Frustrated and Saddened

[limbo]

((((Stewart))))

I so feel for you and I know exactly how you feel, although I thought I was losing it because I was struggling so much, but the C assured me that these emotions are normal and I had every right to feel them.
I know for me this is the hardest thing I have ever had to deal with in my life! So you are not alone!
Although I do have to say one thing, and that is your marriage will never be the same as it was, and would you want it to be? We have a opportunity to make it better, and that is what I am hoping for!
At this point you can't push her to do anything, she is like a deer in the headlights and doesn't know which way to run, so you need to stop, be quiet, and eventually she will figure it out.
If you go to fast it will probably cause her to make the wrong choice.
Its all a waiting game, and its the worst! To be kept in limbo, when you like as you know it could be blown apart.
IC for you will help, just try and stay strong and focus on you, and all the good things they tell you to do here!

[stewart10]

Limbo:

Thanks for the support. I do believe that it is the hardest thing I ever had to deal with. I know that I don't really have much control in this situation. I just want to help her so bad.

When your H was going through his depression, did he think everything was your fault? Did he think that he had to get out of the relationship to be happy? I am just trying to figure out if it is in fact depression, or if she really is unhappy because of our relationship. Honestly, I think she is placing way too much emphasis on the relatively minor things that she has complained about. There was no abuse/addiction/adultery, yet she acts as if I committed the greatest sin of all time.

I think it probably is depression, because she raised these concerns about our relationship, I adjusted my behavior and she is still not feeling any better about it. She said it was weird because I had been giving her space but she still felt suffocated. I think that is probably is a result of the depression, since the things that she thought she didn't like about our relationship have been addressed and she is not feeling any better. I know that this process is going to take time, I just want her to get the help that she needs.

Was there anything that seemed to work particularly well that you did when your H was going through this? What didn't work well? Thank you for your advice.

[Not Much Left]

Stew
Has she seen a doctor? Would she? I know depression, some people dont know but I can tell you it is fixable.

My suggestion, and take it for what its worth, very gently and at the right moment, I would mention seeing a doctor about it to at least see what they say. "I am concerned about you, my thought would be to...I would hope you would do that for me if you saw me in a state that just wasnt the vibrant person I used to know etc, something like that that is caring but not pushy.

Again, take it for what its worth.

CVA

[limbo]

CVA makes a good point about the doctor, say you are concerned about the weight lose, sleep as well. And hope that when she goes to see the dr she is honest with them.
My H blamed me for everything to begin with, he even twisted things when talking to friends and family to try and justify himself.
He would tell people that I was constantly going on about his affair and wouldn't drop it, when he first told me that was the case as I wanted to get it straight in my head, however when he was in the worst of the depression I never brought it up, he told his family that we had agreed on separation when we hadn't, plus there had been many other lies, but yes they are trying to make things work in there head, and right now the only way they can is to make it our fault.
The illness is what is controlling the mind and so they are just not in there right minds.
This is why I hung on, because this person I was dealing with wasn't the man I married, and I knew he was in there somewhere, so I didn't want to write off the marriage while he wasn't himself, I wanted to see what happened when he was more like himself.
As for what works best, patience and space, that really all I can say, my H also did everything he could to drive me away, and I wasn't going! He was really mean and horrible(which he has never been) But I just let him be, and when he did see that light again he told me he was trying to get me to make him leave because he thought he deserved it, but he also said that he wouldn't have come through it with out me!
You just have to do what you think is right at the time, but the principles here really did help, it kept me calm and focused, as I am usually a pretty hot headed person, and I am not really now.
I hope this is helping!

[stewart10]

Well I think our conversation on Wednesday really helped our situation. She just called me to complain about her mother. It has been a really long time since she has talked to me about this kind of thing. I hope it is a sign that she is opening up a bit to me and I just think it is good that she is opening up at least a little bit.

I also wonder if my not calling her Wednesday night to tell her I wasn't coming home kind of got to her and made her realize what it would be like if I wasn't around for her. I think she had to think about what I was doing and it may have made her take a step back.

[limbo]

It could have, I think sometimes they almost need a kick to wake them up out of there fog!
Take a deep breath and just take it one day at a time!

[stewart10]

I don't know what to think. The roller coaster ride continues. Today she called me when she left for work. Before she hung up she tells me I love you so much. Now, I don't know if it was because she was overtired or what, but it is the first time in over two weeks that she told me that. It is one of my goals to have her say that, so I am feeling pretty good. Probably will be a step back tonight and tomorrow so I am preparing for it.

I just hope she comes home tonight.

[stewart10]

Well she did come home Friday night. Yesterday went to baseball game. Although she did tell me that she was going shopping today with female friend from work. Oh and she also told me that she opened up an account in her own name. Does not sound like a promising action. She had talked about doing that since we got married, just so she had some money of her own, but never did it. Well, I guess she decided that she needed to open one now. That makes me a little nervous. What is your take on it? The only thing that makes this better is she told me about it. Although I would have found out anyway, since she took money out of the joint account to start it.

Well, when she goes shopping today, I am going to go to baseball game with a friend. Try and forget for awhile.

[Matt-14]

Stewart10,
The "I love you so much" comment does sound promising. I'm sure there are a lot of people that wouldn't mine hearing that - me included. Give her time and SPACE and remain positive and supportive. I think being a little mysterious is good. I think it gives them a little jolt that we may not put up with this forever. Just don't do it too often(like not coming home). The your just gonna pess her off.
I wouldn't put much thought into the account, and wouldn't even bring it up.
Stay positive, I know it's a hard thing to do.
Matt

[Not Much Left]

Stew
Yep, conflicting signals as usual but I think the ILY definitely outweighs the bank account. I know lots of couples that separate accounts have saved their marriage!

CVA