I don't know the answer here either. I see your point though, and it might be a good idea. I'm really just torn hear, but I think waw1978 made a good point earlier today about what makes WAW's like herself interested, curious, etc. From her point I gleaned that less really is more, so I think I'll keep trying what I'm doing for a while longer and see what happens. I do think that my GALing and round about statement of detaching that was provided to MIL tonight will help plant the same kind of seed of doubt in W that the sitch with her friend potentially did the other night (I also told MIL that the dancing was my new favorite hobby -- which is true). Do you agree or not?
Do you mean telling them about my desire to reconcile if W decides to?
I have been dressing a little differently, but it is kind of difficult because it is summertime. However, I do have a new cologne (Chrome) that I've been wearing for about 4 months now, and let me tell you -- I get more comments and compliments from women I barely know or don't know at all. One bank teller told me I smelled like The Abercrombie store in the mall (I figured that was a good thing). I even had a women ask me what it was so she could get some for her H for his b-day or their anniversary (can't remember which). I try to wear this about 50% of the time I see W, so she doesn't catch on that I'm wearing it intentionally. I'm sure she's noticed, but it is just one piece of the puzzle to getting her interested again.
Sounds good. Is there anything else in a visual sense that you think you can try?
I think at this point and if you get any opportinities to do so, 180's would come into play greatly. That can go for your W or in-laws. Keep your reactions to words and events in mind and try to switch them up.
I think I'll keep trying what I'm doing for a while longer and see what happens. I do think that my GALing and round about statement of detaching that was provided to MIL tonight will help plant the same kind of seed of doubt in W that the sitch with her friend potentially did the other night (I also told MIL that the dancing was my new favorite hobby -- which is true). Do you agree or not?
I don't think you're wrong, at all. It's a close call, and yours to make. I guess my concern is I am worried your W will think you've given up and moved on. How certain do you feel that she knows you still would be there is she decided not to walk away?
Remember, Michele says don't be afraid to make a mistake. I think the idea is that usually any damage isn't something that can't be overcome with time. And there are no wrong buttons but the one you keep pushing over and over that doesn't work. If you told your ILs this, and it gets back to W, what's the harm? You said you thought it would enable your W to stay away longer. How bad is that? You have a very long-time horizon anyway. What good might come of it? Well, if she thinks you've given up, then this changes that midnset, and maybe influences her thinking in the future (eg, re: D or other things). Man, I'm not sure, just thinking out loud. But again, if it were me I'd probably do it. I don't see much harm (you've virtually eliminated all chasing for a while), and there is a chance (small?) it could help. I guess the key is again, how sure are you that W knows you are open to working on things?
M 39 W 39 M'd 10 yrs; T 14 yrs S7 D4 Bomb 5-8-05 W not working on M 1-22-07; EA 2-22 DB 4-10 S 6-11 No more C Link
Sounds good. Is there anything else in a visual sense that you think you can try?
Well, I've been working out a lot and have put on 20 lbs in the last 2 months (5'10" 160 lbs now), so that is one visual I've worked on. Also, gotten pretty tan over the last month. I was, however, considering throwing some blonde highlights in my dark blonde hair (opinions?).
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think at this point and if you get any opportinities to do so, 180's would come into play greatly. That can go for your W or in-laws. Keep your reactions to words and events in mind and try to switch them up.
Okay, you kind of lost me here. I've done huge 180s already in my reactions to her negativity (which she hasn't provided in about 3 weeks), as well as in my behaviors and treatment of her in general. Can you explain what you're trying to say in the last above quote? I'm a little (okay, pretty) confused.
guess my concern is I am worried your W will think you've given up and moved on. How certain do you feel that she knows you still would be there is she decided not to walk away?
I'm pretty sure. I mean, I made it clear through both verbal word, written word, and action for the first 6 months (except for that couple month dark period in the middle) of the separation that I wanted to try to reconcile. Now, during the last month to month and a half I've stopped all pursuing, but have stayed very friendly, helpful, accommodating, etc. Also, the last time I brought up the R (May 20th), I said that if she ever changed her mind and decided she wanted to work it out, I would be ready and willing.
Given this, do you think she would have any doubt at this time? I guess you've got me leaning toward mentioning it to the inlaws next time I see them. However, if I do I will try to do so in a non-chalant manner (like it really isn't something I'm thinking about or dwelling on anymore, but it is an option that I would consider if the possibility ever arose).
Well stick to the ones where you got a good response and keep switching up the ones that don't. But also remember to give some changes some time just to see what happens. My thought was that you weren't in comstant contact with her. You also know the inlaws are going to talk so them seeing any difference without you having to tell makes a difference. You say you are in touch with them more so that is where I was going with that but now that I think about it I guess it wouldn't matter much if they aren't in frequent contact.
So...I would just continue to make the changes you want to make for you. after all, you are your best bet.
Good point about making changes in the eyes of the inlaws, and I guess that's what I tried to do with the 180 about not pursuing W anymore. However, I guess I could do some other ones, but I guess they'll have to be visual -- I see W and them about the same though (about once a week), so I suppose that what I change around them my W will see too.
I made it clear through both verbal word, written word, and action for the first 6 months (except for that couple month dark period in the middle) of the separation that I wanted to try to reconcile. [. . .] Also, the last time I brought up the R (May 20th), I said that if she ever changed her mind and decided she wanted to work it out, I would be ready and willing.
I forgot all this. Sorry. It's late.
Originally Posted By: Gone Dancin'
Given this, do you think she would have any doubt at this time?
Probably not.
Originally Posted By: Gone Dancin'
I guess you've got me leaning toward mentioning it to the inlaws next time I see them. However, if I do I will try to do so in a non-chalant manner (like it really isn't something I'm thinking about or dwelling on anymore, but it is an option that I would consider if the possibility ever arose).
I guess I'm not as worried she'll think you've given up, so I feel less strong about you talking to ILs. But, it's up to you. If you want to mention it, be as casual, non-chalant as possibloe. To me, an off the cuff remark doesn't seem likely to be damaging. FWIW.
BTW, do I just confuse you with these thinking out loud ideas more than help?
Nomo
What do you think? [/quote]
M 39 W 39 M'd 10 yrs; T 14 yrs S7 D4 Bomb 5-8-05 W not working on M 1-22-07; EA 2-22 DB 4-10 S 6-11 No more C Link
BTW, do I just confuse you with these thinking out loud ideas more than help?
Not at all, Nomo -- the different perspectives and potential outcomes stemming from different potential actions are great to kick around (now how's that for confusing! )
Seriously, though -- I do welcome and respect your opinions and thoughts, even when on the fly. And I don't blame you for forgetting certain things -- you read so many threads how can expect you to remember everything?
Okay, I'm going to bed -- Thanks Nomo and Trip!!! You have both helped out a lot tonight (and made me feel so special! )
Talk with you all tomorrow! Still working through 5LL, so that will be on the agenda too. Hopefully I'll begin brainstorming on this in lieu of Sunday evening when W picks up the kids. When I'm done I'll post my findings on W's PLL(s) and see what ideas y'all have (did you appreciate that colloquialism, Nomo?).
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