I think I'll set that nice bottle of Opus one up on the counter and tell her I plan on drinking it to celebrate losing my virginity and I plan on drinking it soon.
I couldn't help but laugh at that comment Xue. It reminded me of our ST, after I had told him how long I'd gone without sex. He said "you're almost a virgin in today's world" - funny but not so funny in reality
Heywyre
M - 57 H - 65 1st A-bomb - Nov 27/02 2nd A-bomb - Dec 13/06 together 21 years *************************** Insanity is doing something over and over and expecting different results (Albert Einstein)
first you have the most amazing staying power of anyone I have ever met in my whole life second - what a pity you are married or I would come over there and snatch you up - but then again it might not be such a good idea I think you and I would knock heads too much ok I will settle for you being one of my very bestest friends in the world
what am I doing I hear you ask oh well lots still getting to be an extreme 4WDer specialist applying to be reclassifed at work as a specialist partying with friends getting together with people I lost contact with
wondering still why the ex rings every now and again out of the blue but very much over the whole thing
looking for a tall dark and handsome with a good job his own car and his own house cos he ain't living in mine (still a chicken about the whole commitment thing) whoops funny thing for a psych to say
I am very busy lots to do and places to go
am glad I found you
and even gladder that you are still the same old indepth thinking - believing in the good - supportive Xue that I know and love
you put it out there (I'm putting it out in the universe for you) the icing on the cake - the thing that lets Xue know he made it through the other side sex with his wife - and his wife throwing out that damn couch that I have grown to love and hate (though I have never seen it)
you know what its like by the time I get back on here there will be lots of posts and I shall have to catch up on all your news it will be good news I am sure
always thinking of you even though I am not posting you are in my thoughts and my heart for ever
Xuesheng, (nice name btw) I read thru this thread and then thru the most current threads I could find links too. My thoughts are not completely gelled yet, but I wanted to throw some thoughts and mental images out at you.
This is what jumps out at me. Your W's usage of and calling you alpha along with her sending you off to do battle, along with this comment by you "I don't want him but I'll be DAMNED if anyone else gets him either!"
depending on the sitch, when a woman calls me alpha, Ill either pretend to hump her leg, or yip and pant like a pomeranian. Nothing like being reduced to animal breeding referances to make you feel loved. [snort]
My first thought is... what is she reading, what light or perception does she see you in or want to see you in. Does she really want what she thinks she does... The way she is going about it makes it seem like its more about her, and the ability to parade you about, then it is about actually assisting you. Make sense? There is nothing wrong with what she wants, but I dont see how the way she is going about it is actually getting her what she needs. Fortunately this is where you can step up and point out to her kindly, firmly, unequivocally that her Yi needs adjustment. That will kill 2 birds with one stone. [thumbs up]
My second thought was her deameanor and tactics reminded me of the movie Unleashed. Lets say you are jet li. [coughcoughbendrealitycough] You are not The Man, when someone else is in charge of your collar. It doesnt matter how great of a [fighter,lover,poet,businessman] you are-- if someone else is pulling your strings in all other ways.
So my opinion is not that you need to make yourself scarce, so much as the need to not let her say when and where on your collar. Thats YOUR job. The next time she does it, you can simply directly, firmly say something like I appreciate your attempts to encourage me to do [blahblahblah]. I would appreciate you NOT....... doing it....... like that, anymore. [kiss-dropit] She is a smart girl. See what she does with it.
lastly, it wont be a terrible thing if you decide to preemptively go for sex/physical congress/ML/intercourse/rubbing uglies/horizontal hugging/mattress mambo/insert favorite euphemism here, prior to everything being perfect. Even if it leads to rejection. Rejection is not a negative. Its an opportunity.
I think I'll set that nice bottle of Opus one up on the counter and tell her I plan on drinking it to celebrate losing my virginity and I plan on drinking it soon.
LMAO. I am a HUGE fan of pizza and champagne. (Champagne for my real friends, and real Pain for my sham friends.... feel free to steal it, I did....) Its even better then peanut butter and pickles...and thats topnotch. Damn Im hungry now.
Xue - Kudos on getting through to this stage. I rather think you might get to pop the Opus in the next few days. Only, it may be chi without yi, to use your metaphor. Here's the elephant in your living room, from what I can see.
Originally Posted By: xuesheng
It came in stages. It also coincides with the timing of our 5 year deal. Sex life slowly decreased to once a month and then every other month. One day ( a couple months before our planeed negotiation) she asks me if adopting would work for me. It was a casual conversation and stupidly I say no. A month later I get "You know I'd give you a divorce so you could go have kids" I was blown away. I had never really pushed for kids and yes I sometimes thought it would be nice but I was never sure myself if I wanted them. Later she would tell me she would have to leave me because I would never be happy without them.
I may have missed an update on this topic, but could she still be feeling that by not wanting kids (or maybe not able to?) she is depriving you? Seems like she expresses her love with acts of service, so this may in fact be a bigger issue for her than most.
You and your wife seem like fascinating people. In my humble opinion, perhaps, one of your core issues is NOT having children. Not having children with strong intention can possibly de-feminize a woman.
Sifu, do you mind if I ask you what style you teach? You can email me at theoden.king@hotmail.com. I used to take Ying Jow Pai a long time ago. Trying to find the time to get back into the martial arts.
I think you are reflecting on sexual polarity and roles in your marriage? Have you read The Way of the Superior Man? It might provide insight on ways to joyfully and playfully cut through your wife's swirling feminine energy.
Wow Xuesheng, you are the king of patience! I can only say that I never even considered a stalemate lasting this long. I too am living with my WAW, but it has only been 5 mo. since the bomb.
Have you tried other techniques? Experimented with things like, I don't know,...
...agreeing with your wife that you should move on and then going out without telling her with whom or where?
OR ...confidently telling her what a beautiful, exotic flower she is, and then walking away.
OR ...
In any case, you are an amazing person to stand for your marriage for so long.
SD
Me 41 W 41 Kids: S9 S7 Married 16 years Bomb dropped 2/2/07 Still living together! current thread
Really like your comments. Seems we have a group of problem solvers here :-)
Sven, no fireworks but a nice time nevertheless. We did take the time to go to two fireworks shows. Just the two of us (and thousands of other people :-)) This in itself was a step considering the stress we've been under lately. There have been some slight hints of affection.
Theoden,
Defeminize? Yep for sure. There have been many defeminizing influences since the beginning. Not wanting children yes. She says she thinks they have kooties but she loves kids. I think that issue actually has to do with her self esteem, not being good enough. But that's another story. She's always had male friends, never wore makeup, etc. I even worried she had a non man oriented sexuality. She had a lesbian best friend before she met me and she also had a sister who (at our wedding) announced she was leaving her husband for a woman. I've ruled that out though. I'm happy to say she is really moving towards the feminine and accepting it. She considered the feminine weak. I hope that she finds the strength in it soon. She's recently started wearing colorful clothes (she always wore black) and makeup. Last night I was thrilled to hear her talking on the phone with her girlfriend (who is the wife of one of her old friends) giggling like a girl. Her new found girl friend is extremely feminine and she is rubbing off. I love that. I've even heard her giving how to turn a man on advice to my wife.
SD,
"Have you tried other techniques?"
Yep. The Paul and Ann I did about a year ago. Admittedly I think there is strong evidence that if I did more of this I would have solved it by now. This has been my weakness. I didn't do this enough.
However my W did it to herself over the weekend. She went out of town to a wedding shower. She had struggled considerably over whether or not to go. Got pretty emotional over it. After I used my new found listening and comforting skills and calmed her down she said "It's tough being a woman, dealing with all this emotion" I was flabbergasted.
So anyway she went. When she called to check on me I wasn't home. She called again later and I was but didn't answer. Left a couple of messages and asked that I call her if I needed anything. She called several times. I could hear the concern in her voice and the sweetness. I was just out walking the dogs but regardless the effect was the same.
I definitely take the opportunity in that to tell her she's hot. At first she shot back a nasty remark. But I kept it up. After months of this now she likes it. That is one example of persisting even if something doesn't work. The long term effects are quite different.
"In any case, you are an amazing person to stand for your marriage for so long."
That has been a day by day decision. For three years I have consciously asked myself that question each and every day. I thought this would only take a couple weeks in the beginning :-)
1. Pleasure. It's fun. Receation that re-creates. It renews us.
2. Commitment. It's a non-verbal way of saying, "I belong permanently and exclusively to you." It unifies. It makes promises: emotional, legal, financial promises. In the movie Vanilla Sky, the charater Cameron Diaz says to Tom Cruise, "When you have sex with someone, your body makes promises to them even if you don't."
3. Procreation. Barring infertility, under ordinary circumstances, sex will bring children into the world.
The Catholic/Christian view is that sexuality is fully expressed when all three components are present in a relationship. In other words, if one of the three is intentionally missing, at the refusal of either partner, there is broken-ness. For example, in the Renassiance, marriages of convenience, for political reasons, to produce an heir, where there is no love, often turned a woman into object. (#1 and #3 are missing). If a couple has casual, recreational sex without commitment and children, both parties suffer (#2 and #3) are missing. If someone purchases sexual favors from another, then only party gets #1, the other one is missing all 3. If either or both members of a married couple refuse to have children the marriage and their sexuality suffers. (#3 is missing).
The idea here is that an intentional breakdown in the full expression of sexuality (which encompasses all 3 aspects) will de-feminize/de-masculinize the parties involved, but the effects will be stonger on the party that is intentionally removing any aspect of the full expression of sexuality.
That's the theory. Is there evidence for it?
Look at our culture: a whole generation of people confused about their gender roles.
I've seen countless couples hurt in their marriages by putting off having children for 5-10 years. And the stange part is watching both of them unable to figure out why the woman was getting harder and more calloused and the man was becoming bitter and confused.
On a biological level, believe or not, having no children in a marriage triggers buried instincts that the coupling had failed to produce offspring and therefore, pulls the couple apart. Their basic maculinity and feminity has produced no "fruit" so to speak. This is an insight from a friend of mine who is heavily into anthropology and evolutionary biology.
