Corri: The thing you and others, and even where I get hung up on boundaries... is doing the whole prediction of another's actions thing. All you can do is control YOU
Quote:
Cac: but wouldn't it be nice to have all the other stuff...and be able to play golf with him, too? its just "golf". there oughtta be a way to work it out. But throwing the whole kit-n-kaboodle out the window eliminates that possibilty. as does "bombing" someone in an ssm. there ought to be another way.
Well. This is what has happened to me. My boyfriend came down to see me. He told me he brought his golf clubs, just in case. And I said, "Just in case you want to go to the range? I have no problem with that." He poked and prodded me, teasingly, a few times to see, and I teased back, but I held firm.
Later we were sitting on the deck. He asked, seriously, if we could talk about what happened and my decision. I said sure. He asked me to explain to him what happened that made me feel as I did. I explained, and I used "I" as often as I could.
Then he said, you are right, I did act like that, I am sorry. But I'd like to ask you to give me another chance. I really like playing golf with you, I like us doing that together. I've signed up for lessons, and I swear to you, I won't act like that again.
I think I can do that. And the reasons I think I can do that are... he approached me about this, I didn't ever bring it up. He offered to change his ways. I didn't ask him to. He understands that if you want to be good at something, you have to practice. I didn't preach that to him. So I can do that.
The boundary is still in place.
So Cac... the OUTCOME of a boundary is not something that is cast in concrete. You and your boundary are only one half of the equation. Another CAN take make different decisions, if they so choose. There IS a way to work things out, but you have to let it unfold, instead of demanding another honor your boundary just because you say so.
The point of a boundary is not to make another person DO or NOT DO something. The point of the boundary is to define who you are, who you are not...
If my bf pulls his crap again, the boundary is still in place, and golf WILL be done. And I will know even more about him... can he control himself and keep his word.
This is where things get dicey. I'm the only one who can decide if he violates the boundary. It'll be easy if his behavior is anything like it was last weekend. I will follow a lot of Honeypot's advice, because this is something he does want to work on... he helped me through my crap... so I think it only fair and loving for me to do the same.
But we could not have gotten to THIS point, without my boundary. This all had to be his idea... just like it was my idea (from a long time ago), to work on my sexual issues.
And quite honestly, Cac, most HDs are willing to stick around if their LD spouse is showing genuine effort in addressing the sex issue. But it is far better that the LD spouse do that out of choice, as opposed to a threat. A threat rushes the process. "Start having sex with me or I'm leaving your sorry azz." A boundary indicates YOUR line and YOUR intent. IWNLIASM. Your actions following that statement define the proclamation. You may start sleeping on the couch. You may start dividing up bank accounts and changing how finances are run in the house. You start 'getting a life,' changing your mind set, etc., etc.
The ACTIONS you take are what communicates to the spouse you are serious. And you continue on that course. If they come to you offering an olive branch... THEN you can discuss, if you want. But you can't rush the process, or it comes across as a threat.
