Hopeless, When my lawyer answered my H's filing of the D she said she was going to file for a restraining order saying that none of our marital assets could be sold during the proceedings. She is also going for a temporary hearing for a separate maintenance agreement, so I would say going to a lawyer will open your eyes and show you how to do everything the legal way.
You said that you weren't going to file, well I didn't either, I wanted him to make that decision. I wasn't finished with our marriage, but if he had started making foolish financial decisions that would have been the reason I would have filed.
Life's challenges are not supposed to paralyze you, they're supposed to help you discover who you are. -- Bernice Johnson Reagon
My H has definately made foolish financial decisions, but that was way back in December (that's when he bought that house like that). I still had high hopes of reconciling at the time and didn't want to jeopardize that. At this point, I've almost given up all hope on us, so it is time to do what is best for me. I probably should have consulted a lawyer months ago, but I just wasn't ready to file, and now I think that it would be best if I did. He is probably not going to and if he does, the papers will not be drawn up according to our verbal agreement from November. I need to have the peace of mind that every single action or word that I say is affecting if he will get the papers corrected or not. It is terrible to live like that when you aren't doing anything wrong.
M:28, D finalized: 8/28/07 Current Thread
"When life gives you a hundred reasons to cry, show life that you have a thousand reasons to smile."
It is terrible to live like that when you aren't doing anything wrong.
You are so right, it seems like we are being punished for something we have no control over. We have to take control of our own lives. Easier said than done, but if we don't when does the pain end?
Life's challenges are not supposed to paralyze you, they're supposed to help you discover who you are. -- Bernice Johnson Reagon
We have to take control of our own lives. Easier said than done, but if we don't when does the pain end?
I guess the pain never ends completely. I think that this is worse than dealing with a death. At least if my H died, he wouldn't have chosen to leave me. It would have been God's way. At this point, I am having a hard time remembering all the good things about my H. He is not the kind of man that I want to be with and honestly, I don't see why OW wants to be with him, but we've definately established that she is desperate and crazy. As much as I can, I am looking forward to moving on with my life. I know this isn't what any of us ever expected, but it gives us a second chance to live a different, hopefully better life. We are older and wiser and no one can ever take away what we learned from this. As long as we can let go of the bitterness and trust again, we will have fulfilling lives. Our H's on the otherhand are in for a rough ride.
M:28, D finalized: 8/28/07 Current Thread
"When life gives you a hundred reasons to cry, show life that you have a thousand reasons to smile."
I dicsussed this very thing with two of my friends whose H had died....one agreed that she felt it was better that he died then if he had left her...she was left focusing on the good memories of their life and knew he loved her to the end... The other said it was not better because she said she knew he was gone...never to return... At the time I was grieving the death of my marriage (yes I grieved it even though we are back together....that marriage is dead)...I really kept thinking it would be so much easier if he had just died...at one point he thought I told him I "wished" he was dead....I didn't say that but that is how things get twisted...anyway...he even questioned why I would want him back... But now, with all that has been said and done...I am glad he didn't die...because I was rewarded for my work and my H did eventually come home...and as hard as it was for me to see at the time...he came home, yes a changed man, but not the one that left me and was so cold to me...I really questioned many many times what I was waiting for...and as I said...for my sanity I did move on...on my own...before his return...but I often would think if we got back together I would always be walking on egg shells...bending over backwards to serve his needs...constantly putting his feelings and happiness ahead of my own...in the beginning it was a bit like that...I had to let things run the course and allow time for him to settle...but I can honestly say that I walk proud...don't tippy-toe around him...and I don't bend over backwards to serve him...it isn't what I expected it to be judging from what he was doing when he left... I can say that along with my own changes...that I intend to be the new improved me and his changes that he finally got through we are doing so much better then before...it is a challenge getting through that first year together...and I did question my own sanity...but I am greatful that I was able to hang in there to see what the "other side" of this marriage would really look like... And like your H's OW...mine was very experienced although much younger then him...she had been married "2 or 3" times...he couldn't remember...and had 4 kids by as many men...where my H had really only dated a few girls, none long term, and none where there was anything physical...I was his first...and even though I was younger I was the more experienced one in the relationship....so when OW got her hands on him she really dug in deep...distance was my friend...she lived in another state and she couldn't move due to child custody issues...he could have moved but before doing so and marrying her he came to his senses and realized that she was not what he wanted to spend his life with...she was a smoker, he hated smoking, all her other H's had been of a different race (nothing wrong there but none of the kids would have even been close to resembling my H and she wanted more and wanted him to raise her's as his own and I think that would have been odd), she was 14 years younger, had a foul mouth, and her kids were always screaming and crying (our kids weren't like that, we had good babies)...about the only thing he could say was she kept a clean house (according to pictures and family)and she would do whatever he said (according to him, I think she would have changed with the vows, but that is my feeling)...
So my point....sorry this is so long...is that one never really knows how these crazy things end up...I came to the point of moving on...but I always KNEW that as long as neither of remarried there was always that very sliver of a chance...and when I had let go of that after about 16 months...and really let him have it...let him know I was done...and walked away from him (for once)....two months later he was moving back to town and about 4 month after that we were together again...
Thanks Lin. I really appreciate your comments. It is nice to hear a success story especially in your case because your sitch seemed so dim at one point.
Quote:
so when OW got her hands on him she really dug in deep...distance was my friend...she lived in another state and she couldn't move due to child custody issues...he could have moved but before doing so and marrying her he came to his senses and realized that she was not what he wanted to spend his life with
Distance has not been my friend. OW convinced my H to buy a house together and for him to move 3 hours away in a months time. I don't think that my H has any intentions of marrying OW. He is just with her so he doesn't have to be alone.
Quote:
she would do whatever he said (according to him, I think she would have changed with the vows, but that is my feeling)...
I bet this is common characteristic of all OW. I know that my H and her only discuss things when he wants to. He makes comments like she knows better than to ask that. I agree things will change if they get married. Actually, I think things will change once we get divorced.
Quote:
So my point....sorry this is so long...is that one never really knows how these crazy things end up...I came to the point of moving on...but I always KNEW that as long as neither of remarried there was always that very sliver of a chance...and when I had let go of that after about 16 months...and really let him have it...let him know I was done...and walked away from him (for once)....two months later he was moving back to town and about 4 month after that we were together again...
I agree. I am living day by day. I have no idea what I will be doing in a year, but I let my H have it 2 weeks ago and I walked away from him after 7 months of dealing with this. I'm living for me. If he wants to make things work with me, he is going to have to change. I'm done walking on eggshells. I'm done trying to do everything for him. It's up to him. Either we are getting divorced or he is going to have a complete change of heart and it is still a choice he can make.
Last edited by hopeless11; 07/06/0702:25 PM.
M:28, D finalized: 8/28/07 Current Thread
"When life gives you a hundred reasons to cry, show life that you have a thousand reasons to smile."
If he wants to make things work with me, he is going to have to change. I'm done walking on eggshells.
This sounds like a good 180 to me. You can consider filing for D as a LRT, or self-preservation, but it is not "doing everything for him" because it will not be on his terms.
This is a logical follow-through to "letting him have it." I'm not sure what percentage of Busted Divorces included filing for D as a LRT, but in your situation I think it fits. Not to mention the financial issues.
This sounds like a good 180 to me. You can consider filing for D as a LRT, or self-preservation, but it is not "doing everything for him" because it will not be on his terms.
Thanks for the support. I feel like this is what I have to do at this point in my sitch. I feel stronger than I have in months. The only reason that I am considering filing for D is so that it is on my terms (better to do on your turf is what my own priest told me) and to protect myself. I don't believe that he is going to and he might try and run us both in the ground while I sit around and wait. It does feel a little better to have some control. He's done calling all the shots.
Quote:
This is a logical follow-through to "letting him have it." I'm not sure what percentage of Busted Divorces included filing for D as a LRT, but in your situation I think it fits. Not to mention the financial issues.
I agree. You get a to a point where enough is really enough. I think that me taking action on the D at this point is my only option in order to get my life in order and get my sanity back. Either we will get divorced, or I will get a sane H back.
On a side note, I am going out again tomorrow with my niece. This is a huge step for me. There will be a lot of people there that I know and that know about this mess. No more protecting my H by hiding from the local scene. He's the one that did wrong and is still doing wrong. The only thing that I can do at this point is hold my head high and show everyone that I am still the same sweet girl that everyone has gotten to know over the years. I may have been through h$ll, but I look better than I ever have before. They are still going to be saying, "What the h$ll is wrong with him?" What he did and is doing to me is absolutely horrible, and he is the one that has to live with that each and every day. In the meantime, I am living for me. For the first time in my life, I have no one to answer to and I am going to try and enjoy it.
M:28, D finalized: 8/28/07 Current Thread
"When life gives you a hundred reasons to cry, show life that you have a thousand reasons to smile."
I'm sorry about the in-laws--but I expect that they're partly reacting as they do because of what they've been told--H's justifications--plus their own feelings about him. I totally understand your feelings. Why do we feel so upset about the loss of in-law support? It shouldn't matter, and yet it can be surprisingly hurtful.
I hope the vacation helps. A vacation with a friend: just what you need!
