Hi all - I spoke with my wife last night. At first it was just chit chat, then I asked if we could talk about our R. We have been separated for 4 months. I have been applying the LRT (Last Resort Technique). Not calling unless called, no R talk, 180's, etc. We put our house on the market last week and already have people scheduled to look at it. I went with my realtor yesterday to look at some houses of my own to buy. At the time, I didnt know how long this might go on with the WAW. I've been trying really hard to make life easier for her and not to pressure her. We both have been going to independent couseling every couple of weeks. The fact that she kept on wanting to go I guess was a good sign although, she said it was to work on her issues and us being friends. Anyway, because of the house being on the market and her looking at houses for herself I thought it was time to have the R talk. Based on some of the stuff I got off the "Success stories" posting I wrote down and rehearsed what I wanted to say so here it goes.
I just wanted to thank you for giving me this time and space to work on my issues these last few months. I want to apologize for getting upset at first and writing the letter and placing a lot of the blame on you. I also wanted to apologize for not moving out. Although, I wanted to give you the space you deserve I didn't want to feel like I was abandoning the family. I also didnt want D 1.5 to be away from her familiar enviroment.
You made the right decision to leave. Like you said, we both deserve to be happy and over the last few months I realized I wasn't happy either and had my own changes to make.
I can't even imagine how difficult this all must be for you. To not only get to the point where you needed to leave, but also put up with the marriage the way it had become.
I can't believe how strong you have been through this. Especially with all the stress you have with your new business.
I'm amazed on how you still have been able to make time to be a great mom for Sabrina.
So I just wanted to let you know that I am here for you if you ever need to talk and I miss your friendship. By this time I was balling. Big, emotional, wuss
I then asked if I could get a hug. Which she did and was really nice.
I then stopped and listened to her. She said I'm sorry that I hurt you. I just want you to be happy. You deserve so much better. (I was tempted to interject and say so do u but I controlled myself - 180 ;)) I want you to know that you are a good person and you will find someone that can appreciate you. The fact that you liked being involved in my life was not a bad thing. (I liked to call her at work a couple times a day. At first I thought she appreciated it, but now I realize that she felt like I was checking up on her). She also started saying the same old stuff again "I sorry it's just too late. I don't have anything left to give. I dont know if I am cut out for these type of relationships. I dont know if I can ever love again." I just kept my cool and kept on saying I want you to be happy. I wish I would have seen the signs earlier before it was too late. She then went a little deeper in her justification which is what I have been trying to get at. She said that "you looked at me with such hate in your eyes. How could you say that you love someone and look at them like that. You were so controlling sometimes." I should have kept my mouth shut but when she stopped talking I said "I never hated you for a second I just had issues with controlling my resentment before. I want to thank you again for doing all this because with out you I would have never made these changes (Yes, ofcourse I still maneuvering). For the last 11 yrs, she has always had these crazy time consuming jobs that took all her time and energy. I was always the one doing the bills, managing the house, making the appointments. I never meant to come off controlling. I even asked for her help when it got overwhelming and she didnt have the time. Thats where my resentment came from. I always said "what are your priorities. work or your fam? It must be nice to have the luxury of having someone taking care of everything. Someone that has your back. Who has my back?" Anyway, that was all before I lost her now any feelings of resentment I have pale in comparison to not having her as my wife.
All in all, it was a nice talk. We have both been avoiding any R talk for the last couple months. I guess I have to move on. I was hoping that if we both lived separately for awhile she might miss me she might not like the split schedule with our daughter, she might miss me taking care of the finances. Wishful thinking I guess. I guess I still have issues with control. I still want to control our sitch. I know I cant make someone love me again. I just cant believe thats it. One day we were together and the next she just dropped the Love u but not in Love bomb. Wants to separate. I'm not ready to let her go. She also said we are 2 different people with 2 different personalities maybe we just aren't meant to be together. I said everyone has their own personality. All couples have thier differences. The key is learning to compliment eachother not critize them. (I know I should have kept my mouth shut and let her talk).
Anyway, what do u guys think? Should I just give it time now? See how serious she is about filing after we get our own places. Is there still a chance to gain back her trust and love? Because of her past (her step dad was verbally abusive for 17 yrs) is she not capable of ever opening up her heart again? We just bought a boat together last year. We just had our daughter less then 2 yrs ago. Why did she do these things if she was planning on leaving? I still don't know if there is someone else. I really dont think so based on how she talks about not wanting any kind of relationship. Although, she might be trying to cover up something. Regardless, my game plan was to just work on being friends to show her that I have accepted that it is over in order to take the pressure off her and then possibly sneak in the back door of her heart again. We will always be in eachothers lives because of our daughter. I just wish it would be as husband and wife. I still have a hard time accepting this whole thing. How can she just give up on our wedding vows? I had my moments but I never stopped loving her. God this hurts so much. Well, thanks for letting me rant and I appreciate any feed back you all my have.
Of course it is not too late to regain her trust. I just think it will take time, action, evidence for her to see your true 180's. Letting go of control is a huuuuge thing. It is a personality trait that we have from such an early age. Your letter/ speech/ hug was so beautiful it made me cry. You said all the things I wish I could say and/ or hear. It sounds so similar to all the mistakes we have made. Now it is totally about control. My brother, a complete control freak, said if I was the one who walked out the door first , my H would be DBing, not me! How crazy is that he beat me to that door? You may need to be patient and that will be the hardest thing but it will help prove your aim is true.
Me:38 H:39 MLC M:10 R:23 years D6 S3 Bomb: Easter, 2007 "Every day may not be good, but there's something good in every day."
mkultra - thank you so much for your kind words. I am feeling really down today. For the first time through all this I really feel like she has moved on. I cant believe she doesnt want to give me another chance. She never really told me how she felt. She had said some things out of anger but nothing I thought our marriage bond wouldn't overcome. I hope like u said with time she will be able to trust me again not to hurt her. I feel so horrible for ruining this marriage. I know it takes 2 but I wish I would have made changes sooner and not taken this marriage for granted.
Have a great weekend. THanks again for your comments. I needed the support.
I hope so KS. I hope so. I read these posts all day long looking for hope. I can't believe the resolve and dedication of some of these members. I don't know how long I can take this. To be separated for years. I guess I can't over analyze it. Baby steps right
thanks chick. I wish u all the best in your sitch. have a great weekend.
I stopped acting all depressed around my wife. I stopped with the R talk. I stopped trying to explain myself and how I deserved another chance. Now, while my W still wants out, she is talking to me. We are getting along. She asked me out on a date for tonight. Of course I have to pay as she doesn't have any money. But as soon as I stopped harassing her about us, she has opened up to me. It is going to be hard for a little while, but if you DB effectively, it will get easier.Go do something you like. Take this as an opportunity to do something for you.
I have to agree with DR on the comment side, be very careful about such comments because it reinforces her decision to leave and that you aren't worth it. Now if you had said what you really meant which was you understood how she got to feeling that way then that would be a bit different. So be very careful in what you say and the hidden meanings in it.
Now as for what to do, well everyone else pretty much answered that question. I strongly, strongly recommend you continue to work on those control issues. This is something you probably want to work on with your C a good bit. Because if you don't you'll continue to do little controlling things which your wife will see and think you haven't changed.
So now I am going to ask you a question, was all of this truly heartfelt or is it really just another very subtle way to control her and her reactions, emotions, etc.? Because if it's any of that she'll just think you are a manipulative jack-ss.
Last edited by catfan; 07/07/0703:21 AM.
If we really want to love, we must learn how to forgive. - Mother Theresa
