Having some mixed success/failure, now what?

[walkingcliche]

WC,

You know the more I think about your post, and all of our situations, I think it is important to set these goals and follow them.

Your most important emotion is having her back, you want this more than anything. I'm in the same sitch, but now is not the time to hold her feet to the fire, even when it is it will only be effective if she is willing to face it.

I know you want nothing more when she calls to give her a piece of your mind, but that moves you towards a short term goal, standing up for yourself, but further from the long range goal of her being back.

Eventually when she comes back all of that will have to be addressed for now though, you just keep the smile and good times rolling.

Happay fourth!

See, Atlas? I told you you could do this.

She's gonna be here to drop him off any minute. Wish me luck (whatever that may mean in this situation).

Ah, who cares? I get my son for the next 36 hours. How could I not be happy about that?

Anyway, happy fourth to you too, man, and thanks for the words.

[Nomopo]

I liked your post too Atlas!

[walkingcliche]

Woo-shaaaa.

So, that's over. I have never seen so many elephants in one corner before, especially without anyone mentioning them.

Quick outline: She came by with the boy, I offered to let her come in for a while. Played it real cool, friendly, you know the drill. She wound up going with us to the fireworks display, with a stop at the ice cream shop beforehand. No major screw-ups. She brought up 3 or 4 topics that made me really uncomfortable, though I am not sure that she knew that, just did the whole "shut up and let your ears bleed" thing and got through it.

As the night was wrapping up, she thanked me for letting her come along. I thanked her for coming and said that I thought the boy really enjoyed it (pause for 2 beats), and that I did too. She readily agreed.

No R talk, we were both real careful about any D stuff. I allowed her unfettered access to the house (which she hasn't, to my knowledge, been in for more than a month), and I know she had to notice some of the stuff I wanted her to notice (some contrived, most just me being the new me).

I don't know what she was thinking, or what she is thinking now, but I would lay heavy odds that she cried on the way back to her mother's. A lot.

She said we didn't have to call for the Good Night, as she left after his usual bed time and had a half hour drive ahead of her. So, I didn't.

Summary: The night went exactly as this sort of thing is supposed to go, with one exception: It really strengthened my desire to get as far away as possible from this woman.

I don't know why. Maybe it's one of those weird cosmic things, where I have to not want her before she can want me. That, or god just hates me (and I've certainly given him plenty of reasons to over the years). Whatever.

Who cares: My boy had a good time, and I get to spend tomorrow with him as well. Good enough for me.

P.S. Nomopo, atlas: Not pooping on you guys. I'm really glad you are out there, and you have much respect from me (especially after reading Nomopo's thread: Pusher is my kind of lunatic). I think I'm just on a slightly different path, but I will wave to you through the trees when I can.

Stay strong, guys. Much love.

[Atlas]

WC,

Don't go to far out in those trees. Keep that 48 hour rule rolling, it does wonders. Maybe I'm just getting into a marine mentality "At all costs!" Is that the marines? Who knows, the military wouldn't touch me with a ten foot pole. Apparently you need eyes. Go figure.

All I can add is your playing your hand right. You have to go with your feelings, and be true to yourself.

"Awesome, totally Awesome, Good Job Hamilton!"

One of the very few movie quotes I would have for ya.

[walkingcliche]

Which movie is that? Also, I'm not familiar with the 48 hour rule, though I think I get the jist of it.

Speaking of the military, I nearly signed on for a tour with the Army in a 19 episilon role (special forces, one way ticket type stuff) when this all started. I'm a little old, but I got the reqs, and they are getting pretty desperate.

I know now that would have been a form of running away worse that what she is doing. Glad I never signed the papers.

After a pretty decent night's sleep, I'm ready to admit that I got a real charge out of something last night:

Years ago (we've been together since she was 18 and I was 17), she once mentioned that she thought seeing a guy's waist line was sexy, especially if the the top of his underwear was peeking out from his pants. Now, I don't have the 6 pack that I want yet, but I have certainly gotten rid of the keg I used to have. Anyway, I was stretching last night, nothing intentional, just the kind of thing you do 10 times a day. My shirt was a little too short, and I think my midriff was kind of exposed.

I caught her looking. Really looking. I think she liked what she saw.

So, why do I care?

[walkingcliche]

Guess what. She "wants to talk" again.

I think she is finally going to admit that she is pregnant.

Good times. Good times.

[walkingcliche]

Well, I sure effed that up.

I don't even know where to start. She called, wanted to know if I was seeing anyone. Told her that had been asked and answered. (I'm not, and I think it would be very irresponsible for me to start a relationship with anyone right now.)Then she tried to feel out whether or not she could come home, but the unspoken assumption was that she could continue carrying on her affair. She receive a rather cool response, but I told her I would think about it. Then I asked her to forgive me.

Had a whole speech worked out, and I really meant it. Did really well, too.

Then the feces struck the rotary oscillator, as it were.

I fell into and out of limbic mode, told her some stuff I really shouldn't have. Basically blew it.

I'll try to get back on the horse tomorrow, but I think I'm pretty much ascendant upon an unsanitary tributary without the proper means of transportation, so to speak.

Edit: Aw, heck. What do I care, anyway? This is her mess, and I'm just trying to do the best I can for myself and my son. Right?

Right?

[Atlas]

WC,

What can I say, my sitch has almost caught up to your, W is moving at light speed. I think that is a good sign about the call, so what a little slip up at the end. She was calling with her questions and wanted her questions answered. You may have said some things that you shouldn't have but I'm betting just due to her mind set coming into it, that is what she will recall most.

The movie line is the last line in fast times at ridgemont high. I good saturday classic.

[walkingcliche]

Man, I do hope so.

As far as possible positives, she now knows that I have sat on stuff for months that would have had me screaming immediately in days gone by. She was crying a lot at the beginning, but was cold as ice at the end (probably not good).

She let a few things slip herself, and some of them give me hope (she claims to not have contact with any of the people that have led her to this point, with the exception of her current OM). Where I really screwed up was, I shared something really special about our son, and it made me emotional. Oops.

I told her that I know about the flight (she claims he was going to drive her back, I don't know yet how I feel about that yet). I implied that I am in contact with her former lover (not true, but I've read enough of his website/poetry to pull it off). I flat out asked her if she was pregnant (she claims no, but as the hill folk sometimes say "the truth just ain't in her"). When she said how much she loves our son, I kind of hit her with both barrels by saying "Yeah, just not enough to speak to a doctor or read a single book". I also told her that she is dealing with some very real addictions that she is not even aware of, and that I was fully concious of the fact that by my telling her that, I knew that it would make her more sure of the fact that she doesn't have any addictions (the psychology of that move was a little muddled, but it may work out that she will consider getting some help, who knows?)

I finally ended the call by telling her that we should keep things strictly business from now on, that I wished her the best in her life, and that I have to move on with mine. I really kind of hate myself for a lot of that call, even for making her feel bad, but most of all I hate myself for the real truth:

I love her. I always have, and I fear that I always will.

P.S. Great movie line, and a level of cool that I hope someday to attain for myself, from Aliens: "Somebody wake up Hicks."

[Nomopo]

but the unspoken assumption was that she could continue carrying on her affair. She receive a rather cool response, but I told her I would think about it.

What do you think about this? Is this something you could handle?

Then I asked her to forgive me.

Trying to get your needs met prematurely.

Had a whole speech worked out, and I really meant it. Did really well, too.

What speech? Planned a R talk?

Then the feces struck the rotary oscillator, as it were.

A common result in R talks.

I fell into and out of limbic mode, told her some stuff I really shouldn't have. Basically blew it.

Want to give us details? Moving on is fine too. Just get back on the horse. Honestly, it probably isn't as bad as you think.

I think I'm pretty much ascendant upon an unsanitary tributary without the proper means of transportation, so to speak.

I doubt it.

Edit: Aw, heck. What do I care, anyway? This is her mess, and I'm just trying to do the best I can for myself and my son. Right?

Right?

Right. You just need to decide if saving/re-building your M is best for you and your son.

Hang in there,
Nomopo