationship" like I want (meaning a lifelong one). She also pointed out that "lots" of people, including ones we know, live together long after the marriage is dead. This was preceded by my defining our current relationship as "not married anymore". I again said that I want to live life to its fullest and not compromise my opportunities to experience everything that life has to offer. Including a complete R where all aspects of life are shared. I reflected that we had never really had this. I did not in any way intimate that I was expecting/looking for this with her. Nor did I repeat my past statements that I am still willing to work on our R.

At the end of the convo., I sat reflecting on the couch for a bit. Then I asked her if she noticed my haircut. She claimed that she couldn't even tell I got it cut! I have to point out here that she cut my hair for 15 years and that I got it cut substantially differently this time than ever before. I am sure that this is in line with her "not noticing" the changes that I have made in my life. She has refused to directly acknowledge any physical or behavioral change on my part, only focusing on the times when I have difficulties, esp. with the kids.

At this point, I am going to move forward assuming that our R will never be reopened and that I should just lookout for my best interests and for those of the kids. The main problem with this is that she is still financially dependent upon me and she is not showing any desire to support herself. Right now she still has complete control over our finances and I am again paying for her vacation, including trips to see OM.

Nevertheless, I will let this to happen and will pay for it. If only to show her that I have reached a level of detachment that let's this happen. I know that this will not directly bring her to work on our R, but I also know that she is questioning a lot of things right now and that my using finances to control the sitch will only "prove" her belief that I somehow am a master of manipulating her (in fact, I am totally incompetent at this!).

After the convo (about 30 min), I went to neighbor's to watch the Copa America quarterfinals (Argentina was fantastic by the way). When I got home everyone was asleep (8:45 pm) Yup, she is really a wild MLCer!

Sorry for the long post, but I really wanted to get this one down for future reference.

SD

[C_K]

SD

What part of the DB or DR book did you get that from??

You have to be patient ! It wasnt that long ago she was leaving for TX and taking the Kids.
The best thing is setting the boundary that you will not finance trips for her to see OM. If he wants to see her then he should send her the $$

OK now its not too bad but shes heard you so do not bring up any R talk again .

Back to looking after you and the Kids . Remember I was lucky in that W left the Kids with me and leaving was her decision entirely.

Dave

[SuperDad]

Dave,
This is more from Deida's philosophy. In fact, it is not too far removed from the boundary setting of DB! She needs to know that there is a time-boundary, even if it is not completely fixed yet. She has time right now to pursue whatever she wants in terms of developing a career, training, etc. At some point, this time will be up and her options will be more limited!

I still am mostly in the 'Do Nothing" mode, but view this as a bit of a 180 in terms of directly addressing the issue of her complete dependence upon me while simulataineously rejecting her role as my wife, stating that she wants to pursue other men, and doing that as well.

Get out your 2x4 if you think I am full of it, but I view this as an experiment and will monitor the results from this interaction, just like any other one!

SD

[SuperDad]

Journaling:
Worked out this a.m. and W went for a bike ride while I was getting ready for work. Only light, topical conversation. I did some chores in the a.m., mostly getting the pool back into shape (damned mustard algae). Trying to get everything ready for the upcoming vacation/work trip.

After work, I again did a few chores and helped W get some things ready for dinner. Kids are having a friend sleepover and we all went swimming. S6 ended up having a meltdown (not enough sleep last night) so I got out with him and tried to calm him down. I was on my (our) bed trying to cheer him up, with a bit of sucess. Tried to get W to join us, but she instead invited S6 to go watch cartoons with her. After a few minutes, I joined them and he quickly cheered up and then decided to go back out with the others.

This left W and I together in the living room. We had some light conversation, joked a bit, etc. After a few minutes, I excused myself to go practice violin.

When she called me for dinner, we were getting drinks from the fridge and I decided to do another bit of an experiment, I rubbed my foot on her calf and commented that she was looking really toned from all of the working out. She did not have a negative reaction at all and just made a comment about how she was hoping to build more tone, etc. I did not say anything else and sat down for dinner. This was definitely a 180 from the past 4 months of no affection at all shown to W (no hugs, ILY, or anything other than "have a nice day" when leaving for work).

Based on this, I am thinking that doing more 180s mixed in with my Do Nothing strategy could be a good thing. Just being an open, unwaivering, fearless, loving soul in the face of her closed, confused, scared, and, yes, loveless MLC self seems to be enough for now. Part of that is not being afraid to throw in some subtle flirting, staring her in the eyes unblinking while she talks, etc.

I know she feels no love for me right now, but as Dave has pointed out, I have many chances to influence this since we are still together. Yesterday's conversation at least showed her that I have no animosity towards her and plan on living life without her and being happy in that life. Who knows, maybe she will start asking herself whether that might not be a bad life to share???

For now, just Smiling and Waving!

SD