Should I file for legal seperation in California?

[mkultra]

No, I am not bailing on DBing and of course I do not want to discuss divorce at all, but I do not feel like getting legal advice yet so I am asking fellow DBers who seem to be the only people to understand. I have three friends/ relatives who all waited for their husbands to come back and didn't. Their husbands all claimed they wanted nothing then changed after lawyers got involved. Apparently, people say that when they want a smoother transistion. I dunno. They tell me to file for a legal seperation just to protect myself in case there is a divorce later and if he files first. I hate even asking this but I own a home that my mother helped me buy. I live in California and my home has almost tripled in value. Because of his bad credit it is all in my name. Also, our tenth anniversary just passed last week! We are both pretty broke except for the house and my retirement and my kids' college money. My H is the least greedy person I know, but I know Divorce changes people. It makes enemies of friends. I keep thinking about Under a Tuscan Sun nightmare and how she lost her family home! Is there a ay I can file without him knowing? Will filing show him this is serious and that he needs to consider the seperation as a legal matter not just as some vacation from reality? Aaaarrrgghhh! I wish I could wake up from this nightmare.

[PMA_Baby!]

m - I hear u and feel your pain. My family has been telling me to file for sep as well to protect myself. I keep telling them that I am not going to file unless she starts making some desperate moves that could threaten me and our daughter. Use it as a last resort and like you just told me give it time.

BM

[sadhearted]

I wish I had some advice for you. I will say hang in there, give it time. No one knows for sure what the future holds. I have to keep telling myself this all the time.

Like you I wish I could wake up too.

[MyWifeHasGoneCra]

I have decided to file for legal separation after being separated for 9 months now.

It really is your call. The reasons I decided to go ahead and file legally are -

1. She told me last week she wants to file our taxes separately. This presents a problem to me because I have no court order for the money I've been giving her every month and can't deduct it from my income; likewise, she doesn't have to include it in her income.

2. It's been nine months. She's been with OM for 1.5 years now.

3. In my state if she gets pregnant by OM and has the baby while we're still married, it's legally my child. Of course, that could probably be remedied but not without more lawyers fees and it's assuming he'd want responsibility for his child.

4. She says she doesn't want a divorce and needs time to think but her actions tell me otherwise. If she's already planning on filing taxes separately, that's another 6 months + away. She's already told a friend of hers that she is bringing her "boyfriend" to a wedding in October. It doesn't seem like she's thinking about reconciling very seriously.

There are other reasons, but I think you get the point. Any lawyer will give you a free consultation and if you choose not to retain them there is no record of it anywhere; your husband doesn't need to know. Of course, most likely any lawyer is going to say you should file legal separation papers. You'll have to try to ignore that and just ask them questions on the pros and cons of doing so. There's no need to be in a rush, but you should get yourself as informed as possible. I know some of the laws I've found out about seem patently ridiculous and I can't believe they were ever passed.

[Dom R]

If you want "protection" without filing anything yet... all you have to do in california, is basically live separately.

Then if anything major comes up, you file legal separation, andyou can retroactively state that the "separation date" is the time that you started living separately.

Any debts that he incurred after that date, that you dont put your name on... are then solely his.

however, IANAL (I Am Not A Lawyer)

[Tamashii]

I do not feel like getting legal advice yet

This is what you need to do. Don't listen to friends or family.
This is your marriage and your problem. Did these three people DB? Did they stand for their mariages? You aren't simply 'waiting' for your H to come home. Hopefully you are employing tried and true techniques that have proven to help restore marriages. Friends and family mean well and they love you, but their advice is usually bad and will lead you to divorce. I told my family to support me or butt out.
You're in a community property state and there is a formula the state uses to figure who gets what, based upon ability to earn, etc. Him filing first makes no difference. If he wants the D make him do it. You can file for legal separation, but when the D happens, you start from scratch. The process starts again. Do you want to basically do it twice? Also, filing may get his testosterone up and make him do something he might not normally do.

David

[mkultra]

Thank you. You folks are truly helpful. I need to remind myself each morning why I am trying to do this. I want to represent myself as the person who gave everything to keep my family intact and save my marriage. I have no true idea why my H wants a divorce, only some clues and rumours. I have avoided any further Divorce talk and hopefully that will make a difference. I tried to stall the seperation progress if at all possible. He still has his shoes, some bills and tools here. That is some hope, maybe not a lot. Believe me, I check the closet every night to see what is missing. Is that bad? Snooping? I dunno. OK, so I have decided to avoid the lawyer talk and just peak at Nolo if necessary. I have three pit bull lawyers in my family and I do not want them to get wind of my situation. They would tear him apart.

[789]

Your doing well in that thinking MK. Sounds like your ready so no since in pushing anything.
But it must be nice to have lawyers in the family as a backup.
keep up the PMA

Good Luck.

[mkultra]

Ummm, I completely misspelled Separation . duh.

[mkultra]

Gosh, another friend at lunch told me to file for legal separation just as her mom did to protect her custody. I gave her the speech that I wanted support to do all I can to save my marriage. She replied that she loves both me and my H and did not want to take sides but that my H was no longer the man I married. That he was a changed, cruel man who was probably using drugs again. He used before we got married. She said that I should listen to my mom's advice in that he has already started to see other people. It is like a constant blow to my ego. All these messages that I am weak by standing by my man when he could not care less about me or my feelings. Plus, I was in a rush to get home before he got mad. He works nights and gets very grumpy with the kids at a certain time. If I am late he gives me dirty looks and slams the door. My friends said I should never be in fear of a husband. They said they had never seen me frightened before. He is not physically intimidating, just really cranky. He actually weighs 25 lbs. less than me! I told them it was like constantly walking on eggshells.