Last night (the 4th), I had the kids and we stayed at home and lit our own fireworks (they took turns helping me light them -- they were so stoked!), then we sat on my upper deck outside my bedroom that overlooks the city and watched several fireworks shows in the neighboring communities from a distance. Also, our next door neighbors had some illegal fireworks and were shooting them over our heads while we we out there -- the kids REALLY thought this was AWESOME!!!
All in all, the 4th wasn't bad, though I felt a little empty without W there.
Tonight I had my Lindy Hop dance performance team practice, and took the kids over to the STBX In-Laws like I usually do. FIL was the only one there when I dropped them off, and we had a great talk about his new work sitch and my trip to Hawaii (this is the first I've seen or talked with them since I got back). No mention of W, the M or D.
After dance practice (which was fun, but stressful because I missed the last two practices due to my trip so I was playing catch up), I went back to the In-laws to get the kids and sat for an hour and bs'd. MIL (always asking questions), asked how I was doing, what I'd been up to, if I was still working out, etc. Then she began bringing up W and how she was sick a lot lately (at which I expressed my sincere concern). Then out of the blue she asked me if she was moving in w/ OM (as if I'd know). I said that I didn't know, but that her choice was her choice, and that as long as she's happy then that's what counts (I did slip and say that S5 mentioned they had stayed at OM's house the whole time I was in Hawaii though). I also added that I'd dictated almost all of our choices in the M for so long that I simply don't want to have anything to do with what choices she makes now. I said she's an adult and on her own now, and that I respect the decisions she wants to make for her life. I kind of felt like she was hinting to me that W is moving in w/ OM, but was testing the waters to find out what I knew about it
Then MIL asks me if I'd taken anyone on any dates lately (odd question I thought, but I think she asks because she's a very nosy and curious woman). I said "No, I'm still not ready for that, and to tell you the truth, I've finally gotten to the point where I'm okay with being on my own and being by myself at night. I've been enjoying getting to know me again, and have been working on myself a lot." Then she asked if I had to have a dance partner for my Monday dance night, and I said no -- it's just a social atmosphere where both singles and couples go to dance, and that I dance with lots of different girls throughout the night, and am getting to know quite a few people there. I then added that I'm perfectly content with simply being friends with the girls that I meet there (which I really am -- haven't made any efforts to get together with them, though I've had a few that have been flirty with me).
We then got into the Hawaii trip, and after we exhausted that conversation I told them how much I appreciate them helping me out by watching the kids when I need them to, and that anytime I can reciprocate some favors to just let me know. They seemed to sense my sincerity, and replied in kind. I have a better R with them than my W does, and I kind of feel guilty to continue spending time with them. However, I don't have any family of my own left, and they've kind of filled that role for me over the years (and this is something I know they realize understand).
After the thanks, they kids kissed them goodnight and we went home.
So, things went pretty well, but I'm really not sure if I handled the W talk with MIL very well. I KNOW that next time she sees W, she'll tell her about some of the things we talked about (like the non dating and the "being okay with W's choices" statement), and I'm just concerned that I said too much or may have said things that I should'nt have.
It all sounds good GD. You handled the convo with MIL well. Do the ILs know that you are still committed to the M and working on it if W were to choose to do so? I wanted to make sure my ILs (MIL, BILs, cuzIL, etc.) knew that I wasn't walking away. Just curious.
M 39 W 39 M'd 10 yrs; T 14 yrs S7 D4 Bomb 5-8-05 W not working on M 1-22-07; EA 2-22 DB 4-10 S 6-11 No more C Link
Well, try not to give it a second thought. It's out there now and out of your control. Personally, I think you did okay. I wouldn't worry. It is best not to say much about your W with family and friends. I usually say I don't know, whether I do or not. It gets too complicated sometimes to get into details that just aren't anyone's business.
Do the ILs know that you are still committed to the M and working on it if W were to choose to do so?
I don't think they know that anymore. About a month and a half ago, I remember making a statement to FIL saying, "I'm moving on..." This was said because of the recent events that W brought OM to. I felt like it was a good idea because I was LRTing and going dark, so I didn't want W to get conflicting messages from her parents. Also, MIL has basically been adamant about the fact that the M is over. When I was open about continuing to be invested in the M, MIL actually told me that it was "over" and that I "needed to move on." She said this because M had told her that it was over. I'm not sure what her motivation was, but I'm guessing it was trying to keep me from what she saw as wasting my time (W and her have very conflicting view and don't get along all that well). They actually tried to talk W into working on the M -- they supported me completely during the time, and still do, I think -- but she wasn't interested at all.
W probably still knows that I'd be open to reconciliation if she came back, but I don't want it to be reported to her by anyone anymore. I think that if I continued to tell the in-laws that, W would get the message and that this knowledge would allow her to keep her distance as long as she wanted, and to not be interested in me and my life.
Do you have an opinion on this, nomo (and others)?
Well, I wondered if it might be a good idea to tell them simply that while you know W is not at the same place as you, and while you are respecting her choices and giving her the time and space she needs, you do not want a divorce, and believe that you have changed and that the two of you could work through your problems. Of course, the idea is this will either get back to her quickly or, if and when she does talk to her family, they will have that perspective in mind and can relay it as appropriate. But it could be viewed as pressure, pursuing (not sure if in your sitch if that would be good or bad right now), and I also hear your concerns that this might enable her to keep her distance. Just not sure what the answer is GD. If it were me (and with my W in mind), I would probably say something to the ILs at the next opportunity. Like I said, my W's whole family knows that she is the WAS, and that I want to save the M. I think that is good. I have also told them all she needs her space and not to pressure her. (I'll curious to see if I hear any feedback from her family after this vacation.)
Hope it helps, Nomopo
M 39 W 39 M'd 10 yrs; T 14 yrs S7 D4 Bomb 5-8-05 W not working on M 1-22-07; EA 2-22 DB 4-10 S 6-11 No more C Link
It is best not to say much about your W with family and friends.
I agree, and I was trying to stay conscious of this as we talked, but I wanted to indirectly plant the seed of doubt in my W through her parents. Read the following post from the other night to see where else I did this (I think it played out well and could be beneficial to me in the long run) link
Well, doing things for you and you alone may make her curious so if it gets out there about any changes you make that's good but like you said telling the family won't work. Perhaps they need to see you dress differently, wear a new cologne, etc. If they ask about what they see just say you needed a change and leave it at that.
